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Post by X factor on Dec 5, 2021 1:57:00 GMT -5
And when sober, the people I thought I wanted, needed, in my life, well when sober, I realize I want nothing to do with them.
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Post by X factor on Dec 5, 2021 1:59:53 GMT -5
There's one relationship in my life right now, that only redeveloped when I was drunk, but now that sober, I realize this person still the snake my instincts originally told me they were.
Not saying they're 'evil' per say compared to like criminal type of evil, but am saying they have a slimy nature. I ran away from that slimy nature once, and need to run away from that slimy nature again.
Now that sober, I'm not willing to just be all 'chummy' with anyone anymore.
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Post by X factor on Dec 5, 2021 18:26:23 GMT -5
This has got to be one of my most boring, dull, evenings I've had off in a very long time, and I'm sober.
Today has been like a day of doing a lot of little stuff, getting little stuff done, that, I guess needs to be done, or reviewed, checked out, but feels so god awful boring.
At least when drunk you can pretend you're having fun even when doing or engaged in boring as hell stuff.
I mean sure I've got energy, but there's just nothing to open me up wider...seems when drunk, your emotions just open up wider.
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Post by X factor on Dec 5, 2021 19:07:14 GMT -5
But see, in the past this would be prime time to get drunk, when bored and feeling flat, but now I'm like, even if get drunk, things are still flat, so why am I destroying body, to create some kind of illusion that things are fun and good, if really aren't?
Instead, I should be doing things that will actually make life fun, and actually give me something to celebrate rather than having to drink and get drunk and create some fake, temporary uphoric mood.
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Post by X factor on Dec 6, 2021 1:03:23 GMT -5
I don't know what's worse, to drink all day, or to snack all day, when not drinking, cause so use to swallowing stuff...
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Post by X factor on Dec 6, 2021 13:42:32 GMT -5
Also, being sober after use to drinking most of the time when off, shows me really how empty my life is, but drinking kind of masked the emptiness Yes, now that haven't drank in a while, I'm really seeing how utterly empty my life is, and how drinking simply helped me to mask that emptiness. Is that wrong?, I mean is it wrong to not want to feel 'void and null?', obviously not, but maybe drinking wasn't the best way to deal with that reality, instead should of went out into community and engaged in real life activities from volunteering to ect, but drinking kept me from wanting to do any of that, I'd start, but then drinking would just take the priority, cause when drinking could just focus on myself, and no one else, nothing else really mattered other than how I felt. Odd thing is, when around others is when I don't want to drink, when around others I want to be sober, but when alone, that's when I drink...interesting connection there.
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Post by X factor on Dec 7, 2021 16:32:07 GMT -5
There's way more to being healthy than simply not drinking
One thing I do know is that there's way more to being healthy than simply not drinking, and that's for sure.
If not healthy in other areas of your life, as in relationships, employment, ect, than just simply not drinking won't fix much.
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Post by X factor on Dec 11, 2021 20:34:59 GMT -5
It's Saturday night, I just got home from work, and guess what I did not do? I did not stop buy the store and buy any beer or booze! Yes! Am I going to have fun tonight and go out?...no Am I in the best mood ever?...no I'm just happy that it's Saturday night, and for the first time in a long time, I don't feel like I have to drink in order to sink into the evening, that means I'm really making progress towards sobriety, again. Not going to drink self silly for anyone anymore, and that 'anyone' exists in my mind...as I drink and get on social media and 'act out', for who? No one cares if I live or die, or kill myself slowly from drinking, so why do it anymore? Anyways, if now only the weight would come of quicker.
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Post by X factor on Dec 12, 2021 20:16:16 GMT -5
Still not drinking, came very close today though when calling person back.
1. I have to learn to not feel I need to be drunk or drinking in order to get into another or feel closer or laugh louder, that use to come naturally to me, thus I shouldn't need alcohol to artificially create utopic feelings inside of me towards others.
2. Even though have energy since not drinking, it feels like a flat type of energy, there's no 'thrust' to the energy, no enthusiasm or joy, it's like it's just flat energy with no pulse.
When a drink, I have pulse, forward motion, enthusiasm to the energy I do have.
Not sure why, and how long I have to wait for that natural 'pulse' or 'joy' to come back.
I mean if drinking steady for years, then just stop, I guess I can't expect all my natural feelings to come back in 2 weeks, cause brain probably has to reactivate old happy cells, or create newer ones, who knows, I just no even though sober, for now, I don't really feel any happier, even though energy level higher.
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Post by X factor on Dec 14, 2021 10:52:50 GMT -5
I gave in to alcohol yesterday evening and into the short night www.spreaker.com/episode/45957497I gave into alcohol yesterday evening, I don't know, just felt so emotionally flat yesterday evening, and got a call from someone, and still felt emotionally flat, so I began drinking to mice up the moment; did it work?, yes and no, sure I was miced up a bit, wrote some silly stuff on social media, texted some silly stuff as well, but other than that today is here and nothing has changed...I'm still the same 'flat' nobody today that I was yesterday and that I'll be tomorrow, and the day after that. I guess alcohol just allows me to forget I'm a flat no body, every now and then. Will I drink today? I don't know, I sure don't feel like it now that, I should go to the park and exercise, is what I really should do, get the blood flowing.
