Depression, and the many layers of...

Not really depressed, but nor am I as happy as I feel I should be, certain things are going well, but then there's always other things to offset the things that are going well, and right now I don't know where my thoughts should land, even tried drinking a bit today, and not even that worked, just like barely one can of bear and it had like zero effect, as if body is just done with alcohol or something.

Happiness is a combo of things in and around your life that align, the more things that align, usually the happier you are and vice versa.

You may get a wonderful new job, but you still have same lousy neighbor, or you may have wonderful neighbor, but have lousy job.

Very few people have lives where everything aligns just right, very few.

Then there's always health, always health, either in pain, do to nerve damage, back aches, migranes, or always sick with a cold, allergies, or have disease like cancer or diabetes or dozens of other things.

Seems the moment, that time, while alive, when all is aligned just right is so fleeting, it may have been while in school, maybe during early years of marriage, you just never know, cause we don't appreciate those times when we live them cause have nothing bad to compare with yet.

But if I could go back in time, I'd go back to my sophomore year in college, I think that's the life changing year for many, when a sophomore in high school, that's when you need to decide your future and aim for it.

Sure there's other chances, but while a sophomore in high school you still have the cushion of living at home and not paying rent.

But then again, if living in squalor, like in the hood or some opiod filled rural farm town, then it could be different when home.

I don't know, either way I just wish I could go back, I'd make smarter decisions from the people I hung around, to the women I did or did not date to even sports in high school, which could of been a spring board to riches.

Heck, I even finally received stimilous check today, and was like 'Ye, so what', cause in the over all scheme of things it's only barely over one months rent, then gone again, not even sure if I'll cash it right away, have no reason to yet.

And I start a new job in a few days, maybe that will help my mood once get back into the grove of things and then can appreciate time off again.

And I heard on the radio that some employees are asking to not be hired back cause they're earning more at home, what a shame.

But I don't shame the Government, I actually shame the companies who pay people so little for their limited time on this earth and limited health.

Working costs a lot of money, I mean I've saved around $400 dollars in two months just by staying home and not getting up and out daily....it costs money to work to be out there for 8-14 hours, cause you gotta eat, and you can't pack nothing that lasts that long, so end up spending money on junk food...it's also why I've lost weight since being out, cause not around junk food all day long.

For all intensive purposes I should be happier than I am not, but I'm just not, maybe do to chemical imbalance, who knows.

Oh well...it is what it is.

Damp mood right now

Not really a depressed mood, but rather a 'damp' mood, low enthusiasm right now for a few reasons.

1. volunteered to work Sunday, on my usual day off, cause other person either got fired or just quit, but stupid me just had to check the phone.
As such, having to work kind of takes away what I was planning to do that day, and because it's a night shift, than have to pretty much sleep all day, so weekend blown, but will make decent money cause of it, but at my stage in life, what's money?...I mean unless 1 gran or more, does it really matter?

2. Those around me never help me out with any of my goals, plans or dreams, all they do is agree with whatever mood I'm in.

True friends are people who don't just agree with whatever mood you're in do to failing at something, but rather true friends or even family, actually help out, and help to change your mood by helping you engineer a positive outcome.

A blocker on a NFL team doesn't just watch the QB get tackled, and then when the QB says 'Wow, that was a tough hit', the Blocker responds 'Yep, sure was'...



But seems I have the terrible luck of always only seeming to attract people to my life who like to observe, but never actually offer to help out with anything, as such years get wasted in effort, and all they do is always agree with your frustration rather than ending your frustration by actually helping you out when you need it, and they're to stupid, 'bent', insecure, whatever, to realize that if you 'make it', so will they.

Their frail insecurities won't let them see that far.

People who get ahead have people who actually get involved with them, their ideas, and help out, and yes that could even mean fiscal support at times, what inventor or new business or ext doesn't need that?...name one?

Always surrounded by 'duds'....people who observe, but never help.

Time to lay down and take another nap, as today's shot to since gotta work later.

And if I do have any more purpose, I'm done trying to find it, it will have to find me.

What is happiness as you get older?

Kind of a dumb question I suppose, or is it?

I mean why do millionaires commit suicide?, sometimes even billionaires..

Yet someone living in a rural country town in 3 bedroom shack can be happy as heck on a cool summer day.

And does happiness change as we change?

I mean what made one happy at age 10, does it still make one happy at age 50?

So what is happiness?

I don't think that question can ever be properly answered.

I do know happiness is not being scared all the time, but being scared some times can be exilerating as in roller coaster ride, as in watching a scary movie, but those are both controlled out comes.

When we don't know the outcome, it can be a lot different.

I know what thing that does make me happy, regardless of age or era is 'completion', when I feel I've completed a task, or assignment or whatever.

The feeling of completion does make me feel happy, at least at that moment.

When I leave my place, I do know I'm happier when place is clean, kitchen is clean, than when I leave and stuff all out of order.

So for the sake of this short post, I'll say 'completion' is what makes me happy for that particulary moment.

Have to go back to work tonight, so trying to sleep during the day is not the easiest of things to do, instead just end up laying in bed, and then thoughts from the past fill your head, some happy, but many depressing.

The 'why I didn't do this?', or 'should of done that', type of thoughts.

The 'what if's', type of thoughts can ruin your day or moment.

So many 'what if's'.

Sometimes I wonder if a short meaningful life better than a long casual one?

Who knows.

Depression sleep

Right now doing the depression sleep, where I reverse awake time with sleep time.

Like right now, this awake time, while typing this, I'm simply taking a nap from sleeping.

When done will wake up into dreams again, which have more meaning to me than being awake.

So it's flipped.

Being awake is more like the bad dream, and when asleep, that's more like the happy reality or realities.

I just need a reset that's all.

When you leave the home, so many variables beyond your control, like things already set into place, like props put there just for you...people props, and more.

Stupid drivers who seemed to been timed just perfectly to frustrate your drive.

I mean think about it, there are those right now, who well encounter 'out there' on the road, in a store, that everything they're doing now is timed perfectly so that you'll have that split second encounter 'out there', which will either be good, nuetral or bad.

That reckless drunk driver of the future, what are they doing right now?, and who's life are they destined to ruin by crashing into their vehicle?

If psychics were real, that's what they'd tell people, they'd tell people 'collision' points to avoid in life, or throughout the day.

Example 'Avoid being at Cosco store at 4 pm, cause person there, destined to mess up your life, will drop a bottle of oil on your clothing.

Instead fake psychics spend their time telling you stuff about yourself you already know to be true.

I no longer attend church, but at least the bible doesn't pretend human nature is good, where as mediums, and psychics flatter their customers by only pointing out good points in them, thus if a evil person goes to a psychic, that evil person never changes or feels they need to cause it's always 'those other people that are bad'.


Anyways, I need to wake up from this dream and go back to sleep.

I feel 'flat' right now, deflated, not motivated, even though nice sunny evening.