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Post by X factor on Dec 7, 2013 15:56:45 GMT -5
When you're scared. There's different things that scare us... What scares us at age 5 no longer scares us at age 20...and things that scare us at age 20...do not scare someone who is 5. Usually adults are scared by uncertainty. Uncertainty can be very scary...financial uncertainty, medical uncertainty, legal uncertainty, or even test taking uncertainty. But I think as an adult, the worst kind of fear is financial uncertainty fear, where your very lively hood is at stake, or home, way of life.. that is what scares most adults...  As an adult, there's probably no worse feeling than first loosing job, source of income, followed then by loosing your home. It's then you begin to realize how utterly worthless you are to society, unless you have money. You begin to realize it's never really 'you' people value, rather it's the money in your pocket they care about. The older you get, the more you figure out what type of lifestyle you want, schedual... But when you loose source of income, place of residence, what made you comfortable for years, maybe even decades, is suddenly disrupted. Some commit suicide at this point, rather than be dragged through life carving a meager, slavish existence doing something you hate earning pennies. Some would rather die, while things are still good, rather than live through ugly, uncomfortable decline. Die with good memories of the past, rather than face ugly uncertainty, and future sufferage. Exampe would be going from being an engineer, to getting layed off, to loosing home, to being forced to live in rented shared house, to working at labor ready to only earning enough to pay basic bills while performing physical tasks on job that leave your body hurting. Some would rather die, than face such a mundane future... The higher the expectations you have for yourself, the harder it can be to crawl at times. And it's also harder when you have to do it alone. People who go through ordeals alone suffer the most...single people or widows ect. Having someone there with you, going through ordeal at exact same time, is like medicine. Two people can endure so much more than one can...two people can make 'light' of situations together in ways a single person cannot. When you're alone...going through uncertainty alone...seems the only person there talking to you is the devil...  And here's what the devil seems to tell you...when you're going through moments that seem impossible to over come... 1. Oh just kill yourself, what's the big deal, no one will care that you're gone, and at least you can escape the hellish reality laid out before you... 2. You have no value...so just end the pain. 3. A better world awaits, a better reality. 4. Why put off today, what's going to eventually happen anyways? 5. I promise it will be painless. When you're alone...it's as if the devil, dark spirits, or your own dark thoughts whisper thoughts to you. When you're alone, there's no one elses voice of reason to 'snap you out of it'... You're just alone, in pain, and hear voices that tell you how to deal with that pain. As such it's much tougher to over come ordeals when you're alone. You have to be 2-4 times stronger to get through things when you're alone. Cause there's no one there to tell you 'Everything's going to be alright'...when you're alone, you don't get that reassurance. There is no assuring hug, when you're alone...no one to sleep next to at night, wake up next to...nothing but your fears. Is there a point to this post?, no...not really...the only point is for the author of this post to release a bit of energy...that may or may not help others in odd ways... |
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Post by X factor on Dec 7, 2013 16:35:54 GMT -5
The number one thing that scares people in this world is running out of money...  Being broke, the process of going broke, with no way to generate income, has got to be one of the most scariest feelings of all... The feeling of loosing all that, which we, you, society, derives their meaning, identity from...stuff. It's why when I was homeless, years ago...I just had to let go...and once I let go, it's like I was free from that spell. The pressure to 'have', to maintain...it just all went away...just letting go of 'stuff' and status was very liberating to me at the time...I could finally relax...no more trying to pay bills I couldn't afford, no more trying to pretend I had more money and value to society than I really did...being homeless just put me smack dab out there on the streets, in alleys, parking lots, parks...and there was no longer any false pretenses...it was what it was...and I was finally free. I know that sounds odd to those who have never gone through that before...but when you finally just let go of all the BS, and accept the fact that you have value aside and away from 'Stuff'...it actually strengthens you... You are finally free from the materialistic spell. Only a homeless or formerly homeless person would understand that...it's not as hellish as