As soon as I lay down and close my eyes, all I think about, see, create with mind or imagination is of myself, in various human forms, getting beat up and tormented by various forces.
Sometimes the forces are human, humanoid, and some times their literal flesh monsters, as in Jason on Friday the 13th type of monster or even more deformed than that, other times they could be alien like creatures, yet other times spirit creatures, regardless, the one thing they all do is beat me up and thrash me, that's all my mind ever conjures up anymore as soon as I close my eyes at night and or sometimes even during the day.
In my mind, I never get hugs, or hugged, ever, cause it don't occur in real life, so why would it occur in my mind.
So instead, as soon as I close my eyes and lay down, without skipping a beat, all I imagine is various forms of myself getting brutalized by various forms of man, personalities, entities and more.
I get tortured, like in the movie 'SAW', but because it occurs in the mind, it never ends, luckely I can't feel the pain...smirk out loud.
The only time it stops is when I dream, once I start dreaming, all is fine, but when laying down and not dreaming, it's just various forms of myself getting tormented, bullied, beat up, chased, tossed, hit with baseball bats by uncaring souls and more.
That's what it's like to be alone and without love.
Last Edit: Jan 28, 2019 4:06:06 GMT -5 by X factor
I simply decided to take a time out from being chased around a gigantic Mansion, like the size of 3 football stadiums, with lots of windows and halls, and passages, anyways I simply took a time out from being brutalized inside such a mansion, beat up, dragged, dominated, controlled by jealous forces, I simply took a time out from that, to write this, for maybe by writing it will help me to fall asleep, but as soon as I stop writing this, lay back down, and close my eyes, the constant self destructive images in my mind will continue with no break at all.
It's the only form of affection I know, I suppose...
When alone, you tend to perceive things differently
When alone, you tend to perceive things differently than those who are constantly surrounded by friends/family/pets and more.
Being alone can ever effect ones perception of 'God'.
It's much easier to believe god loves you if one is immersed in family/friends, and or has rich social life, but when alone, and have none of the above, it can be a different story.
When alone, you realize it was the people around you that made you feel as if 'God' loved you, but when truly alone, without no one around, there is no 'Love' from nothing, there's just you, sitting there or laying there all alone.
When alone, you get no magical hug from god or anything else, you just lay or sit there alone.
And if something does touch or prod you, more likely it's a dark spirit.
When truly alone, you begin to realize there's really 'nothing' but silence.
If someone else has to tell 'me' that 'God Loves you', than that's kind of weird, if God can't speak that truth on his or it's own.
When alone, you also realize if you don't value yourself, pretend to love self, that no one else will.
Some times I like being alone, other times I can resent it, just depends.
I do it to myself I guess, here, out there, a city full of activity and people, yet I remain alone and in purposeful isolation.
Not sure why?
I guess I"m just turned off by the population, by people in general, there's nothing out there for me, I've seen it all already, know everything about human nature, can predict how 'small' most will react before encounter.
Do only reason for me to go out anymore seems to be for commercial purposes, like to the store, where you have a purpose for being there.
Clubs?...I just don't do anymore, they seem pointless to me right now.
I'd might like to go to a older more sophisticated 'Jazz' type club, but even then, I don't know...I've changed over the years, I guess I use to think I was cool, and had a lot of money to spend.
When you have money to spend, can buy people drinks, everyone fakes like they like you, but if wondering how you're going to pay for your own drink, going out can be cloudy.
Maybe that's it, since i don't have gobs of cash anymore, I know longer feel confident, like I can just buy my way out of any situation or buy my way into any situation.
Even here I post, but don't share, yet get 'random' view and reads.
If I promoted every post I posted, would get a lot more views, but again, in the end what does it matter?...I don't get paid to write.
! view, 10,000 views, effects my writing ability or voltage zero.