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Post by X factor on Jan 8, 2024 13:34:24 GMT -5
I feel like something bad is happening to me, in that it's like I've given up, which is affecting my behavior.
Mainly drinking, which creates issues all within itself.
It's like I just don't have hope anymore that things will get better (my version of better anyways)
Solution?
I don't know, just stay busy, I suppose; I think only fate knows the solution, and only time will reveal what that is.
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Post by X factor on Jan 18, 2024 0:30:31 GMT -5
Totally in a physiological pit right now, hasn't been this bad in a long while.
Working tomorrow will possibly snap me out of it for a while, only cause the duties of work can often be a nessisary distraction from personal percieved wohs.
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Post by X factor on Jan 29, 2024 20:35:16 GMT -5
Lately, I don't always feel so happy Lately, I don't always feel so happy, it's like ugly reality is beginning to close in on me. Not sure what to do about it, the world is or can be viscious when you don't have resorces. I've gotten comfortable to just living, and being left alone, for the last decade or so, and no, do to the cost of living, well, who knows. Life just doesn't stop and stand still for anyone. I have so failed to get out and make new social contacts, friends, anything. And now I'm reaping that, big time...I basically have no one, other than a few text type of friends. But text friends are the types you never really hang around with. Oh well, no ones going to feel sorry for me, or care if I fall, get depressed, whatever, I'm pretty much already dead to the world. That being said, at least I'm still alive on here and posting goofy, moving, posts.
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Post by X factor on Feb 16, 2024 23:48:58 GMT -5
What do you do when sadness sets in?
A sense of just being overwhelmed, overpowered by bad fortune?
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Post by X factor on Apr 25, 2024 7:18:20 GMT -5
I don't feel as joyous or happy as I thought I would right now.
Stress, I've unnecessarily stressed myself out by trying to get into film and production.
I've unnecessarily chosen to stress myself out, at an older age, at that.
Not a wise move on my part.
That, and I must cut drinking out.
Drinking and stress don't go good together...that's when your heart starts getting weak.
Anyways, a few more minutes of rest, then the hectic day must begin.
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Post by X factor on Jul 1, 2024 20:31:43 GMT -5
I feel like I'm emerging from hell, after yesterdays drinking I literally feel like I'm crawling out of hell, a place I feel I've been since all of today do to my drinking yesterday night. It's like I literally get possessed when I drink, and a spirit comes out of me and guides me to do and say things that when sober I would not. And or even go certain places that I doubt I'd go if sober, as in a LGBTQ club. I went to one last night...nothing happened, didn't even really meet anyone, and was there for less than 15 minutes, but the fact that I went, is what's so eerie to me. Cause bad things happen when you leave the sanctuary of your own home, for sure, especially when in party mode....you say stupid things, people take things the wrong way, violence can occur, or you can get in a wreck and more. Prior to yesterday I was doing so well...and most of yesterday, until around 4 pm, when I started drinking beer...shame on me...I was sober for the previous 6 days. I didn't even answer the phone today, didn't go into the 'studio' to learn anything, ignored my so called instructor, all because I drank to much yesterday. Again, shame on me, and today I've been sealed off from the world, and phone is still off. Hell has had a hold of me all day long...but I'll rebound, I garuntee you that....and lessons will have been learned, for sure...hopefully anyways.
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Post by X factor on Jul 7, 2024 22:45:46 GMT -5
For some reason, schedules make me feel depressed.
The idea of having to be some place in the future just makes me feel like I'm not free.
I hate schedules, always have.
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Post by X factor on Aug 1, 2024 12:07:03 GMT -5
Cleaning over the age of 50 I've been in an emotional energetic lull over the last few days, so I decided to clean and straighten up the place, thinking it would help boost my mood...so far it hasn't worked, I still feel emotionally flat and unmotivated and almost hopeless that anything will work out. Not even coffee is helping...hmm. I did drink on Friday night, or maybe it was Saturday, no Sunday, I did drink on Sunday, or maybe it was Monday, I don't know, I forget...either way, I had about 7 cans of beer, on Monday, and I don't think that could be the cause of my emotional lull, it has to be something else effecting my mood or a bunch of little stuff, maybe future worry about my finances, and living situation. I don't know, in the past I'd just drink right now and so it wouldn't matter, but now that moving away from drinking I'm forced to deal with my moods and all their complexities. ------------------------ The future is ugly, if not prepared for it, and even when you think you're prepared for it, it can still be ugly. So what now? Well, rents due today...just great, and so is my storage fee, just great. Everything is always grabbing at your resources... I haven't worked in months, and loving it, but I know this honeymoon will end soon, come crashing down, in, in a violent way. Changes will have to be made...but at my age, do I really want change anymore? Well, when poor, your options are limited, that's just how it is...when poor, you really haven't a say in much. Either you gotta go back and work some mindless manual job, or live homeless or live in some ran down community, which can be worse than being homeless at times.