you think. Looking back...some of the best years, moments of my life where when I was homeless...no one could bug me then...there was nothing else anyone could take from me... Then you're talked into getting back into the system...and when you do all the stress comes again...cause now that you 'have'...you have to maintain it...work jobs you don't like, pay all sorts of fixed bills. And after a while you realize you're not really free... When I was homeless...there was no stress...just peace...I could do and go wherever I wanted, when I wanted. Now I was fortunate in that I still had a vehicle, a van, which provided me with mobile shelter. And I was fortunate in that I lived in a warmer climate...so wasn't freezing at night. And I still worked part time jobs...but had very few bills to pay. I was almost able to keep more of my money than someone with full time job and a ton of bills. Do I want to go back to that lifestyle? No, not really...but at times I have to reflect and look back and remember that we have all been fooled into thinking 'stuff' and status is what makes us happy, when in fact it's always trying to hang onto stuff and status that makes us miserable... |
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Post by X factor on Jan 8, 2014 8:55:39 GMT -5
All we can really control is our own body, and our own will....outside of that, there's not much we can control. Can't control other peoples decision making, can't control the mechanics of equiptment, or machinery one may operate to make a living...there's lots we can't control throughout course of day. All we can control is our will, desire, and body... Things, objects, can collapse around you, people can leave you, bad weather can move in and ruin your plans, but you still have your will, and your body. Most of our fear comes from things we can't control, we worry ourselves to death about things we can't control. But looking back, I think it's better, healthier, to fail going forward, than to fail sitting still, allowing things that haven't occurred yet to defeat us, allowing projected fears of tomorrow, to effect our will to go forward today. All you can do is go forward... I always go back to a movie scene...one of the most unlikely movie scenes to draw inspiration from...but it's a scene from the movie 'Drag me to Hell'... When the Gypsy lady says to the Loan Manager 'Please, won't you try?'...after loan officer told lady it was unlikely bank would extend mortgage late payment grace period.  The old Gypsy lady put all her papers on the table, at that point there was nothing else she could do but 'try'. How the bank responded was outside of her control, but the Gypsy lady tried anyhow. And I often derive inspiration from that scene, cause many of us find ourselves in similar situations, whether dealing with others, or machines, our vehicles ect. All we can do is try. And if our 'trying' is not good enough, effective enough, than that's when Fate takes over. and steers us in a new direction. And fate can be an odd guide at times... |
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Post by X factor on Jan 8, 2014 13:15:50 GMT -5
I don't think life ever gets easy for someI don't know if life ever gets easy for any...
At least not for the check to check, wage earning labor class...there's so much uncertainty from day to day, life never really stops being fearful, fearful of running out of funds, fearful of being humiliated cause you ran out of funds. The streets are full of people who feel between the cracks, and ran out of funds, and who now hussle, and husslings a hard way to make it, cause every thing you do is under the table, doesn't really pay a lot, and you always risk going to jail, and the fact you're always doing things underhanded and sneaky does take a toll on ones conscious, and mental health.
That's why most can't hussle, do to a strong conscious, so instead try to do things right, as a low wage earner, with all stacked against you.
The top side world is just as merciless as the underworld...maybe more so, in it' cold, no yield, compromise abhesion to strict financial rules and law.
City code, this code, that code, this fee, that fee, this bills do, that bills do, yet as one person, or even a couple, you can only generate so much income in a working day.
$8.00 an hour is $8.00 an hour...the rate never changes, no matter how hard or fast you work, it's still only $8.00 an hour, yet to stay above your bills, $9.00 an hour is required...and so many go into debt.
Being poor in and of itself is actually not so bad...cause it levels out, you know what you can afford, and what you can't. What's stressful is dropping income classes, that is loosing you financial status and descending to the next lowest class, loosing your home, house, car, cars, good credit rating, loosing your business ect...that's the stressful part...
The process of no longer being able to live a $100,000 a year lifestyle, and having to live a $20,000 lifestyle instead.
Many commit suicide when this occurs, that's just how stressful it is for some who've never gone through that.
