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Post by X factor on Dec 23, 2018 23:33:24 GMT -5
When you feel scared
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Post by X factor on Dec 23, 2018 23:46:11 GMT -5
I feel scared right now, not really of anyone, but rather of the unsuredness of my future.
The uncertainty of it all.
Employment, job, bills, goals and dreams, they're all interconnected.
Stable employment means you can concentrate on other stuff when off work, but if job situation changes, it just creates turmoil in other areas of your life.
And employers are so slavish, in their need to control your schedule, as if you don't have a life of your own.
Jobs want you to work self to death, and still be broke, or come home to tired and worn to do anything else.
Jobs that want you to report at like 5 am, or that you must wake up at 4 am to be there on time.
I just can't do that no more, and that's what scares me, cause what I want now, what I need now, is flexibility, very few labor type jobs give that to you.
The older you get, the more you want to live for self, if that makes sense, and the foolishness in it all you begin to see, this idea of showing up to a job daily, and still not making it.
I've become a bit more alive lately, do to current schedule, and the idea of going back to a job, schedule, where they rob me of 'self', really scares me, cause I can't go through that again, living just to work, that is.
To me that's death, death to self.
We're all different and have different needs I suppose, if have family responsibilities than I guess working self to death makes sense, but if don't have the above, than what's the point?
4 day work weeks are all I need, and if can't get, than may have to go 'contract' route, with all these use your own car delivery services, at least then can work when want.
Passive income is where it's at, money you can earn while doing nothing do to product you provide be it on line or other.
Roommates can also cut down on expenses and kill the need to have to work long and hard every day.
My goal is to have enough passive income coming in to where I don't ever have to leave place unless I want.
I'm scared because I no longer have the drive or ambition to work mindless jobs anymore and I know that could hurt me fiscally.
But showing up to place I hate, doing mindless work, depresses me.
It's so meaningless, and if the people you work around are bland, it's even worse.
Bosses who feel you owe them your soul, add that to the mix also.
Life is scary, man has made it such.
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Post by X factor on Dec 24, 2018 13:10:01 GMT -5
I'm still scared, why?
Why?
Cause so many people are dishonest now days.
It's for sure not a 'Leave it to Beaver' world anymore where adults always make the right decisions and do the right things, not even.
Now days it sames 70% of population corrupt, or at least those online.
People who have, I guess, given up on 'God' or morality.
And even those who attend church still seem to be corrupt, and willing to exploit others for a quick dollar.
There's really nothing to put faith in anymore, when you really think about it.
Scammers seem to dominate the internet now.
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Post by X factor on Dec 24, 2018 13:11:52 GMT -5
Wasn't Jesus suppose to return in the year 2000, now that it's some 19 years later, what happened, is that too yet just another myth?
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Post by X factor on Dec 24, 2018 13:17:03 GMT -5
I'm also scared of self, own habits, I mean off for 4 days and what did I get done?
Nothing, absolutely nothing!
My own personal habits tend to scare me as of lately which seem to be my own worst enemy.
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Post by X factor on Dec 24, 2018 22:22:27 GMT -5
I scare myself because I scare myself because I don't know what I am or suppose to be anymore. I can't relate to anyone, or maybe I just don't try to anymore. Am I suppose to be cute or ugly or what??!! photos don't actually always tell the truth, I'm actually ugly but just live out softer side through art. I hope good people have a nice Xmas tomorrow. The rest of us remain in the dungeon.
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Post by X factor on Aug 16, 2019 3:23:48 GMT -5
Failing is scary, until you actually do fail, then after you do actually fail, you realize they can actually do no more to you, then comes the feeling of liberation and enlightment (or however spelled)
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Post by X factor on Aug 18, 2019 18:59:28 GMT -5
Ye, I'll admit I do feel scared right now, about what?
About tomorrow, about the future, which does seem to be a very common theme in this section here.
I just feel scared about tomorrow and my ability to deal with stuff, dissolving job, having to find another place to work that may not give me same relaxing schedule where allowed to relax and recover on the side.
It all just worries me.
I hate, totally despise the idea of only being alive to pay bills and scrape buy, while working full time....what a sham...
If not going to be a millionaire than the next best thing this world can give me is 'time'...time to relax, time to breathe, time to recover, time to do things on the side that bring me joy, even though no income involved.
And any situation that pulls me away from that, scares me, and even angers me.
I'm just to rebel now, at this stage of me life to be some low down wage slave.
I owe the rest of my life, what years I have left to 'me', and not to some corporate board so they can meet their numbers.
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Post by X factor on Sept 25, 2020 17:46:58 GMT -5
Maybe the word 'scared' is to strong, but I do feel kind of 'small' right now.
Like I have no 'pillow' to lay on, so to speak.
Just a mood I guess, moods come and go.
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Post by X factor on Jun 14, 2021 4:52:02 GMT -5
No Comfort  Right now I most certainly do feel a bit afraid and or scared, and feel there's very few places I can draw comfort from, so I write about it instead. What do I feel afraid of? 1. Myself, and my own slacking type of habits 2. Powerful forces in society, in the world, that are scheming behind the scenes to manipulate politicians into doing things that hurt those they're suppose to serve. 'To serve', what a joke term that has become, politicians get elected to serve themselves now. But that aside, I mainly fear my own slacking bad habits even before I fear dirty politicians. Because here's the deal, how I see it, you have to be mentally fit and sound, if even have the chance of standing up to what's to come, and I think some shady rotten stuff is right around the corner. Evil never sits still for very long, the super wealthy and rich see the rest of us as toys to be played with. Going forward, unless I get my mind right, more focused, not sure how I'm going to make it in this new world that's about to come, a world more and more where people will be under mind control, almost like how China is now, where you have to fake smile, fake like you're happy, fake salute the emporer and all. Now that I've gotten that off my mind it's time to get something to eat.
