I mean who has it better in the end...the person who dies of stage 4 brain cancer or the person who dies suddenly of drug overdose, who doesn't even realize they're dying, but rather never wakes up?
15 second death process vs a 4-6 month death process with pain involved?
Stuff like that hard to analyze cause the drug addict usually does suffer pain, while alive, but in different ways, as in destroyed life.
I think that's what 'Dr Kovorkian' was around for years ago 'assisted suicide' unofficial doctor, I wonder if that trend will come back where medical doctors assist those who just don't want to ride it out until the end.
Or maybe it's still here, and maybe Dr Kovorkian was just more public about it than others.
I mean we only hear when wealthy famous people die while surrounded by 'Loved one' and in a Mansion, but what of all the poor people who die on the streets, while homeless, and while living in a tent, with no one around, and no medical help, no nothing.
It happens a lot actually, not everyone can afford million dollar treatments, and not every has 'family and friends' around for them till the end.
Ye, for the fun of it I called one of those 'Depression help lines'...
And well, it's like I new more than they did about the condition of man, when in that depressesed state of mind...so what you have to end up doing is pretending that you're more dumb than the person on the phone, as to not bruise their ego.
To them it's a 'job' and not a reality.
They see you as someone who needs to be 'referred' to this number or that number, rather than realizing all you want is for someone to listen and care....they don't get that or lack the capacity to understand that concept.
Now if you're use to being ushered around by the medical apparatus and like feeling 'ill', than maybe that craps for you.
Like if you think yourself as being 'cute'...you know, like the posters you see of depressed people, they're always of some younger 19 yr old gal sitting in hallway all alone.
Now if you're some cute 19 year old gal depressed cause you didn't get invited to a dance, than yes, maybe those depression hotlines for you....cause councilors prefer talking to you if they, in their minds, think you're young, cute and cuddly, then of course they perk up.
But if you're some 'creature' outside their realm, you'll actually make them nervious and force them to think even about their own path in life.
And I think that maybe I was that 'creature' to them, that creature they're not trained to deal with.
Basically people don't want to help you unless you're young, dumb and cute, to them...and unless they perceive themselves as being superior to you in intellect, so that their 'training' will be relevant to them....but when they encounter someone or 'something' outside of their training, they blank out.
It's not like in the movies where you have some young up and coming scientist eager to learn more than they know...real life isn't really like that.
In real life most people are very puny, small and frail on the inside and if challenged, they recoil and run away.
If ever alone and depressed, I certainly wouldn't call those professional or 'free' depression hotline type places, cause it'll make you feel worse later when you realize life so empty, the only person that would listen is someone paid to do so who's following like protocol on 4x6 card, and goes down list asking you questions while looking at clock to see when their shift ends.
Not only that, but unless you sound, physically sound 'girly' or 'sissy', or some one who is 'cute' in their mind, they could care the less about your state of being or where you're going.
People form visuals of who they think they're helping, and most want you to be 'cuddly', so they can feel like your hero, but only if you're cute and they can dominate you both physically or mentally.
They want your name to be 'Sarah' or 'Sally' or even 'Sam'...and they want you to be this small thing, sitting on the floor body and legs tucked into self with nice youthful flowing hair.
Now if you're that, than to them you're worth saving, going the extra mile to convince you're 'some body'...cause you could be their son or daughter or niece ect.
But if you don't fit that template, forget about it, and don't waste your time calling any help line cause you'll just feel worse afterwards.
You'll just be tossed around from number to number, just like calling AT&T customer service or something.
In their minds if you're not young, cute and cuddly, than you're not really worth saving.
So don't call unless young cute and cuddly.
But if they think you're 'black' or some older crusty 'W' dude, or anyone outside of their 'cute and cuddly' zone of care, forget about it...cause you'll just sense that they could give a crap about you, what your going through, your value to self ect, and they'll rush you off the phone quickly, so they can get their 'cute and cuddly' call in.
I don't have one right now, but do no help lines will make you feel worse unless society already values you.
When I get depressed, sometimes I just like to look at people soft pretty feets over and over again
I don't know, just something about human soft feet, looking at them, that makes me happy, and relaxed...
To me, I just equate soft feet with someone having a soft gentle 'sole'
Soft pretty feet, the shape of the human foot, when taken care of, one of the few things that still put me in 'awe' in this world I exist in...there's nothing like a person who takes care of their feet...to this day I'm amazed at such types.
Ever just have one of those 'OK, what am I doing with my life and time'?, moments
Well I kind of had a moment like that earlier where woke up, drank some water in the dark, and just sat on edge of bed.
I just sat there in the dark, lights off, and it felt like a 'OK, what are you doing with your life' type of moment.
It's like I went to bed or sleep at around 7 pm, woke up at around 10:45 pm, and there I sat, in the dark, on edge of bed feeling like 'nothing'.
And to be honest, I think I can blame that on the effects of drinking, the cycle of drinking.
A cycle I need to free myself from, but how.
Now I'm no heavy whino type drinker like you see in the movies, but I do drink enough, when off work, to where it usually occupies all my time off, in that most of the time, my 'off time' is to drink, cause I guess in my mind I assume that drinking will enhance my off time, and actually it doesn't, not anymore, maybe when younger it did, but not anymore and hasn't in a while, so why would I still drink?
I don't know, it really doesn't make sense, I guess for same reason people who smoke, smoke, even though really don't get the nicotine 'buzz' anymore, habit I guess, or this idea that it will be 'fun' again when actually, no it won't.
Drinking is, or was fun, when drink at an event, a designated event, as in a party or at a bar...(I guess)
But drinking at home by yourself just to drink, looses it's charm after a while, cause you're not really drinking to celebrate anything, you're just drinking to see how drunk you can get and silly you can get with yourself, and again, maybe that's fine when younger, but as you age, I don't think your body can handle that type of drinking as well, I know mine can't.
I think drinking to much, over time, depletes your body of 'happy minerals', so to speak, I mean after all I've always heard alcohol is a depressant.
With me though, all I do is stop drinking for 2-3 days and it's as if never drank at all, is how quick I rebound, mood and all, and that's the problem, cause as soon as feeling up and emotionally good so quick, I convince self that I can drink again...and so the cycle repeats.
But tonight, during the middle of my time off period, I just had a moment with self, as sat on edge of bed in the dark, and told self 'Hey, wise up pal'.
I must 'wise up' for sure if I want life to be purposeful going forward, cause living life through cans of beer is not purposeful at all.
We shall see.
I want my old optimistac nature back, when nothing could get me down, when always into something new and fun, to self.
If anything, alcohol takes me away from my true optimistic self.
We shall see.
Last Edit: Mar 30, 2021 0:11:56 GMT -5 by X factor
There's like a Monday, Tuesday, Wed, Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday monster or monsters that I have to face on a daily basis, actually seems more like a team of monsters that take different forms.
What does that really mean?
Challenges and failures I guess as well as disappointment and let downs.
When compare myself of others, of my age, as in social peers, at least the famous ones, I'm like what went wrong with me?
I'm often shocked to discover certain celebs are my same age that I just figured were older or even younger, but then I compare their life with my own and left feeling a bit stupified.
I mean like while they're pumping out albums or starring in major hit movies, what the hell am I doing other than rotting away as a 'nothing' and a 'nobody'.
It's just amazing how two people can be the same age, yet go down such different paths in life, one can become a successful athlete, the other can end up homeless being chased around by lustful street bums.