You read in the papers a lot about murder suicide news links of couples.. ....
Many just can't handle the stress of self decline...but it always amazes me, as someone who has no one, how two people together, can't over come their fears?
I mean to me, as long as you're in a relationship with another, you have the world, whether rich or poor, you have each other.
Being alone, on the other hand, you have nothing and no one, no one to comfort you, no one to fight for, no one to make the future seem like a brighter place to be...your just alone.
To me, two people together would have twice the strength, twice the fight, twice the determination and twice the income...but according to above red worded link, I guess not.
As a single person with no friends, family or love...you really have to dig deep to justify not giving up...really have to convince self that you continue to fight on for some greater cause...sometimes that cause simply being having a place to stay warm or cool in.
Or that someday, you might actually meet someone.
Sometimes the best way to handle fear is to just run straight at it and see what happens...that's about all you can do sometimes.
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Post by X factor on May 18, 2015 21:18:37 GMT -5
Tomorrow scares me right now, maybe it shouldn't but it does.
All the unknown's about it, or maybe it's the knowing that's so scary.
The patterns of human behavior that effect your life, ability to get ahead and so on.
Maybe it's not the unknown that scares me about tomorrow, but rather the known.
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Post by X factor on Dec 28, 2015 20:48:58 GMT -5
The next few weeks scare me
Yep, the next few weeks scare me, why?...cause have no garunteed income.
Yet no one around me really knows that.
Even if hired at high paying job, since new, it would only be part time, so still would need to find full time income or other part time.
It's scary not knowing if or how your going to make it, all the while putting on confident face to neighbors and friends.
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Post by X factor on Nov 24, 2019 7:12:22 GMT -5
More and more I feel 'scared and fearful' of my own reality, not other peoples reality, but my own.
And by the way, I don't like it when others always tell you 'you should be grateful cause at least'....
People who aim for 'the least' live at the bottom, and this idea that you should be 'happy' about your own situation or failures simply cause some one is starving in Africa, is a flawed response.
There are many, in fact, in Africa, who are poor by Western standards, who probably, on a daily basis live a more full, enriched, heritage filled life than many living in America dealing with debt, terrible job, awful or no social life, addiction, depression and more.
And not only that, but there's probably more homeless living in America than are living in Africa, how ironic is that.
Our streets over here, in fact, probably as bad or worse than those living in poor nations, for sure the drug problem is worse here.
And most living on the streets didn't start off in life wanting to be homeless, so what went wrong?
Well a lot of things go wrong with living in a nation that places capital gain before everything else.
And,someone living in Africa is not worried about what some backward mountain type in Tennessee thinks about them, rather they're to busy hustling and bustling and taking care of their family or tending land or whatever.
I write all that just to say that looking at another's situation and thinking it's 'sad' or bad, without first talking to them, is a arrogant assumption made by most in the West.
Happiness is the total sum of a lot of things, not just income or wealth, says the smart person.
Anyways, so busy writing about Africa that I forgot to write about myself...later.
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Post by X factor on Mar 18, 2022 22:18:15 GMT -5
 Tomorrow scares me dearly. The 'Zone' makes me feel safe, cause clarity is allowed, but elsewhere, not so much. |
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Post by X factor on Mar 18, 2022 22:20:22 GMT -5
I will wake up tomorrow and tread into a world that is totally foreign to me, and me to it.
I wish 'Calgone' could take me away, like in that old dishwashing commercial add.
'Oh Calgon' take me away, the woman would say as she was doing laundry and housework.
But you know what, I'd do anything to be in her position right now.
If all I had to do was stay at home and do housework while a husband or spouse worked?
Give me that any day of the week, I'll switch spots with her right now, if could.
