Depression, and the many layers of...

Beyond depression

There are levels are depths beyond depression even.

When one is depressed they still have emotions.

Beyond depression is when you realize no one even cares that you're depressed, when you realize you're in it alone, like being stranded on a planet with no phone.

So after a while emotion don't matter since there's no one to pick up on that emotion.

Emotions are meant to relay to other living beings, but if there's no living beings, emotion serves no purpose.

Feeling isolated can bring about these state, when one realizes even having emotions does no good cause you're like dead to most around you, cut off, living but socially cut off.

Then add to that being in an environment that totally works against your natural talent and skills.

Maybe 'foreign' is a better way to describe that...being foreign to everyone and everyone being foreign to you.

Then all emotion is turned inward.

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Energy is all any of us really have, which comes through food.

But energy wasted is like working in a death camp.

And sometimes one can get that death camp feeling, like just pounding rocks just to pound rocks.

You owe more than the energy output in body can generate, in that the value of your labor just is never enough to satisfy those running the death camp.

And symbolically that death camp can be different things, depending on what person is going through.

Different things death camp can represent.

1. Society
a. Bills
b. debt
c. taxes
d. repairs one can't afford

2. Relationship where person always puts you down no matter what.

3. Illness

4. A God you feel you can never satisfy

5. High rent, mortgage

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Normally friends, family, offset the above, gives one relief from above, but if one has no friends, no relatable family, there is no relief or offset.

So being depressed does no good since there's no one to pick up on that depression, or even care if you were depressed.

So then one becomes 'Spock' like, and just shuts down all emotion as a way of coping.

In the vacuum outside of family and friends raised around, you begin to realize unless very young and cute, or a animal, as in some ones pet dog or cat or horse, that you could bleed out right on the street, and people would just step right over you.

Then you begin to see how false everything is, how false others are, how conditional others are.

One begins to see all these things in the vacuum of isolation.

That more people fear you than love or like you....even though never ever done anything civicly wrong.

That perception is much stronger than reality.

And that perception can never be calibrated, a billion different people all have a billion different perceptions about life, and yourself.

who you are, really are, doesn't matter, it's how others perceive you based on events prior in their life that you had nothing to do with.

Then you're like 'This is man?'

Then you realize most every ones mentally ill, and that you must play be the rules of the mentally ill, and insane, who have been given power, taken power, to run and control things.

Totally bored right now, sometimes I wonder if boredom is a symptom of depression.

There's always stuff that can be done, boredom simply means one is not motivated to do them, and the question is why?

And it's the 'why?' that possibly relates some types of boredom with depression.

Being bored of an activity is one thing, but lack of motivation to even begin activities is another.

I observe optimism spurns activity... where as boredom is preceded by 'Oh what's the use?..

A feeling that all you're doing is wasting time, but not getting anywhere.
Of course that kind of thinking can be destructive, but it occurs.

Example: 'Why should I clean up room when it will just get junky again? and I'll still be broke'

When one stops feeling like the things they do matter beyond simple movement, that can be a sigh of depression.

When one is motivated, those same tasks simply clear the path for better things.

Everyone goes through these mental cycles, the difference is how long they persist, hours, days, weeks or years.

not sure if this is best place for this post but tomorrow is looming over me like a dragon right now.



And right now I hate tomorrow and everything it represents, basically problems I can't solve or don't really want to.

The complexities of modern society can be a real drag at time.

You get to a point where you just want to be left alone, not bothered, to just live free and roam, like a animal, or in one place on some land and just be left the hell alone and to not be forced to be apart of any broader society where forced to do things you just don't want to anymore.

I'd be content spending the rest of my life in a high mountain tribe somewhere.

No bills, no employment, no traffic, can drink from river, free to hike, explore and to imagine.

I'd much prefer that than just being a wage slave until dead or to old and sick to work.

Taking the day off, but not going to be a fun day at all.

Everywhere I got to go involves forking over money, money you work hard and sweat for, handed over in big chunks, it's depressing.

Taxes, repairs and other stuff, it's like income just can't keep up with the expenses of life.

So sometimes makes you want to go into a emotional, reality bubble or vacuum.

