I feel like the 'Hulk' caught in the middle of transformation, not fully hulk and not fully human, if can use that as a metaphor in that gave up hard liquor but still drinking beer.
Liquor drains me of energy, Beer really does not.
So I'm like caught in the middle somewhere.
But I think sober side, or sane beer side, winning out.
Liquor puts me over the edge, beer really does not, beer just makes me a bit silly, playful and stupid, but if add liquor to that mix i get other worldly....and then wake up next day feeling depressed.
No hardcore liquor in about 8 days, and now beer drinking down to minimal, like two cans of beer, if that, and I'm done. As such energy level rising again, extra energy, so much so that find it hard to fall asleep.
Cause I'm healthy, and when I stop drinking a surge of energy returns, but it's a sustained energy.
Mind not use to that, use to going to sleep in alcoholic daze, now that I have reduced drinking by 90%, energy level coming back.
Phasing self out of alcohol again, but this time it feels more real in that drinking just doesn't serve me anymore, it doesn't really make me happy anymore, getting drunk or buzzed just to get drunk or buzzed without anything to celebrate has just ran it's course with me, I guess.
Not only that but drinking is, or was, interfering with my other love and passion, and that is to broadcast on the side.
You can't produce 4 shows a week if always in a post drunken stupor.
I'm only awake now cause haven't been drinking, if had would be sleeping it all, and feeling all depressed..., well actually no depression when asleep, the depressed post drinking feeling only sets in while awake in the morning and dreading the up coming day.
When not drinking energy level immediately surges by like 70% or more.
I mean ye, while getting drunk and 'peak' you shallow window of drunk energy, but then once that begins to fade, you're no good for rest of evening.
Anyways, I've been down this road before, but this time, do to other things going on, it just feels more lasting.
I love my shows more than I do drinking, and I always knew it would taking something coming along that I love more than drinking that would finally change my habits.
Either something or a person, but in this case a 'something'...broadcasting.
Like I've always said or known, the only thing that can really break your or ones addiction to anything is either your love for something greater than your addiction, or (someone) or someones love for you. But if you don't love them back, it won't work.
That's why I say your love of 'something' is almost more stronger in that if you want to succeed at something, and you realize that drinking or other addiction is getting in the way, than the moment of truth arrives.
But if you wait around for another to 'Love you out of addiction', it just may never happen, so you gotta kind of 'love your own self' out of addiction.
Last Edit: Jun 3, 2019 21:21:51 GMT -5 by X factor
When you stop drinking, your energy level may come back a lot or a bit, but that doesn't nessisarily mean your happiness level will return.
I mean obviously I've got more energy since cutting back on drinking beer (no hard liquor at all anymore for at least 2.5 weeks), but I've cut back on beer like 97% or so.
My energy has come back, but once home, when use to drinking a beer or 5, you have energy, but not nessisarily happiness to go along with it....which then makes you do kind of want to drink......again....
It's a process, and takes weeks, even months of reconditioning self to do without....to not be afraid of being sober.
Especially when trying to do so alone.
Luckily I didn't suffer withdrawals in that I didn't drink hard enough for that to occur.
No illusions, no seizures, no heavy sweating type stuff, the main thing is just dealing with moods.
And yes, reality is still scary and uncertain, being drunk hides you from that fact.
People are or can still be dangerous and scary, and again when drunk, that fact is hidden from you.
But another plus of being sober is face starts looking better, that extra layer of fat on face begins to go away, and for someone like me, makes me look younger than I really am in that I'm a pretty decent looking soul, at least I think so.
But when you drink a lot, your face gets that 'pudgy' look (something about capilary veins)
Anyways, coffee for now, until natural balance can be struck again...if make it that far.
I really have no choice cause getting drunk nightly after work just isn't fun anymore, and is a big waste of time and health.
I don't want to get drunk anymore, I hate the feeling now, it's like 'rot' to me, takes me to a place that no longer makes me feel happy or jolly, but rather it takes me to a place that makes me feel ashamed and small.
I want what's left of my life back, the good, the bad and the ugly, but whatever it is I gotta face, I want to face it sober, yes sober.
I want my 'tough' high school self back, where and when I didn't need alcohol to get me through any situation, but rather enjoyed the natural range of natural emotions.
I was sober today, early on, even went to the park by the water, and admittedly it was nothing special, the sun shined, but mood was bland, do to alcohol probably.
Years of drinking dulls your natural emotions, dulls your natural peaks and lows.
So i caved in and had like maybe 80% can of beer, and one of those really small 'barefoot' plastic bottles of wine...like 187 ml is how small it was, but still...I felt bad, almost felt like crying at the fact I caved.
It's like I just had to break self from dull feeling of reality, but yet aloof feeling of slightly being drunk really felt no better, in fact it felt worse.
Some would laugh at me, making a fuss out of drinking 80% can of beer and one very tiny swallow of wine, but to me it's a set back, but one I can definitely over come with water.
Alcohol is my enemy now.
I've come to far to turn around.
Also, after not drinking much lately, if at all, face is smooth again, as if never aged, it's amazing.
I want my youth back, my youthful look back...and it's just right around the corner if I can leave alcohol behind, and I will, I'm determined to cause I have no reason to drink anymore, nothing to celebrate anymore.
At least with drug addiction, the destruction of your life is over with a lot quicker, which means can begin to rebuild much quicker
At least with drug addition (not that there's any positive to that) but at least with drug addiction the destruction of your life occurs much much quicker, thus hit bottom much sooner, thus have to make a change much faster.
The hideous thing about alcohol addiction is it's destructive ways on your life is so so slow.
So unlike with drug addiction, instead of hitting bottom within a year or less, with alcohol addiction you may not hit bottom till 10-20 years later after leaving behind a trail of lost opportunities, embarrasing moments, shattered relationships and more.
Addiction to any substance is bad either way, but they do effect you in different ways.
Excessive alcohol drinking will literaly shred your body, your nerves in what's called 'alcoholic Nueropothy' or something like that, where the nerves in your body become damaged, usually the smaller ones first.
If your' in pain after drinking, that's why, look it up online.
Hard liquor is what speeds it up.
I suggest stop drinking while you're still healthy enough to care and to recover.
If not, alcohol will definitely drag you into the grave prematurely.