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Post by X factor on Jun 6, 2022 14:59:51 GMT -5
I'm really happy I turned around  I was on way to store to get some water, but then of course 'since out, why not get some beer or booze', says the mind. And in the past I would have, today almost did, but then something from within said 'Don't, don't blow the advances you've made in looks and health since stopped drinking regulalry'. And so I just did a u turn in route and bought some water and coffee instead. For most it's like 'ye, so what', but for me, and or others trying to escape the grip of alcohol, moments like that matter a lot. And for me, the last few weeks, drinking has been slippin g back into my life, do to mainly pain I was in, the pain made me feel miserable, so I'd drink, when off, to just distract me, but that's how it begins. And then soon, like today, you're drinking even when there's no pain (Well almost like today) I drank yesterday and the day before that, not saying I won't tomorrow, but today I said 'no'....even though my moral isn't the highest right now, but I said 'no'...cause have been down that road before.  Alcohol is a seductive trap for a reason, very much so, it pretends to be your friend when no one else will. But all drinking does is take you deep down into a dark pit, and turns the lights off. Alcohol first grabs your moral, then your mood, then your confidence, then it starts eating away at your health so that when you look in the mirror it just compounds the above. Cause now when fat or sickly, or have a ugly face, now you really do have a reason to feel depressed, and alcohol right there to aid and assist. --------------------------------- Well, you know what, since laid off the booze, I've lost tremendous weight (for me anyways, not that I was ever overly fat or overweight, but for me I lost considerable weight since already slender to begin with) Then my sharp facial features begin coming back, I begin looking good to self again, and feeling good all day long. Even after getting home from long day work, I didn't have that tired whiney look. And I could go on, the benefits of not drinking were paying off, but then small things begin to occur to chisel away at it, the pain, feeling alone, and other things. But you know what, I could of drank today, it would of been so darn easy to just drink and sink, sink away into blissful dispair, and pretend I'm having fun while drunk, but not this time, this time I will stay sober and face the music, no matter how ugly that music is, I will face it today.
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Post by X factor on Jun 6, 2022 15:17:26 GMT -5
I've come to far to suddenly stall and crash now  I've come to far to now suddenly stall and then crash, I've just come to far, the joy of stepping on the scale daily and seeing weight drop over night, the joy of having constant sustained energy, confidence as my stellar looks come back and more, now is no time for me to suddenly stall and throw it all away. Cause drinking is a hard habit to break, and the idea that you can dabble in it, and then just pull self back out of it is futile. Cause drinking is a mindset, it's the mindset that gets you, is the underlining issue behind the alcohol itself, it's the mindset. I felt what it was like to be actually happy again, actually happy and thrilled, I felt it for the first time in years, I want that back, that's worth fighting for to me. Again, all this is easier said than done, but it starts with one proper decision at a time. -------------------------------- Now here this, now here this. I know there are many out there who do drink regularly and live just fine lives, but I'm not one of them, cause when I drink I have to drink till drunk...every day when at it's worse. Yes, I get goofy, and seems like I'm having fun, but at what price? That price has been missed opportunity, laziness, moody when not drunk, embarrassment to myself, making a fool out of self on the phone and on social media, talking/calling people who I should not have and more. Not that some didn't deserve what I told them, but would rather tell people what I mean while and when sober. Anyways, on with the day. Nothing special will happen, I'll still be the same social outcast loser, but at least I won't be or get drunk, hopefully.
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Post by X factor on Jun 15, 2022 20:55:41 GMT -5
I don't understand my body, here's why
Sometimes I drink, I feel awful, sometimes I drink, I feel good.
Sometimes I drink, I get ill, as in like pain, as if inner infection occurs and bodies immune to weak from drinking to fight it off properly (Is how I imagine it)
Then other times I drink, and that same pain goes away, as if it's the alcohol that killed the infection or virus or parasites or whatever.
At times there just seems to be no ryme or reason to my health as if revolves around my drinking habits.
But i will say this, and that is I drink now, probably 90-95% less than I did a year ago at this same time.
I've really reduced my drinking, in fact now when I do drink, I consider it drinking while trying to be sober.
I think, know, can feel, that over all I'm in better health because I've cut back so much on drinking, so body is actually better able to fight off germs, viruses and anything else.
Plus been taking 'parasite cleanse' herbal pills and tea, and other vitamins, so been bombarding body with good stuff, I guess.
I think, know, my body is a lot cleaner on the inside than it was a year ago, and I've lost weight as well.
Now if only fixing other parts of my life were as easy as fixing my own body.
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Post by X factor on Jun 19, 2022 14:19:37 GMT -5
Alcohol, the seductive trap  Alcohol continues to be a seductive trap, like a boa constrictor snake that takes a hold of you and won't let go. It may seem you're free at times, but the snake is just playing with you.
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Post by X factor on Jun 22, 2022 20:45:27 GMT -5
Alcohol continues to be a sick twisted seductive trap But I had no idea how many people were effected by drinking, especially during the lock down. I had no idea all the deaths accurring do to people drinking to much, liver damage ect. I just always associated substance abuse death or illness with hardcore drugs and not alcohol.  I guess cause I pretty much keep to myself, I just never gave much thought to others who are or were affected by drinking. I mean I've drank on and off for years, and never really had health related issues, but I guess some really drink heavy and hard, and hard liquor. Either way, it's scary to realize how many people do drink and do succumb to alcohol related illnesses and death. Alcohol is indeed a seductive trap...avoid it if you can.
