Depression, and the many layers of...

As this day ends, I kind of feel defeated.

I think it's just do to that after drinking to hard the previous night effect.

Not sure what the allure of drinking is, it's a depressant, yet sucks some of us in at times, like being sucked back into a bad relationship.

And then when down do to drinking, it's like you want to drink more to forget you're feeling down.

But lately I've been sober way way more than I've been drunk or drinking, so that's the good news for me.

None the less though, I messed up, was feeling lonely the other day, and just needed booze to take that lonely feeling away.

Had no one to hug me, no friend to talk to, no one, it was just a awful feeling to have.

I work for the next 3 days, that's usually when I break any drinking streak I happen to be on, then by the end of the long 3 days of work, no longer thinking about alcohol.

But just depends, is why always need to clear place of all booze before the end of my work week, cause if it's still sitting around, one moment of temptation is all it takes.

Somethings got me down, I can tell.

Cause when talking to clerk up at corner store, I'm normally just full of optimistic inner energy, this time I really wasn't.

I had energy, but the optimistic yahoo cheer just wasn't there, I could tell.

I doubt they could, but I could.

Instead, what I really felt like doing was putting my head down and sobbing over life.

They couldn't see that, but that's how I felt.

Parasites living inside your body may be what's causing your so much pain

I'm here, but not really happy, I'm lacking that 'Oh, I'm just so happy' mode of mind or feeling.

Don't get me wrong, I realize happiness like that just doesn't occur in a vaccum, there needs to be many factors in your life all working together to bring about that feeling or state of mind.

Actually, most of us only operating on about 3-5 cycinders as it is, on a V-8, yet still manage to do OK.

Happiness takes a lot of things all coming together at once to make you feel loved, accomplished, satisfied and more.

Having goals, hobbies, even competition, all help to bring about a level of happiness, and or simply not drinking or doing drugs, can also make ya feel happier when you know how bad you felt when ya did them.

But again, I'm not depressed or anything, but nor am I joyful right no either, I'm just here, but here is not to bad considering yesterday I felt souless do to the effects of the previous days drinking, and just a few beers at that, but it sure did throw me against the wall.

Post alcohol based depression, that's how I feel today....although not sure you can call it depression, rather it's more like a dumpy mood, directly related to drinking last night and into the morning.

Beer, I can handle OK, but just had to add some Jim Bean to the mix, and barely any at all, like maybe 5 or 6 swigs from on of those real small half pinto plastic bottles...but I guess that's all it took.

And then I got wild on the phone, called P- departments and made a fool out of myself.

And now today is here and I feel really dumpy, but at least I'm not working today, but will tomorrow.

And it's raining out, and on my 'to do list', it has me going to the corner store next.
Which means I have to get dressed and groom...and when in the mood I'm in, even getting dressed and groomed can seem like a daunting task.

i just feel that nothing grand, big and good will ever happen to me for the rest of my life.

I know something is different within me than say, 3 months ago, I'm just different.
I've evolved.

Maybe cause bodies still changing?
Bodies always changing, even as we age, the body never stops changing.

Like I use to genuinely enjoy getting drunk, I'd get silly, have fun with self, but now, not so much.

I no longer dress up and act sill and take pics of self, like I use to so enjoy doing.
Maybe cause as of late my theatrical antics are focused other places?

I just don't know.

A few months ago I was at the healthiest, lightest weight I'd been in years, then it's like slowly I just started tearing away at my own health, my good looks that came from being healthy, my sharp mind that came from not drinking, it's like I just started slowly tearing self down again by drinking.
A little at first, then a lot.

Sometimes when you're healthy, you fool yourself into thinking you can handle beer again or booze...not true.

Alcohol has a gravity affect, like a black hole in space effect.
It takes a little bit of you at first, but eventually it's not happy until it's consumed the all of you and sucked you into a hole of despair, the same way drugs do, I suppose.



I just know I have to snap self out of this destructive path, I have to, cause if I don't no one else will.