Seperated...

I may end up praying after all, but not for reasons you think

I may end up praying after all, out of desperation, regardless of what entity appears before me, I mean if there's really no life after death, than who cares, if all that matters is the here and now, than who cares and so what.

I mean seems the god of 'social good' pretty much ignores me now anyhow, in that all that I want, desire, seems just the exact opposite occurs and happens.

The people I desire to be around, just the opposite are thrust upon me.

Location, just the opposite of where I want to be (stuck do to economics for you snobs who say 'why don't you just move, tell you want, wire me $5 gran and I'll move)


Sometimes I think I'm already in the devils hands anyways.

'God' I know I'm nothing, less than nothing, less than zero.

But if your fate allowed me to win lottery, what I'd do is go back and at least help those who had faith in me in the past and repay them for their efforts, not their fault I'd turn out as a nothing, but at least I could help repay them, 'bless' them with gifts, ect, to show my appreciation.

So many mistakes I've made in life 'God', not fatal ones, just stupid ones.

I do apologize for not making more of the slim, short, conscious life you've given me....so many have done more with less.

Please forgive me God.

My prayer is really like (if could pray)



If could pray, this is what my prayer would really be like now.

'Please God help me, please help me.
I'm not strong like I thought, well maybe I am on the inside, but my flesh isn't so, on the outside.
I realize now, when unplugged from you, your source, that I'm nothing but a imbisal (OK fine, I still can't spell things right)

Lord God, I may be a imbasil, Imbasol (whatever!), I may be dense...but I navigate this world like a butterfly, and you know that or this.

Lord, God, please save me, or if you can't than at least can you comfort me for a while.'

I so wish I could pray to a 'god' out there that actually cared and responded in loving kind way, almost tried this evening, but then just stopped, and instead...whatever ect...

I don't know if God is cruel or loving.

Humans breed just like fish, just like Buffalo, same biological method, how is that 'God like' to have the same chemical make up as deer or hogs or Bison?

Something just seems very 'off' from what most of us have been taught to believe.

Maybe I do need to come back to god, and probably would if really knew that meant.

I mean if, when, you come back to 'god' is one doing it for self or others?

Is one trying to prove to others at church, in public, 'Look, look at me, I believe in god and so should you'.

I originally drifted from going to church years ago out of sheer lonliness, church was one of the loneliest times of the week for me, always sitting alone, going home alone, I felt so dreadfully alone at church.

Like I was this dirty sinner that others tolerated only do to 'Christ'...you could tell that was the dynamic.

It's like we all came together because we had to, in order to support the 'church', but after we heard our sermon, gave money, our usefulness was done.

At least that's how I felt towards the end of my church going years.

It was a lonely time for me, no one in the church wanted to hang out outside of church, yet always told that those not going to church were 'dirty sinners'.

It was a bad spot for me to be in...cause I had no social circle.

The church tolerated me because of 'Christ', and yet told not to associate with those dirty sinners who didn't go to church.

Looking back those people should be shamed for isolating me like that, and probably others.

I wonder how many others eventually drifted away also because of that dynamic.

And if I go back to church, would be the same isolation, I'd go, sit alone, here a sermon about how sinful every thing and everyone is, give money, then leave and feel more alone than before I went.

I don't know what the solution is, I wish Jesus would just come, and bring people to me, instead of me always trying to 'find him' or them.

Not sure if I believe in this type of hell anymore



Burning in fire forever and ever for billions of years, not sure I believe in that outcome anymore, for anyone.

So you had a few bad years while alive on Earth, so now have to burn for billions of years?

Than why even give 'bad people' a soul, why allow people to live, (if god), who you already know are destined for billions and billions of years in hell?

Would it not be more merciful to just only allow souls to be born that you know are going to heaven?

I mean if god knows us, you, people before they're born, why let 'bad seed' be born, if you already know they're going to be a serial killer, or head of a violent drug cartel or whatever.

Why not just keep such types in the grave.