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Post by X factor on Sept 5, 2024 16:12:20 GMT -5
Not sure why I feel so defeated today.  Not sure why I feel so defeated today, I just do. |
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Post by X factor on Sept 21, 2024 9:04:09 GMT -5
It's one thing to let yourself down, it's another thing when you start feeling like you're letting others down as well.
But I think those I feel I could be letting down, never ever cared about me anyways, and never will...so what's it really matter.
I'm on my own, have been for decades.
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Post by X factor on Sept 21, 2024 9:06:53 GMT -5
Working out and staying in shape is one way to stem off depression.
I may go workout soon.
I just got up out of bed, so may just make working out the first thing I do today...shock the system, surprise the system, being myself.
Get the blood flowing, sweat out the toxins and give my mind something else to focus on.
Yep, I think I'll load up my bike and go workout here very soon.
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Post by X factor on Sept 21, 2024 11:49:58 GMT -5
Well, I did workout, glad I did.
What I do is I'll place bike in cab of older p/u truck, then drive further out to more remote area, then go riding...that way I'm taking in new scenerio in less conjested areas.
Warehouse areas are nice places to ride a bike or walk on the weekends cause no one's there, and it's just wide open roads and space.
That aside, I do have stuff I need to get done today, stuff related to my future...my screenplay future, I hope.
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Post by X factor on Oct 8, 2024 19:44:47 GMT -5
I feel like I'm basically doomed.
Doomed can mean different things to different people.
To me, at this stage of my life, being doomed is that day I finally realize and recognize that none of my aspirations or dreams will come true...and that all that blabbering 'We all have a purpose' stuff, just never applied to me.
I have no purpose, other than the money I spend.
I matter to no one, haven't for decades.
I'm just here, fooling myself, convincing myself that there's more, that I was meant for more..yeah, OK.
Also, being alone will give you a different perspective about others, yourself, God, nation, society and more, that when always with someone or romantically paired, you don't get.
Don't get me wrong, I'd much rather be in a healthy relationship with another, paired, and not know what I know now, than to know what I know now and be alone.
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And that aside, truth is, is that if I haven't gotten it right by now, I never will...that's the fact Jack.
But of course, I can't allow myself to feel that way or I'd emotionally crumble, crack, so like most, I continue to feed myself a hopeful dream, just as a way of keeping my moral up.
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Post by X factor on Oct 18, 2024 16:50:20 GMT -5
Reality can really bit hard at times  Reality, at least mine, can really bite hard at times. I guess some people can have very good pleasant realities, or we all can, at times, I suppose. But then there are other times when our own personal realities absolutely and totally suck and bite, as I feel mine kind of does right now. I guess it depends on what you want, wanted out of life, and what you expected of yourself to get you there. Some people do get more breaks than others, and other people, well, no breaks, just bites, big chunks of reality takes big chunky bites out of your behind. All one can really do is write about it as a way of relieving built of anxiety. And 'Time' also sucks, when reality sucks, so does time, which simply delivers you more of the reality that keeps biting. Oh well, what can you do about it.
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Post by X factor on Oct 24, 2024 22:30:04 GMT -5
Going through a bit of a post drinking depression right now.
I drank, don't want to say hard, but had many cans of beer yesterday night, and said some things, texted some things, that I now feel embarrassed and or even ashamed of, and that feeling has lingered in me all day long, not to mention the usual effects of having a hang over.
Although hang overs feel different as you age, with me it's more of a mood hang over and or a combo of many or a few physiological reactions.
I can usually recover more quickly, in that I happen to be in OK shape, exercise daily, which makes it worse at times, cause when you feel healthy and fit, you, or I, tend to think I can drink more...but that's not true at all.
Also, because I'm going through a post drinking emotional slump, I don't really know what my true mood is...I won't for a few more days once the booze wears off and I forget about last night and early morning today.
Time has a way of healing all, the more time separates you from a bad moment or event, the less you dwell on it, until finally it doesn't even register with you emotionally anymore....unless a truly bad event.
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And while riding bike today, got a flat tire, so had to walk like 3 miles or so to get back home.
I bike just about daily, so I'm going to have to get that tire fixed real soon, maybe tomorrow, if can find a decent bike shop, or may have to change the tire myself.
Why even have air filled tires on bikes anymore, why not just like solid foam or something, like fill the outer layer of tire with foam, that way a simply tac can't deflate it.
Anyways, not feeling any better, not even after writing this...that gloomy mood is still lingering.
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