This is probably one of the worst Xmas's I've ever had...
I just have to much on my mind that I feel is to big for me to over come...
And life can't just be about always digging yourself out of jams. That takes energy, and we all only have a limited amount of energy, and hope.
The happiest time I've had in months, is when I just 'let go', quit everything...job, everything...and just lived...without trying to get ahead...but just lived, like geese do...
What does that say about modern life?, and how so many suffer from depression, be it chemical or nuerological or simply mood based, based on environment.
Sometimes just not sure what the end game is anymore.
The working poor come to realize that no matter how physically hard they work, they will always be poor, always a few checks away from nothing.
Living with that fact can be very stressful, week after week after week.
It's not even my own efforts I doubt, it's so many other obstacles placed in your way that worry me.
From mechanical issues, which cost money, to other people you work around being lazy, which costs you money, to taxes, fees, this, that...all your income just goes towards BS...
When you're poor, you can't save...unless you make 8000 a month, or have $$50,000-$100,000 stashed up...it's just hard to save...just living in an apartment or house costs you from $6000-$20,000 a year.
Those are man/woman hours you must generate through labor...which means you have to stay healthy.
I see low wage people working into their 60's, 70's, health permiting...so much for the dream...they were lied to...told that if they just worked hard someday it would all pay off...not for the labor class it doesn't.
Makes sense that those on top, would always tell those at the bottom, to 'just work harder, and someday it'll pay off'...since those at the bottom supply the labor for those on top.
It's like a phycological trick or something.
Oh well...time to lay back and sleep for a while...
I definitely feel a bit, or a lot emotionally dampened right now, but not sure how related my dampened mood and out look is to the holidays being here.
Just seems every year, around the holidays, things in personal life become unstable, income becomes unstable, or other things, lose job, ect.
Every year, at least for me, bad things seem to occur during the holidays, and then when holidays are over, the rebuilding begins, prosperity resets, but during the holidays things just seem to fall apart.
And then you gotta hear all the holiday music on top of it all, which makes it seem as if you're being mocked by the season, by life, or demons who just want to torment you.
Every where you go, the Xmas music is being played, while you're own life and sense of fulfillment is in shambles.
Addiction, unemployment, divorce, debt, or ect, and you're suppose to put on a generic happy face in public.
And what if you have no family at all to see or visit?
No one to call you, no one to call?
And on Xmas day all alone, nothing, nada, maybe a sandwich, while watching TV and seeing everyone appear happy, going out, shopping, River Front, Park, ice skating, and you, nothing and no one.
You even observe rotten criminals, felons, people in the hood, who even have more love around them on Xmas than yourself.
But still, don't think all or any of that is source of my current mood dampening, I think it has to do with other things related to fulfillment, which has effected my schedule, my sense of being in control.
I don't like jobs where others set your schedule for you, to me that is the most depressing feeling in the world.
Working for people, being supervised by people who are no more competent than you are, yet control your schedule.
In time, hopefully this will work itself out.
After a while you just stop wanting to be bothered with stuff like that.
Like having Royal blood line, yet having to habitate the lower sewers.
Not sure what it is, but everything just feels really grey to me right now...
Just feels dark, I feel dark, my mood and outlook that is.
It's a combination of things I guess, uncertainty about future, and a bit of new year holiday hang over.
The big climax is over and it's like 'That's it?'...nothing changes, old problems still linger.
There really is nothing cleansing about the new year at all.
Bills are still there, shattered relationships still there, medical issues still there ect.
Sometimes outside of the glories hope and expectation of 'God' returning to Earth and ushering in new none physical world, just don't know what there is to look forward to anymore, at least while in this current dark holiday mood.
Wouldn't say I have the 'holiday blues', but just nothing to really celebrate, if one is talking specifically about celebrating the 'birth of this nation' and the freedoms it has come to afford many, or evolve into, than ye, I'm always appreciative of that.
But then again if born in Sweden or Norway or Japan or Australia, or a few other places around the world, not sure if I'd be drooling to come to U.S. in 2016, as conditions in many nations have caught up with U.S. in last 50 years.
I think it all depends on location, class, and whom you're surrounded by when born.
I mean even if born in Arabia, as long as born into Royal family, you're instantly a millionaire, I mean how many in U.S. would love that?
I know I would, maybe not the strict religion, but would love the being born wealthy. Do to massive size, there's a lot of poor people in the U.S. today, barely making it, I'm talking working poor as well as just 'hood' poor, living off the Government.
I'm not sure if every American, if fact I know so, doesn't have a better standard of living than those in Taiwan...
I mean this idea that everyone in U.S. lives better, healthier, more fuller lives than rest of world is a bit of a myth in 2016.
Violence and crime are out of control in most major U.S. cities, street gangs run the streets, and supply the drugs to a doped up population.
