Under a curse or something...seem to only attract leach type people in me life.
I give, give and give, and no one ever bothers giving back, never thinks or cares that I could use help...they just take take take, are full, have other sources of those they 'get from', from family, government, ect, but never ever bother giving anything to me...nothing, nada, zero.
Tired of leaches who only take...and never give crap back...
Alone...most really don't know what's that like, to truly be alone.
Even in prison, people aren't alone, they're isolated for long periods of time, but they're not alone, have groups they belong to, family that writes or calls, lovers ect.
Even 'evil' people aren't alone, cause they'll manipulate others so that they're not alone, they'll lie, to get spouse or to spouse, lie to lover, lie to friends and family, just to not be alone.
Even on the streets you see the lowest of the low paired with someone, or a group.
Even criminals have associates or 'friends' they can call when need to talk, or get called to chat about something, same with gangsters, everyone, even Satan worshipers aren't alone, and have 'network' of pals to discuss occult stuff with.
Starving people, you see on TV, in war torn nations, aren't even alone, they're always around others, or friends or families, or even fellow terrorist...none of them are alone.
On the other hand, I know what it's like to be alone, forgotten, ignored and buried while still alive.
It doesn't feel 'bad' per say (For the most part it's peaceful)..but there are times when you realize being alone, not having anyone, not having anyone want you in their life or inner circle, can diminish the quality of life.
Can diminish motivation, urge and passion, and instead you just sit, as if something good is finally suppose to happen, but it never does.
To me, when you're good and live by ardent principle...(and no I don't mean holier than thou type of principles)
Cause I'm not 'holy', who is, but at the same time I never do anything wrong, I never move in on the vulnerable, I never cheat, I just exist, and one day I won't, and it will be as if never here I suppose, like billions of others, but at least many will have left behind something, but again, if dead and disconnected from the living, what's it matter what you left behind.
Heaven?...ye OK, the older I get the less I think that's tangible, just to many things are 'off' if you're the thinking type.
Billions dead throughout man being here, where are they?
All that 'energy', where has it gone?
The only thing that really makes sense is the whole 'resurrection' thing from the dead, where everyone 'who lived right, according to scripture, is brought to life again'.
But even that doesn't really make sense, to the thinking.
Cause there are now, and in the past, and always, billions that have lived and died where the bible wasn't apart of their belief system or culture.
When you're truly alone, as I am, you begin to realize there really is nothing, no love, no hate, nothing, just matter.
If there's no one around to 'Love' you, than you don't feel loved, when no one around to 'Hate' you than you don't feel hated.
Love, Hate, it's all energy that comes from other life forms, not out of thin air.
When alone, alienated from others you begin to realize that.
When alone, and you cry, it's like a tree falling in the forest, there's no one there to hear it, to respond to it, so it doesn't matter.
And no invisible 'God' comforts you either, when alienated and alone, only other people can do that, or you can 'fool' self into thinking the 'Love' you have for own well being is that of 'God'.
I can sit here and say 'Please God, sit on the couch next to me'...and he or it won't.
(But seems other odd entities attack you while in semi sleep or the state of 'sleep paralisist' (or however it's spelled)
Yep, when alone, you begin to realize how there really is nothing, outside of living breathing life.
Even 'monsters' or 'demons' can't bug you when you're dead and gone.
Lately, routine has been to bust butt during day, then come home, once home, alone, a few drinks maybe, concentrate on one or two things from 'to do list' and then just crash, in bed usually by 8 pm or 9.
Then just drift off and dream.
Pathetic huh, sure is, but when a lone, unloved, hard to find motivation, so just sleep instead.
Then cause I go to bed so early now, usually wake up around 3-5 am, and have to deal with 'thoughts', like being tormented or something, self degrigation type thoughts...like
'you loser' or 'you'll never amount to anything' or 'your life really sucks' and so forth, just lay there, peacefully in the dark while thoughts attack.
This has been my routine lately.
But while asleep, totally relaxed and enjoying wonderful dreams, it's just when I awaken in early morning does torment of reality seem to pour in again.
I really do think I'm OK with being alone now, I mean that's a sad admission, but yet indeed I'm OK with being alone, being alone is peaceful to me now.
I mean I still have much to offer others, or another, but just not willing to do what it takes to attract anyone anymore...for a change I want someone who is attractive, or still attractive to be attracted to me.
And then take 'childbirth' or rearing out of the equation, then what's it matter whom you're attracted to or who's attracted to you?
I mean older women who have already reared their children, and don't want anymore, what do they bring to my table? especially if not fit, or very pretty.
I mean if I meet a woman, and her kids already raised and grown, or she doesn't want anymore, than what's in it for me? or others in my situation?
To me, once you remove having a family together out of the equation, than what's the difference between being gay/lesbian or straight?
Gay couples can't have children, is the same result to me as being with woman who's had or done with that stuff, the net result is 'nothing'. (at least for the male)
I think if males could have babies on their own, like females, many probably would.
The instinct to want to be a parent is strong in both genders, but pop culture only emphasizes that instinct in women, but not males, and in TV commercials often remove male from equation, and just show 'independent' Mother raising kids without 'Father'....
As if to say 'Father not needed anymore'...(try telling that to the kid)...
Yes, I'm alone, cause I'm just to complex, well not really even that, I'm misplaced in that the proper path for me would have been academia, around like minded thinkers, but instead drifted off into blue collar world, where abstract thinking not really appreciated.
I'm simply cut off from those I should be around and just to wore out and tired to go find them anymore.