Sometimes I wonder did normal ever exist or was normal just an illusion like the Truman Show set
I think 'normal', the way I use to know it, was living around people, people apart of a larger community, who all shared similar biblically based values, or 10 commandment values, not that everyone was religious, but everyone behaved, followed rules, laws, there was order.
And everyone was fiscally stable, employed, married and had families.
This environment, everyone having similar ethical structure, created what I knew as normal, when younger.
Schools, homes, Fathers working.
There was no permanent underclass or hood types.
No ghettos at all.
Everyone was generic, regardless of color, everyone basically behaved in the same orderly way, and all could hold their own.
The community was stable.
And the minority community was very low, like maybe 2% or less.
And the minorities that were there acted like everyone else.
No minorities, no crime, no drama, no hoods, no ghettos, no prostitutes, nothing shady, as a youth you could walk the streets at 3 am and feel safe, totally safe.
There are still small isolated communities spread out around the nation like this where they're insulated from the broader social trends.
I don't care about color, I just care about civility, law and order.
But for some reason the closer you get to urban areas, where minority populations begin to exceed 10%, people seem to just become more depraved.
I mean everyone.
Whites, blacks, Hispanics, everyone.
Areas where you have large population centers of permanent underclass are hell holds, and populations like that always seem depraved, walk around with upside down value systems.
Right is wrong, wrong is right, and no one seems to follow rules, or only do so cause forced, not cause they have the decency inside to want to own their own.
And as more and more people flood this nation from war torn areas, areas where cartel rule, terrorist rule, restrictive religions rule, just seems normal is becoming harder and harder to find.
And the Government force injects these people into 'normal areas', and of course they bring nothing but chaos and horror.
Death, crime, cheating, unemployment, litter, and more.
Single mothers raising kids in a moral vacuum, who at age 6 already start acting like hardened 'gangstas'.
I know one thing, urban areas are not 'normal' to me, at least not my sense of normal.
Colonial areas aren't normal to me either, where you have large former slave class, people who speak odd English, tore up English.
Areas where grown males in their 20's, 30's, 40's, still stumble around as if adolescent and lost.
Still dress in athletic attire, who mooch off of females who are on public assistance themselves.
All of this is moral corruption to me, social decay.
And it has all thrown off my sense of normal.
Last Edit: Nov 25, 2015 3:33:16 GMT -5 by X factor
It's important to sort out thought if one wants to redevelop a genuine faith, so much of our faith, what we believe in, how we relate to God, what we think God is, is based on early life experience and when that early life experience goes away, so does 'God', or the God we developed around it.
That's why it's so important to go back and separate culture, buildings, and even privilege from whom or what God really is.
It can be a ugly process, like confession is, but must be done in order to really find out who, why, and what we are, which is all based on past environment.
If, when, I step to God again, I want to make sure this time, I'm stepping towards the right God, and not a God of culture or privilege or personal bias.
It's hard to find the true loving God for most, cause most, including self, can't let go of personal interests, pride ect, and all the other things that have separated man from God since the Garden of Eden.
And whether the Garden of Eden is real or symbolic, it's full of truthful metaphors that apply even today.
Cleaning self means being honest with self, and that's not always easy.
Measuring self with self, and no one else.
That means coughing up racism, biases, and other things that helped shape self in the past.
It's a process that most who find purity in religion do internally, here it is done externally.
One post may seem ugly, but it's all a process of cleansing, honesty cleanses.
Not interested in blind stupid faith anymore, for that's what leads to falling away later on.
Blind stupid faith is equivalent to closing the lid of a toilet without first flushing it.
You have to first flush the toilet, then close the lid, then move on to really be clean on the inside.
Have to admit things about self that aren't pretty, examine all thoughts, basically become neutral again, an empty glass, in order for it to be filled with Gods righteousness.
It's a scary process, cause while doing so one discovers a lot of lies and illusions that shaped one in the past.
False ideals based on privilege, not honesty.
To the point where after a while when most who have fallen away here the word 'God', don't even know what it means anymore cause 1000's worship 'gods' and never bury self first, as such it creates confusion.
Instead of worshiping or following God, what you get is millions of people around the world worshipping and following self.
I want to bury self, so that I can once again find God, not my God, but the" God, the God that is able and powerful enough to move anything.
Last Edit: Aug 14, 2015 5:14:24 GMT -5 by X factor
I actually want there to be a God, a divine God, a God of love...I want that, and need that the same way a kid, or as a kid, you need for, or to know that, your parents love you and care.
I feel the same way about God.
I always feel there's something or someone higher than myself, that I need to pray and talk to.
I need to feel there is someone (of divine origin) that will be able to make sense of things one day.
So it's odd, cause even though as of lately (last 8 years or so) I've been slowly drifting away from Church, praying ect, even now, the need to 'worship' something is still there.
Maybe worship is the wrong word, in fact it is...not worship but confide in; is a better way to put it.
I need something or someone, of divine origin, to confide in
I think we all do, and not sure where that urge comes from.
Maybe even animals have it to, like when you get home, your pet dog 'confides' in you by needing, wanting, your approval and affection.
Well I feel as though I need and want the approval and affection of 'God'.
But not any god, but rather a Loving God.
I need for there to be a loving God, of divine origin out there some where.
A God bigger than man, and bigger than the religions man has created.
I think deep down inside we all need that.
I God bigger than politics, bigger than race and or color and or nationality, a God bigger than gender, bigger than age, and bigger and larger than history.
I need and want there to be such a God.
But, this is interesting that I need this, is this 'need' that I have how religion was originally started???