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Post by X factor on Nov 11, 2021 13:31:12 GMT -5
I feel a bit scared right now, about traveling, cause haven't done it in such a long time.
I like security and certainty, now that a bit older, when way younger could care the less, risk was exciting, risk was a way to prove yourself, not anymore...well just depends.
why am I nervous about traveling?
a. Not sure?
Maybe cause I feel so incredibly alone doing it, even though would be visiting older relative.
If I do this I just don't want any lose ends, as far as my safety and security goes.
In other words if I fly, even though visiting another older relative here's what I'd need to do to feel way more confident.
1. Book flight, of course
2. Reserve rental car ahead of time, that's a must, that = independence, something I need no matter where I go, don't want to fly somewhere and then be forced to depend on others, Uber, taxis, none of that, nothing helps restores one pride, ego, self esteem, than being 100% independent...and others respect you more for it as well, don't even have to be rich, but never show up anywhere as being 'needy'.
3. Hotel/Motel room reservations, that's also needed, in other words when get to place I'm going, in addition to having own rental car, transportation = independence, I also need a place to stay that's all my own!
That's really key and important!
I need to know that when traveling to a place far away, that when get there, if all else goes wrong that I at least have a place of my own as in 'Hotel/Motel Holiday Inn (sorry, from that old rap song)
Just because it's a relative, doesn't mean their place is suitable for me to live in, I'm older now and funny about where I lay my head down.
I think if I have my own place and own car, I'll feel better about this trip, much better, sure it'll cost more, but so what.
I've lost all contacts in the place I'm going to, grew up there, but it's been years since been back, so when show up, if I go back, I'll be as a stranger to all the newer people there.
But one thing I don't want to be is helpless, no worse feeling than being in a strange place and being helpless, feeling stranded, doesn't matter how much money you have, money is no good if begging for a ride or living in run down place.
We'll see, simply trying to talk, or 'write' myself into doing this.
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Post by X factor on Dec 6, 2021 18:16:06 GMT -5
It's like I just woke up the last few days and realized how utterly evil man is, and his systems.
How utterly evil big tech is, their motivation, their spying and more.
I think it's cause I stopped drinking, and so now forced to just 'see', how things really are, how people really are, how hateful most are, how much people lie, steal, rob, cheat, and not just on the street level but in Tech, in corporate settings, Government office settings and more.
It really is scary when you think about it.
What am I going to do about it?
Nothing, there's nothing I can do about it, which makes it even more scary.
I don't have the reigns of power or Authority to change a darn thing.
There's nothing I can do about it.
I guess I can take smaller steps and stop using big tech so much, I mean it's not like you need big tech in order to breathe.
I use google mail, which means have videos on YT associated with my user accounts, so if I just divorce google all together, there goes my videos as well on YT.
But actually I don't email anyone, all I get is junk mail.
But still, things are just scary, things feel scary to me right now, in this mood I'm in, it's like I can feel the thickness of evil all around me.
And I really don't know what to do about it, other than just not think about it.
I'm powerful as of now, until one day given power by fate, but if not, not much I can do other than note how I feel about stuff.
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Post by X factor on Dec 6, 2021 18:24:00 GMT -5
Yes, the cyber world is a creepy world, cause people can do to you in the cyber world that which they'd dare not in the real physical world, as in silence you, shadow band, this that, take away your ability to express yourself.
I mean try that on the streets and get your azz beat the hell up, but in the cyber world, there's no one to swing at, you have some nerdy Indian dude or nerdy 'W' geeky dude, deciding how far you get out, if at all, like some geeky dictator or something.
Now that sober I see I've been going down the wrong path, thinking I could make an impact in the cyber world, thinking people on the other side were real, nope.
Nothing real I can't see or that doesn't try to help me get ahead in life.
I will say this, now that sober, it's easier for me to walk away from it.
I mean twitter only matters to you if on their platform, once leave their platform, who are they again??
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Post by X factor on Dec 6, 2021 18:26:24 GMT -5
Yes, the cyber world is a creepy world, cause people can do to you in the cyber world that which they'd dare not in the real physical world, as in silence you, shadow band, this that, take away your ability to express yourself. I mean try that on the streets and get your azz beat the hell up, but in the cyber world, there's no one to swing at, you have some nerdy Indian dude or nerdy 'W' geeky dude, deciding how far you get out, if at all, like some geeky dictator or something. Now that sober I see I've been going down the wrong path, thinking I could make an impact in the cyber world, thinking people on the other side were real, nope. Nothing real I can't see or that doesn't try to help me get ahead in life. I will say this, now that sober, it's easier for me to walk away from it. I mean twitter only matters to you if on their platform, once leave their platform, who are they again??
Big techs influence has spilled outside of their platforms and into Legistlative Halls around the nation and probably the world.
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Post by X factor on Dec 6, 2021 18:30:36 GMT -5
It's like I'm coming out of a coma or something, since not drinking, and not sure how to handle it, how to analyze stuff, society, my surroundings.
Just not sure what's going on anymore, when drunk all the time didn't care nor did it matter, to busy being clownish to self, but now, now, a more serious side has emerged (well not really, just now I have more time to think about stuff when off from job).
My health, my future, the rising costs of stuff, the rising costs of rent, whether renting a house, or apartment, or buying a new home, every things going up, it's like you have to be a millionaire now to make it.
No wonder thievery is going up as well.
Not sure what to do about any of it as a individual, as a individual, I'm pretty helpless, and just have to go with the flow of the current I suppose.
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