Today

Today has been a rough day, and now tomorrow sneaks up on me, us.



Today has been a rough day, and now tomorrow sneaks up on me, us, totally not ready for tomorrow, but like the 'Closet monster' in above scene, ready or not tomorrow just drags you into itself and messes you up and then spits you at..

I think I prefer the closet monster over tomorrow.

Today I feel like I have a mountain before me...and I don't feel like climbing it, not at all.

Oh nothing bad, just routine actually, meaning 'work' is before me, but mood, the way body feels, none of it geared for work today, is why feels like I've got to climb a large mountain and wondering where will get the energy to do it.

Sometimes work just sucks all the spirit out of me, well it depends on the type of work I suppose.

Eventually I'm going to have to get a 'work from home' type of job, I really am, and need to get serious about looking for one, for all this getting up, dressed, preparing a meal, grooming, driving, gas, traffic, it's all just noise to me now, loud worthless noise.

I need to prioritize finding a job I can do from home if I want to take things to another level of ideal.

Funny how in the olden days, like on TV shows, house wives would pick out clothing for Husband to wear...housewives were like 'maids' practically back in the olden days, but then once husband out of the house, could do whatever.

Hell, If I could be a house wife or house spouse and just stay at home, sign me up.

Cause getting up and going out to work everyday is just way over rated in my opinion.

I'd rather stay at home, have spouse gone most of day, even go take a business trip, what would I care, just 'feed me'...let me stay home and play.

Now days, there's a lot a house spouse could do at home, social media, and more, but like back in the 1950's, staying at home all day would probably seem isolating, compared to today.

Today, I need to go shopping for food, not much, I don't eat much, don't need much, and have learned if you don't buy it, you won't eat it.

Last night was a bit zaney, I got on the phone and called a few people I haven't spoken with in over a decade, old classmates from a school I once attended, I can't believe some have kept their same number after all these years, where as I've changed phone numbers and phones.

But found their numbers in my old fashion paper address book, nothing like a old fashion paper address book where numbers stay put forever, for had I only had their numbers on my phones, I'd of never been able to call them 10 + years later.

Anyways, gotta get up now, look in the mirror, groom and go buy some food.

(The one good thing about wearing a mask is you don't have to groom all that good when 3/4 of your face is covered up by a mask)..

Been 'loping' around today so far

Been loping around today so far, I think yesterday, got myself so excited about helping two other people using my own resources, that today just seems kind of 'flat'...not to mention I had a few drinks.

But I think what has me feeling 'flat' is it feels like 'ground hog day'...where the same patterns repeat over and over again, where 'I' get excited about wanting to help another, or others, and then the other or others, for whatever reason, are convinced (or so it seems), to back away.

So then it's like I end up getting excited for nothing.

I mean what is life?...life?, life is either someone helping us, or 'us' helping others, that's basically the joy of life, and or 'relationships'.

And just being a 'good' person, even just a generic good type of person, the need to 'help others' is in most, certainly in me.

No one has helped me with anything in years, so I figure why not 'I' try to help another or others I feel have potential.

To me that's normal, where as to not have the desire to socialize and help others is abnormal.

But the one thing abou this world that you absolutely cannot battle, no matter how tough, are things that DO NOT CONFRONT YOU....what I mean by that is gossip and whispers, you can't battle that, cause never given a chance to validate or verify confirm or deny.

And is what makes it so frustrating, I think people whisper about others to keep others under their control, I think it's about 'power' if you ask me.


Like with Corona, keep people fearful and you can control them...talk about this person, and don't have to worry about that person stealing friend from you or waking people up to solid realities.

Yet it annoys me cause those who whisper never help those they're whispering to, and is why their situation never changes.

'Oh, they only want to help you because of blah blah blah'...yet the person who suggests that, well they never help the person they whisper that to, but get jealous when another wants to.

I simply want what others want and need, and that is to be relevant, and to make a difference in this world while alive, and world can mean your family, some of your friends, or even to strangers in a good way.

World, doesn't have to mean the whole planet, rather can just be your sphere of invluence, no matter how big or small.

Today is one of those days I just wish I could delete from my own personal history.

Why?

I don't know...I mean I gave away $10.00 bills to homeless people, couples, families, on the streets, just random people I felt like being nice to.

Probably gave away a little under $100.00...out of sheer loneliness.

Not out of a pure heart, but rather out of a lonely heart.

And now...don't know how to feel about it, I'm sure the people I gave the money to were happy...I know they were...good for them...me, still the same, still lonely.

And now it's time for bed.

I end today feeling badgered and like a loser



Not really do to anyone else, but rather do to 'self', for only 'self' can really regulate 'mood' within.

But mood 'within' can and is often influenced by what goes on around you...I mean if even your pet dog or cat react to you, your affection or lack of, than why wouldn't 'I', do the same?

But I think humans actually probably look more down on me than their pet dog or cat or chicken or even horse.

To most humans I'm sure I'm a disease that shouldn't even be here, should of never been born.

But that aside, I'm still here, one day I won't be, but for now I am...I'm alive and here as such must analyze and try to make sense of 'why I'm here' and the world around me.

And I need to find someone to 'will' all my writings to, all my intellectual property to, maybe a University or maybe a single person?

I don't know, the thing about 'Willing' stuff to Universities is Universities will study 'you', and learn from you long after gone, but if 'will' your stuff to like a individual, what really would they do with it?, they'd bury you twice.

So ye, I may 'Will' my intellectual property to a University soon, I don't know.

Right now I just feel flat, defeated by self.

But one good thing about my current job situation is I always get to sleep in late, and I love that, cause it helps keep me healthy.

I mean there's nothing worse than having a bad day prior to work then having to wake up at like 5 am for work...



I don't know how people do it? to have to wake up when your body needs you to be in deep sleep while healing process occurs.

If awake during the hours of 3 am -7 am, your body cannot heal you correctly and when younger you may not notice but it will have a accumalitive effect on your health long term.

Anyways, speaking of bed, sleep and rest, I need some right now..even though I dread tomorrow.

Oh well, this unloved soul is about to go to bed.