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Post by X factor on Jun 22, 2022 20:48:55 GMT -5
What's making me not want to drink anymore on a regular bases, cause I lost good weight (for me), and began looking really good again, face wasn't as puffy, skin seemed to just look better, it was exciting to see my non drinking body emerge, and I don't want to give that up.
Cause when I look good I feel better about myself, confidence goes up and all.
But when do drink, fall right back into same patterns of wasteful counterproductive behavior.
Or I'll get drunk and get on the phone and make a fool out of myself.
But loneliness and or boredom can allow alcohol to creep it's way back into your life.
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Post by X factor on Jun 28, 2022 18:44:06 GMT -5
I totally messed up and drank yesterday, that just messed everything up, everything, sort of. Mainly it derailed my plans. So many emotional ups and downs yesterday. Oh well, back to the drawing board. I have to work tomorrow, so I'm getting in that sad, have to go back to work tomorrow, type of mood and mindset. I've been off since Saturday night but it sure doesn't feel like it. I have a really dud life right now, I'm not really interested in nothing or no one. I go to the grocery store and I don't even look at other people anymore, no one interests me of either gender. And many urban women dress up in styles I just cannot relate to. I will have lived one of the most dull, bland, boring lives ever when it's all done and said. Oh well, I so wish I didn't drink yesterday, I'd probably be in a better more natural healthier mood and mindset right now.
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Post by X factor on Jul 7, 2022 20:25:05 GMT -5
Alcohol really plays with you  Alcohol really plays with you, it really does. You stop drinking for a while, then immediately convince self that since feeling better, 'can now handle it', just for the cycle to repeat. But to be honest, it was a lot of things I was doing around drinking that had just as bad, if not a worse effect. Like eating junk food, sugary drinks, chips, everything you buy from a travel center or corner store, all of it is fattening and full of terrible ingredients, even the sauces, as in ketchup, mustard, salad dressing and more, and no, not talking about the fattening ingredients, talking about the artifiscial food coloring, the artificial flavoring, the preservatives, stuff reads out like a bombs ingredient. I stopped eating it, for the most part, and feel so much better, mysterious aches and all just went away. A lot of people don't stop eating it though, and just croak, die, drop dead, do to organ failure cause of all the corrosive chemicals in junk food. ------------------------------------------ That aside, I'm better off when I don't drink, I'm just as fun of a person, probably more so when sober. My confidence goes up, energy level is out of his world and more...so why do I at times still want to drink? Probably do to loneliness, it's really that simple.
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Post by X factor on Jul 9, 2022 20:55:41 GMT -5
I'm home, not drinking, don't feel much of anything, but do feel more stable than if I had been drinking.
When you stop drinking (assuming a normally balanced person), you go back to feeling stable when you stop.
Not real happy, not sad, just stable.
-----------------------------------
If I ever won the lottery, and didn't have to work anymore, well, never mind, I don't want to encourage anything that's bad, cause now days you just don't know what they put in stuff.
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Post by X factor on Jul 23, 2022 20:22:38 GMT -5
The sobriety battle continues
It's a back and forth battle, lately been drinking more than I should though, but 'more' for me just means 1 or 2 or 3 to many beers.
Once system is clean, and go back to drinking, you then realize how impactful drinking is to your body, your mind, your mindset and what it does to your over all mood and health.
I feel better when sober, that's for sure, but then will get in a mood, I'll get bored, or feel lonely, and want an escape, and alcohol is such a easy route to escape on, it's legal, it's everywhere, in every store.
Unlike drugs, where you have to know shady people to get it, alcohol is everywhere, every grocery store, every corner store it's just there.
Liquor stores are everywhere also.
I wish I had the dicipline, like some, to only drink once a week, but I don't.
If I drink one day, I want more the next, no matter how bad I feel, so I'm the type that I just can't drink at all or else.
It's a battle, that's for sure, but it's one that can be won, and probably more easily won when have support vs trying to win the battle all alone.
But even alone, it still can be won.
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Post by X factor on Jul 23, 2022 20:25:55 GMT -5
And when sober, one, or I, tend to sit around trying to figure out my mood, and emotions and feelings.
But when drunk, none of that matters, you just drink, and start acting goofy, and silly, and bold, and cocky, and playful, and flirty and this and that.
It would be nice if could get in that same 'playful' carefree spot without having to drink.
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Post by X factor on Jul 25, 2022 21:43:39 GMT -5
One of the worst, most lonely feelings you can have as a drinker is when you hit emotional, and physical rock bottom, then decide to 'stop'.
Those first few nights can be one of the most dreadful feelings in the process cause you really don't start feeling better until day 3, or sometimes late into day 2.
It takes will power, cause after all it's pain and misery that drives many to drink, and that's why it's so easy to start drinking again even while recovering cause you so desperately don't want to feel 'ucky' and down and out, and alchohol is that quick fix to feeling better, even if just for a few hours until you drink self to sleep.
It's a dangerous trap, cycle, that many struggle with.
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Post by X factor on Aug 7, 2022 15:08:47 GMT -5
Drinking is simply a pathway to hell.
I cannot think of a single good decision I've ever made while drinking or drunk.
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Post by X factor on Aug 7, 2022 15:10:13 GMT -5
Drinking is simply a pathway to hell. I cannot think of a single good decision I've ever made while drinking or drunk. |
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Post by X factor on Aug 31, 2022 15:06:47 GMT -5
Someone just called, someone I usually like talking to, but I couldn't get to the phone in time, and also phone was under the bed...and also I'm still suffering the effects of drinking last night and early morning, to feel like talking anyways.
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