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Post by X factor on Dec 16, 2021 21:42:27 GMT -5
I can now feel the effects of not drinking as much and working out, finally paying off, I felt lighter on feet and legs today, awesome.
I did drink yesterday evening and into the night though, but the intervals of drinking have spread out big time, so now health and fitness able to get upper hand again.
Face is smoother to, at least to me, starting to lose that puffy 'I drink alcohol' face look, or face fat.
Seems face fat is the hardest fat to shed, and one of the last places body sheds fat from, but the gut and butt seem to reduce size at the same time.
Oh well, I'm older now, and still working, so can't really get super happy about anything anymore.
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Post by X factor on Dec 26, 2021 12:51:50 GMT -5
Even though not drinking last few days, energy level very low
Even though not drinking nearly as much lately, energy level is very low, I mean real low.
Not sure why.
Is it?
1. Not taking in as much sugar, cause alcohol has a lot of sugar in it, and since not drinking nearly as much was it the sugar in alcohol giving me fake energy?, and now that body doesn't have all that sugar constantly pouring in, body not sure how to compensate for that until natural balance occurs again?
2. Is it mental? is there something troubling me that I'm not dealing with, and is that what is draining me of all my energy?
3. Is it something in the environment? I know at my job, they switched to Natural Gas Energy, so is it do to fumes I'm breathing in at work? But if that were the case you'd think others would be complaining about it as well.
I mean physically I'm pretty fit, every day average fit, I still workout and all, sort of...I'm not fat.
So why do I feel so drained of energy lately I wonder?
Or maybe cause not eating enough food?
But how can I lose weight if always eating!
I don't know what it is, is it do to lack of love and affection from others or another?
I don't know.
Or am I under some kind of psychic spell?
Whatever it is, it's making me want to drink again today, cause one thing for sure, if drinking, I'll stop thinking about having no energy.
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Post by X factor on Dec 26, 2021 13:04:55 GMT -5
My appetite has been really low lately Yesterday ate like half a can of fish, ritz crackers, some pringels chips, and that was it for Xmas meal, and just lightely snacked rest of day. Apetite has been really low as of late, when at home and doing nothing. Maybe that's why energy level so low? Maybe we're told we should be thinner than we really should, I mean after all the only time you see a skinny animal in nature is when it's sick, so maybe fat does serve a purpose. But we're told by society that any sign of fat on the body is a bad sign. Maybe I need to go buy and eat a big fat steak? With lots of fat and grease and old school 1070's type of mices on it? I don't know. I just don't know, and I never go to the doctor, ever, other than for physical required by job. What's a doctor going to do for me? I mean if dying, I'm going to die, regardless, doctor no doctor, but at least if dying without a doctor I won't blow all my money before I die on medical stuff. If ever find out I'm dying, I keep a ___ ___ for that, it's that simple. But that aside. Where is my physical energy? I still have plenty of mental energy, as you can tell by my writing, but my physical energy, not there. Maybe I just need a change of environment, a force move. That's something I may actually start thinking about, I think I've gotten to comfortable living in one place to long, living around dead beat non social odd neighbors who never ever say hello. Jerks that they are, life killers that they are, no one asked them to move next to me. Anyways, need to get up and out for a bit.
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Post by X factor on Jan 2, 2022 13:54:59 GMT -5
Learning how to manage emotions when sober One of the hardest things I'm finding to do, now that drinking less, is managing my emotions and moods. When drunk all the time I didn't have to manage anything, let alone my moods, alcohol did all that. When drunk all the time, I didn't have time to notice whether I was happy or sad, alcohol took care of all that for me. When drunk, didn't matter that I was shy, alcohol took care of that as well. But now that drinking less, and spend more time being sober, I now have to learn how to manage and even interpret my feelings and emotions on my own again, and it can feel awkward at times. When drunk, I'll answer the phone, I don't care who calls, I'll answer it. When drunk, I'll check my text messages, no matter who are what it is, I'll check it. When sober, I don't want to be bothered, or feel burdened of the idea of checking anything, it's like I just don't want the imagined stress. It's like when sober, I'm fearful of the chaotic past catching up with me, or in my case more like a disorderly life catching up with me. When drunk, I could smile and dance when things went wrong around me, but when sober I just want to hide from it all. It's a struggle, that's for sure, not a devastating type struggle, but a struggle non the less to get ones emotions back in proper range after drinking for so long and then cutting way way back. And all the time, alcohol is saying to you 'Ahh, just come back, and let me solve all your issues again for you'...ye right.
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Post by X factor on Jan 9, 2022 9:33:41 GMT -5
Spilled a can of beer on table last night, thankfully long table and spilled far away from computer, cause that's how I lost my last computer is spilled a can of beer on keyboard.
I still miss that computer, had a disc drive and a ton of stuff on it that I can't retrieve, photos, old podcast shows and more.
Drinking is destructive in so many ways.
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