In other words which came first, God or religion?
In other words, 1000's of years ago, were there people like me, with same 'need to worship' or be accountable to higher power, that felt same way and so 'invented a God' to satisfy that urge???
All I know is right now I need for there to be a God, not a Christian god, not a Muslim god but simply a divine God full of love, who loves and cares about my every move.
This is interesting, cause as I try to pull away from organized man created, personal, self serving gods of religion and culture, as I try to pull away from that, I still want and need for there to be a God, one that's separate from all of the above.
When I pray, (which I hardly do anymore) I want to know, believe, that some divine God is actually hearing the prayers and cares what I'm praying about...continued on next post.
I wish there were a god that indeed loved me and had a purposeful joyous prosperous plan for me in this world.
I really do wish there were a god that only allowed good decent people to get near.
I really do wish there were, and want there to be a god, of divine origin, there waiting to greet after physical body passes away.
I wish for all the above and more.
Not just for myself but others as well.
But the longer I live I seem to observe the opposite.
People driven by dark intentions instead of honorable ones.
It's scary what drives some, to do what they do.
And it's obvious not all have the same moral basis.
It's amazing how many people don't have issue with stealing, or lying, not just being wrong about something, but deliberately lying, on purpose, knowing ahead of time that what is being said isn't correct with the intent to hurt or smear another or group, or for personal gain.
And trying to be an angel in a dark world is near impossible, for no matter how good or noble you may think you are, there's always about 80% of others who will think you're a demon.
No one will ever have an 100% approval rating, not even Saints did while alive, not even Jesus himself did or does.
Seems societies more hostile towards Jesus today than ever before.
Dark energy seems to be everywhere and flowing through everyone.
Seems the only place to find this all loving god anymore is to retreat into own imagination.
(Assuming self is good, cause if self not good, than looking within one may find a demon)
And if 'good' isn't a shared laid out calibration of principles, than every one walks around with conflicting right and wrong principles.
Without universal moral calibration, there really isn't anything accept the public law of the land, which can change depending on who's in power and writing those laws.
And peoples inability to forgive, move on, and not always have to have their way politically, is another thing I find very ugly these days.
Those in the media display very ugly traits, and set very bad examples of behavior for all.
To find the world you're looking for (assuming you're good), than one has to retreat, not expand.
For the further outward one looks, the uglier it gets.
I don't pray anymore, yet I notice drug dealers do, powerful Cartel members do (From Netflix 'Narcos series). These powerful drug Cartels do pray and build shrines, and have way more money, wealth, protection, than I do, and many other common types.
So what God is answering their prayers?
And if I pray, start praying, would the same thing occur in my life?, would I suddenly be propelled to riches?
But I don't want nor need riches, all I want, ask for, is enough money to where don't have to mindlessly work anymore for job that smothers my creativity and leaves me with nothing at end of day or week accept a feeling of isolation and neglect.
I don't pray anymore, but maybe I should start it up again...and or would God be insulted if I did?
I mean if 'God' already knows everything, they're probably very insulted at my actions, angered that I drifted away years ago, angry that I stopped going to church, angry that I've made very poor decisions in life that have hurt 'me', not others, but myself.
And now I want to 'come back' simply cause I want a better outcome in life?
Would that be using 'God' to get what I want?...and if so wouldn't that make God upset?
Also, whenever I pray, on those few occasions, seems just the opposite occurs.
If I say 'Please God, don't let me run into this person', the very first person I run into is the one I asked God to shield me from, and I could give other examples.
Prayer scares me, cause then it becomes a 'blame game' if what you prayed for doesn't go your way, and it took me years to fall out of that trap of always blaming God for everything, years.
Now when things go wrong, I don't blame anyone or anything, I just curse a bit...hmm
I mean once I start expecting 'God' to change things (to my favor) in my life, and it doesn't occur, than naturally I'd start blaming God for not listening or caring. (a trap many fall into)
But if I don't ask, I cannot blame.
But if I don't ask, maybe I'll never get or receive either....
I still haven't gotten down on hands and knees to pray, I still haven't 'bowed' to a God I can't see, I mean what if by doing so I'm bowing to a demon?
Just because I think it's 'God' (the good one) I'm bowing to, doesn't mean it's so.
To me, prayer is almost like Voodoo
To me, prayer is almost like voodoo, in that I'd be summoning some odd spirit that I'm hoping is 'good' and has my best interest at hand, when in reality it could be Captain Howdy from the Exorcist.
(yes, that's me in picture)
If I get on my hands and Knees I have no idea what I'm bowing to, could be some interdimensional being laughing at me saying 'Look, we got that stupid human to bow to us'.
I don't know, I wish I didn't over think everything.
I do observe, from TV, that a lot of powerful, billionaire, drug cartel types pray, and build temples and are very religious, and they thrive as a result, in that they seem to think it's their 'gods' that keep them safe, as they slaughter others.
None of it makes sense to me anymore.
I do want to pray, but just not sure if I can summon the right deity.
I was taught that 'Jesus' is the correct deity, but just because I say their name before or while I pray on my knees, doesn't mean they'll be the one standing in front of me.
I doubt Jesus even likes me anymore.
I have sinned, and according to the bible sin makes god flee far away from you.
And why would god respond to me, when the needs of so many others go unanswered?
I just do not know.
I do know I don't feel like getting on hands and knees and kneeling before nothing.
And this idea that a 'God' would be impressed with me doing that would make such a god kind of petty.
I don't know
I just don't know but wish I did.
Last Edit: Dec 24, 2018 0:04:39 GMT -5 by X factor