Homes foreclose all the time, wages are dropping, citizens becoming more politically divided, constant 'white against black' racial tensions, divorce rate high, kids born into single parent households even higher.
I'm sure there are plenty of happy people around the world, living in other nations, that feel content and as free as your typical disgruntled talk radio conservative whom you always hear crying and complaining about everything under the sun.
Even as I type this, I hear fireworks going off outside in the distance, set off by types who I doubt even know history of own nation born in, they just set them off for the noise and explosions.
Or even a former Soviet nations State Kazakiston, or however it's spelled.
Who's to say day to day life there is any better or worse than it is in U.S. for those just getting by day to day. Usually if people married, have a family, can have sox when they want, have food, a job, that's all most care about, whether in U.S. or elsewhere.
There are plenty of miserable people in U.S. right now, many, even though well off, brainwashed to be or feel miserable just cause President not of their choosing is in office.
They've chosen to be miserable for the last 7 3/4 years, what a waste of life in my opinion, to allow radio hosts to tell you to be miserable just cause some ones in office they're told not to like...that's 8 years of life, living, wasted on being miserable basically over nothing.
America can be great for you, or anyone else, as long as dialed into the right money sources, as with any nation on Earth.
If you have money, you can basically be happy anywhere, except maybe Mexico, Columbia parts of Africa like Somolia, ect where Government very corrupt and would probably get extorted or have to pay a lot for protection.
But usually no matter where one is, money shields you from the realities others face.
If near broke and laboring all the time, it all feels the same whether living in Russia or Iraq or Tibet China, without money it all feels like sludge, trying to exist that is.
Being broke in U.S. is no different than being broke in Australia or Japan.
So ye, it's the Fourth of July weekend, but garuntee you there's millions of people living around he world, not in U.S. who are getting way more out of these last few days than I am.
I wouldn't say I have the holiday blues, rather real life circumstancial blues.
The world, or 'the system', doesn't care about 'what you love', or love to do, all the world or system wants from you is money, to forever and continually generate income, for them; and I say for them in that if you look at all the money you generate during healthy life, how much are most of us left with in the end?...near zero.
If working for self even the lowest paid person would or could retire with $200,000 or more in account, but sadly labor doesn't work that way, you work all your life and in the end still have nothing, cause you get sick, and bam, what u did have is gone.
Real life rarely turns out like cheery TV episodes, never a good ending.
I'm tired of working, to me it's just a distraction.
Right now I don't feel so lucky living in a place that if you stop working you lose everything.
It feels like voluntary servitude.
To get up and have to labor at something you hate doing seems like torture to me right now.
I don't have the Holiday blues, but will be spending day alone, tomorrow, as usual, and that's how I now prefer it...no festival, no relatives, no friends, not even a pet, nothing, nada, except my own mind and creative thoughts, and lots of rest.
In fact, if I did have to travel or go some place, that's what would depress me, in that I don't have anything or one to celebrate anymore.
I guess that's just how far removed I am, and have been, from the mainstream path of what's considered normal...
Don't get me wrong, I mean for years I tried seeking that which was normal, wanted to get married, wanted to have lot's of reliable friends, a job that saw your worth and promoted from within, basically a 'TV series' type of life.....but it just never materialized.
So now I just work and come home, work and come straight home...I don't go out anywhere no more, even dread going to grocery store, will probably start shopping for groceries online.
Most people are embisols so me anymore, and it's sad, when poor, can't chose whom you live around, drive around and more.
I think reality has just finally hit me square in the face in that I finally realize what I am, or better yet what I am to others, and that is 'nothing'.
I can live with that, I suppose, as long as left alone.
It's been a while since posting in this section, but ye, it's that time again, the Holiday blues.
I already feel it, and will be working extra long during the season which will either make it better or worse.
Better in that when working all the time, long over night 4 day shifts, you don't have time nor energy to 'drink', and drinking makes things worse, but that's the only positive I see.
But if moral drops, there's other ways one can damage moral, other than drinking and that is eating poorly and forgetting to exercise.
Eating bad, can be just as bad as drinking.
I think when depressed for long periods of time, your body actually begins tearing self down, I think there's a medical science to back that up, forget the term though.
So how does one, and in this case how do I keep moral up over the next few months?
I don't know, I mean all religion really is is telling self over and over again that things will get better, that there's a better tomorrow, religion simply gives you hope while you're suffering, and that religion could be anything.
Anticipating something in the future, is basically what religion is.
So what shall my religion be over the next few months to carry me through?...I don't know...money?
Sure I'll be making decent money, by today's corona standards, but money can't sustain one's moral on a hourly bases, you only get paid once a week, and if working all the time and depressed you don't even notice it really.
I'll be honest, it's going to be a difficult season for me, not gonna lie, it's going to be very difficult, for a variety of reasons.
All I can do is write about it, that in and of itself kind of helps at times.