Where you just accept the fact that the system is rigged, and so learn to focus on other things outside of income or saved money, and live like a dog, day to day.

Depression is feeling that nothing you do, can change the out come of the day in a positive way.

You just feel like meat, simply being used for your resources, and outside of the resources you have no value at all to society or anyone else.

Depression is going through the day feeling that no one is interested or vested in your emotional well being or fiscal well being, that you're just an object, like a tree or something.

The people closest to you will be the last to notice your depression

Sad how that works, in that the people closest to you, be it friends, family and or co-workers, are the last to notice your depression, if even then.

And in fact the people closest to you, be it friends, family, co-workers will see your mood change as a fault, or attention getting scheme.

How ever they see it, they will most likely turn it into a negative, and is why people have learned to hide their mood changes, personality changes, around those deemed close to them.

Reality is, most people in this world, around you, are cold and out for self, and will see anything you do as a scheme to draw attention away from 'them' and 'their own emotional or physical needs'.

Examples

If you act depressed around your siblings, brothers or sisters, they'll see you as being lazy, shiftless, and self centered.

If you act depressed around co-workers, they'll interpit it as you not wanting to hold your shift, or duties, they'll see it as a way of you passing work load onto them.

And or if you act depressed, unmotivated around spouse, that can be the worst at times, in that they'll use it as a knife to jab you with, to over inflate all your faults (in their eyes).

All they'll do is blame, blame and more blame, as most spousal fights go.

Your spouse is often the least understanding person when it comes to own personal issues, to go to or reside in.

That's sad, but true, unless truly blessed and matched well with some one with the capacity to separate 'marriage' from the 'still' realization that everyone is still a unique being with own motivators, that effect that person outside of ones own personal need for them.

When we need someone one, we sometimes selfishly need, want, that person to always behave in a supernatural or super hero type of manner for our own selfish needs.

hobbits often take this attitude towards their parents, and why many hobbits can become blind to parents own psychological needs and vulnerabilities.

Life is competitive, and being 'sick', yes even being sick and in need of help, is often seen by others as strategy.

Weird but true.

The sickest person in the room gets all the attention and help.

As such many cry wolf and play sick when really they are not, as such when one may really be mentally disturbed or depressed, others may see it as simply a 'cry wolf' strategy, to get boss off of your, or to garner attention and or sympathy.

It's why all these mass shooters are able to slip through the cracks, cause the people closest to them just see their lead up behavior as being an attention garnering maneuver, rather than a symptom of something else.

Example

'Oh there goes Ted again acting stupid, what a show off'

or

'There goes Jane again, what a show off, why is she putting on so much make-up'

or

'Kevin is so lazy, they called in sick again today'

When people are sick or depressed, we've been trained to see it as an insult to our own personal needs.

We all want the attention on ourselves.

I'm talking healthy people, even healthy people want all the attention and focus on self, that to acknowledge that there may be others genuinely sick and in need, takes away from self interest.

The day is here but I really don't want to deal with it, it involves nothing fun to me right now.

It really involves making believe that some how anything I do today will lead to eventual success, but it won't.

We tell ourselves this lie every day.

This idea that things are going to get better, but they don't.

More things simply go wrong than right so always in a deficit.

Seems if fate wanted you to be a millionaire or success you'd already be one.

I guess in a odd way a lot of things read in new testament of the bible kind of make sense now.

Especially that one area that says 'why store up worldly good and treasures when they'll all rot away'.

And goes on about storing treasures in 'Heaven' by serving the God of salvation.

The bible was right about how focusing on wordly things always leads to a dead end and a feeling of emptiness.

But it's hard to not do that when worldly things and this world is all one knows.

I guess I can see where blind faith in a God you think is specifically looking out for you can be comforting and provide a mental shield to reality.

If one convinces self that the most powerful being in the created Universe takes special interest in them, that in and of itself is medicine.

You have to convince yourself that out of billions and billions of people this Majestic being only notices you, and specifically wants you to do well, even though others are starving else where.

That does take faith, but those under that spell or gift do seem to float through the day easier.

I mean whatever works works.

I want there to be a God to, a nice one.