It's not a bad spot, just a kind of distant from who I use to be, thought I wanted type of spot.
I mean it's Friday night, yet I'm totally content sitting at home, or in my space.
There was a time I lived only for Fridays and Saturdays and weekends, now, it's Friday night, the most electrifying day of the week, and here I sit at home, in me own space.
I don't even want to meet anyone anymore, don't even have that desire anymore.
I mean am I done living?
It's not normal to not want to go out, when a lone, and meet or mingle with others, but I do not.
I already know I can dress up and look 'night-ish', but that doesn't even appeal to me.
Social isolation tends to do that to you I guess.
You don't have 10 friends bugging you to go out, to go here, to meet this person, that person.
If I did or could go anywhere right now, the only place I'd feel like going is onto some misty beach on the Oregon Coast, that probably only exists in my mind, and stand there looking down at the medieval waves crashing onto the shore.
I'd like to go hand gliding off such a cliff at night, while soaring over the moonlit ocean and nearby town.
That would be my idea of a fun evening right about now.
In a odd spot again, some where between content, happy, and a bit relieved, but not fully of each.
Yesterday night, all weekend, a dreaded today, but today worked itself out.
It just did some how...I kept going forward, and the day just worked itself out.
Worried all weekend for nothing I suppose, you would think after a while we'd learn not to worry, it's so easy to tell others not to worry, but hard to tell self not to worry.
Sometimes I think I've forgotten how to be happy and relax.
I use to know how, use to know how it felt to actually anticipate tomorrow, use to keep calendar and mark days off in anticipation for ect, vacation, school letting out, date, and so forth.
When younger the future seemed a lot friendlier.
Amazing how a alligator, lobster, shark, can live so long yet never think a few minutes, or maybe seconds past it's current existence.
They never think about tomorrow, or what just occurred 10 seconds earlier.
And is why they, animals, don't start wars, or hold grudges, or seek revenge, at least not that we know.
Elephants do, I mean sure animals can remember things on sight, but when that thing is out of sight, they don't 'worry' about it.
Then again maybe not, I do know dogs often anticipate their owners arrival.
Anyways, I guess part of the privilege of being human is being able to take in more while alive.
But none of it matters a pile of beans if when dead there's nothing to go onto.
If dogs black out at death, and humans do also, than really there's no difference.
I mean if there's no after life for man, than man is no more special than a turtle, and it won't have mattered a pile of beans that man was more intelligent than a horse, if in the end there's nothing.
1. Job just changed schedule, so much so don't want to work there anymore.
2. Haven't quite saved up enough money to feel comfortable making a move
3. New people just moved in next door, don't know if they'll be loud or what, cause loud will drive me insane and make things even worse.
I'm just tired of bending my life for certain jobs, as if management is 'gods', they are not my gods, nor is their 'will' once their 'will' begins to effect my physical and mental health, status and vitality.
I don't wake up to serve anyone, let alone corporate management types.
Yes, of course I need a income, but unlike others, I do have limits on how my labor is used, at this stage of life and work history.
I know what makes me happy, and I have zero reason to work a schedule that I know will further isolate me, and have a toll on my health.
Just not a overnight type, the time to sleep is from 3-7 am, jobs where you're awake and plow through those hours, well look at how quickly such people age, and see how they'll look when near retirenment age, if they even make it that long.
My health comes first, not some paycheck..
So yes, I'm a bit stressed right now cause I already know I'm going to quit...and people I work for told us they'd understand if some left because new schedule is not what we signed up for, it changed suddenly do to people way way up the ladder of control.
Bottom line..'Make more money for us!', they say up top, run this dangerous overnight schedule, who cares what effects it'll have on your health'..they say.
To them, people like me aren't even alive, we're just dots, small tiny dots born to serve them.
Well not me, sorry, but not born to serve anyone, not anymore, older and wiser now.
And will not work a schedule or job that I already know will hurt my health by forcing me to work while I should be sleeping and body healing.
I hope this company goes on to earn trillions of dollars, I could care the less...I just want my proper rest.
I think what I really need is like a whole month off, for some reason I usually get healthier when not working than when working...cause I start working out again on regular basis, and for other reasons, I always just get both physically and mentally healthier and happier when off for long periods of time.