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Post by X factor on Mar 18, 2022 22:29:39 GMT -5
Tomorrow scares me dearly. The 'Zone' makes me feel safe, cause clarity is allowed, but elsewhere, not so much. You cannot hide from the closet monsters, they cometh when one strays from the path. Don't care how dainty or prestine or clean you think your feet are, the closet monsters always have a appetite for those who stray.  |
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Post by X factor on Mar 28, 2022 17:46:25 GMT -5
I'm scared and fearful right now that my credit won't be good enough for me to get the new car I want. There's just something demeaning about being told you're not good enough to get something you want. And right now, I kind of want a brand new Dodge Challenger.  And when I set my mind on something it usually happens. But do I really need a new car right now with how expensive the cost of living is? |
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Post by X factor on Mar 28, 2022 18:04:27 GMT -5
I just think having a new car will save me I just think having a new or newer car will save me...why? 1. Having a new or newer cool car that I like will incentivize me to want to just get out more. And when I get out more, I'm more sociable and as such meet others, and create opportunity for self by doing so. If I have new car, will more likely go out again, go to comedy club or clubs, go wherever, be more adventurous. But with current older paid off vehicle, all I do is sit at home....wasting life away.
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Post by X factor on Jan 30, 2024 11:02:45 GMT -5
It's Tuesday It's Tuesday, and I'm not gonna lie, I feel like utter crap right now. My mood is off, my bodies chemistry, or physiological balance feels off as well. And on top of that parts of my body aches...I'm just a mess today. And it's probably only going to get worse, phycologically and even fiscally, and in other ways. Also, I have no one to lean on for comfort, not a soul, yet still trying to do the right thing for 'devils'. I've learned this, and that is you cannot ever please devils, ever. Devils hate you unconditionally. You'll go broke trying to please devils, and then what? As I sit here typing this, at this moment, I just feel doomed. Next week, I have to go somewhere I don't want to go, but when drunk/drinking, I booked a ticket out of impulse. The devil is also in the 'bottle', and then gets ahold of your mind and makes you do stupid things you later regret. Right now, I have no answers or solutions, other than to try to reclaim my body, my health, my mind and my spirit, cause that's my only defense in this world. Health is everything, without health, and not being loved, than one may as well just roll over and die. But I'm to healthy to roll over and die, so until then will continue to get tormented by this world, my world, and those I was cursed to be born around.
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Post by X factor on Feb 1, 2024 23:02:16 GMT -5
This is a very challenging time for me right now.
Scared, frustrated, a feeling of being defeated, squashed, uncared for, alone and abandoned.
Emotionally it's a very challenging time for me, and then add to that, the feeling of going broke, not to mention gotta pay rent tonight, $1,300 +, I just want to vomit.
Rent is evil, for sure.
Helping others has never paid off for me.
The minute you help others, another, the next day they forget and go back to demeaning your character.
Life is gross, or people can be, for sure (at least those I'm in orbit with)
I can't believe my life has turned out like this.
Then a relative of mine destroyed the property I was suppose to move into now and get ahead in life.
It's like I'm just surrounded by people who's lives the devil or evil, uses to get at me.
I'm 'bad' to some, yet spending my savings to go fly 1000's of mile away to help a relative, my Mother, that no one else will, yet I'm bad?
I was out of their life for years and years, and these evil people never once tried to mend things, intead they used it to their advantage like the rats they are.
Well at least they could of done is taken care of my Mother, while I was absent.
I'm the only one who sends the gifts, fly's out there, ect, yet I'm the bad one?
Oh well...these are some challenging times for me emotionally, and morally.
I've gotta keep my moral up, but not sure how.
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Post by X factor on Feb 12, 2024 23:03:12 GMT -5
What scares me the most right now, is the idea of getting older, and just living just to get by.
My creative side is such an important part of who I am, but you need to be in a stable environment to do so.
The side the world sees when I show up to work isn't all of me, and I don't really like that side...I mean I do, but it bugs me that people can't see I'm much more than that.
I don't want my creative side to ever die, my creative side is what keeps my spirit alive....not that I've ever made money from my creative art, and it's many forms...but still.
I fear just turning into some mundane older worker who's lost their 'shine'.
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