Why I hate being a black doll

As a black doll, I hate being told by other hood type black dolls, that the only image I can embrace for self is that of a shiftless, law breaking thug goon type with a poor grasp on English grammar.

Why would I want to embrace such self destructive traits if I don't have to?

But when you're a black doll, other black dolls seem to hold you to that low standard, and if you act differently, than the first thing these shallow void types want to accuse you of is being gay.

If you're black and intelligent and articulate, nice and fun, than according to other black dolls your gay.

But if your a white male doll and intelligent and articulate, nice and fun, than these same self loathing hood males want to hang out with you and or buy your albums.

Mental illness in rampant in the hood.

I don't hate my skin tone, what I hate is being around other certain types who choose to define all that is 'black' as being monstrous...and if, like you two above said, if not a urban monster and are nice, smile, like to look good, than 'must be gay', and is when you get all the down low creeps grabbing at you at night in the alley.

And it's other male black dolls doing this...that's what's so pathetic about it.

'ngga this, and ngga that'.

I'm not a gangster, nor do I want to be, I just want to be normal, and enjoy my being, self expression, as I see fit.

But males in the hood act so g/d childish, that if you look cute to them, they automatically assume you must be gay, or open to their advances, yet by day pretending to be 200% hetro.

It's all so fake.

The insecure shallow homophobic urban male mindset creates more closet gays than people will ever realize.

I don't so much hate being a black doll, rather I hate being a black doll living amongst other black dolls who have such a narrow view of the world.
(read that again 20 times)

As I dreamed last night while sleeping in bed (or on the couch actually) (and is what motivated me to write this today) the most wonderful dolls, personalities, I encountered were all white dolls, dolls I have known in the past, personalities all mangled in a abstract way.

Since couldn't see self in dream, not sure what color I was, but in dream, as in real life, it didn't matter when I was around white dolls as a youth and growing up, it was my personality and or 'flavor' that was judged by, as such I always felt more whole when around white dolls, back then and even now, today.

(Before I continue, yes, of course I know some white dolls, or even many, in a collective manner, can be racist, don't think I don't know that)

But oddly enough regardless of a few white dolls racism, it never effected my self esteem and healthy view of self.
What destroyed that wasn't white dolls, or living in their communities, but rather black doll devils, who have been programed to hate self and to self destruct.

My love of self was whole, until started living around other black dolls, whole communities of them, and that's where I began to learn how mentally and socially destructive they were, and how that negative view of self could rub off on you if not careful.

Around white dolls I always felt whole and complete, around black dolls I never feel adequate since I wasn't raised as a goon on the streets, and obey the laws, and speak proper, and care for self and future.

Around white, Indian, and other type dolls, I learned to see self as more than just 'flesh', learned to be creative, artsy, colorful, as a way of expression.

Around black dolls all I learn is nothing, simply to hate self, not smile, be mean cold and callus, and to always accuse or blame white dolls or white doll society for the stupid mistakes I make or create in own life.

Everything about me, my colorful nature, happy demeanor, ability to smile, to always want more, to be sturdy in the face of conflict, to respect others and life, all of that comes from my white doll experience as a youth and growing up.

As a black doll, I can't contribute no positive trait of mine to anything 'black'.
In my world, that which is black seeks to destroy and devastate all that is good within me.

And I know there are other dolls, who are categorized as 'black', who feel as I do, feel trapped in a world, mindsets, where you're to tanned to be white, so are lumped into the world of blackness, by others who culturally should never be lumped in with, but are.

And these dark monsters see you as a misfit who just 'doesn't get it', but you do get it, and wish could run away and escape from dolls who hold onto such self destructive mindset, but can't.

They're not monsters cause of being very dark, rather their monsters do to mindset so many who are dark embrace.

And rather than trying to change, instead want to pull all others down into same destructive pit.

Outside of the civil rights era black dolls, and those who faced real struggles before them, those who actually fought on behalf of all to make society fair, outside of that class of black dolls, I owe modern day ghetto hood type dolls nothing, cause they've done nothing but make my life a living hell.

Grade under fire