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Post by X factor on May 9, 2023 7:17:25 GMT -5
I drank on Sunday, and into the night, and Yesterday it felt as if the gears had been stripped from inside of me...gears as in motivation, enthusiasm, passion, yesterday wasn't good at all, and even today I wake up with the same no gears type of feeling.
Alcohol just doesn't serve me well anymore.
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Post by X factor on May 10, 2023 20:05:27 GMT -5
I see things so differently when sober, compared to when I'm drunk.
When drunk, I don't care.
When drunk, I make decisions as if I only have a week to live.
But when sober, I become all calculating and all, and even overly careful about who I associate with.
The worst thing you can do is meet someone when you're drunk, cause you'll say anything, you'll boast, make stupid promises and so forth, but that's your drunk side, the first impression side.
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Post by X factor on May 10, 2023 20:10:01 GMT -5
Also, now that spend more time sober, I realize how utterly empty my life is.
It's like I've spent a decade playing with myself, while drunk, like in pretend world or something.
But now I realize there is no foundational anything in my life, zero, nada, nothing.
I just come home to a empty place.
I think for a decade or so, social media was where I performed and gave me a sense of an audience, but haven't earned a dime from social media, ever.
I guess if I had done it better, early on, when younger, and knew how, but I didn't, I was just having fun with all the online fake attention I thought I was getting.
And now, of course, my life is totally empty, and not sure what to do about that.
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Post by X factor on May 10, 2023 20:35:22 GMT -5
You know, it's funny (in a sad way), but when drinking or drunk, everything just feels a OK, could be headed for a cliff, and as long as drinking, buzzed or drunk, it all feels OK
But when sober, you just see, feel, the reality of everything, and that can actually be good, if have a vibrant life built upon accomplishments, friends, family, and so forth.
But reality can be bad if have none of that, if all you have is emptiness, reality can hit you differently.
But being sober, what it will do, is help you reconfigure your life the way it should be, I suppose.
But when is it just to late to do that?
Is there a point where your life is just gone, beyond repair, as in trying to establish relationships and all?
I don't know.
Just going through a weird internal phase right now.
Just thinking out loud, that's all.
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Post by X factor on May 11, 2023 9:40:16 GMT -5
I'm sober right now, heck, reality is very sobering.
I wonder how many foolish decisions I've made in the past while drunk?
I'm sure a lot of people have, and some of those who have made foolish decisions while drunk, I'm sure it's worked out for them just fine, cause they've had the fiscal muscle to well, muscle through.
But when making foolish decisions while drunk and don't have that fiscal muscle or social support, things don't always turn out the way you want, regardless of your heart and passion.
That heart and passion stuff is for the movies, at least for me it is.
Everyone's situation is different.
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Post by X factor on May 15, 2023 21:23:13 GMT -5
When you stop drinking beer, you just end up munching of food all day.
Kind of like how those who stop smoking don't know what to do with their hands.
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Post by X factor on May 16, 2023 16:15:59 GMT -5
Being sober will take you out of 'la la land', and back into the realm of reality Being sober will take you out of la la land, and back into the realm of reality, is why making self be sober right now, cause I've spent to many years in la la land trying to create my own reality. But to a degree or another, I suppose everyone tries creating their own reality, whether sober or not. But for me, at least, I'm getting older, and for my own sake, I can't be off in a unrealistic la la land while drunk, creating realities that when sober, just don't exist.
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Post by X factor on May 16, 2023 16:18:05 GMT -5
Continued from above
But ye, I just need a balanced head right now, if it's hot, I need to feel hot, if it's cold, I need to feel cold.
I need to feel reality so I can better adjust to it going forward.
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Post by X factor on May 21, 2023 12:07:48 GMT -5
Drinking is a weird thing.
Like when you get happy, while sober, you feel you need a drink to enhance the happiness you're already feeling, like say you're falling for someone, and on the phone with them, the urge to start drinking while talking to them is strong, as if somehow drinking or getting drunk while talking to them will make the moment better, but it won't.
But that's what drinkers struggle with, especially when just stop drinking.
I'm developing a relationship with another now, for the first time in years, and while talking to them over the phone, I just felt the urge to drink, if had had a beer in my place I probably would have, glad I didn't.
It was a wonderful moment, without alcohol being involved, yet the urge to drink was still there.
That's something I'll have to overcome, for sure.
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Post by X factor on May 21, 2023 12:59:55 GMT -5
Another bad mindset drinking a lot gets you in, or even tobacco use does as well, and that is this idea that you always need to enhance how you're feeling by just adding that special touch, as in 'altered state', be it drinking, drugs, or smoking, or even chewing tobacco.
That's a hard mindset to break out of, the idea that you always need to add something to how you're already feeling.
Hyperactive people seem more prone to addiction, cause we, they, always need an extra edge, nudge, or think we do.
But long term, it just makes things worse.
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Post by X factor on May 24, 2023 10:05:45 GMT -5
I may have finally met someone, not sure, and we met yesterday, spoke real quick, hugged, and that was it, but it was enough.
Then stupid me, on the way back home, just had to get some beer, why?
Cause as someone who used to drink a lot, when I have utopic type of feelings, as I did yesterday, somehow I believe that drinking will just make it better...well, it doesn't.
I hadn't had any drinks for days before meeting them and I felt just great, I didn't need booze at all to enhance anything.
And I think I'm finally ready to kick the habit of boozing.
If love fills that void, it'll be a lot easier to stop drinking, that's for sure.
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Post by X factor on May 24, 2023 10:08:56 GMT -5
Also, the weight loss is beginning again.
It's all about momentum, if the momentum is in the direction of sobriety, than even if you break down and drink 1 day out of 10, the momentum of sobriety usually wins out.
But just caving in once, for a drink or two, can easily trigger for the momentum to swing the other way.
Cause you tell yourself 'I can handle it now', and with that lie, you start drinking more and more and more, again....until now drinking, and the effects of, once again gain the momentum.
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Post by X factor on Jun 7, 2023 0:18:12 GMT -5
One of the effects of not drinking is you start getting that long, consistent energy back.
Like right now it's late, but I don't feel tired or drowsy.
I don't have that post alcohol slothy feeling about me.
It's like, I guess, the kind of energy I had when younger, I guess, if I can remember that far back.
And I haven't even been not drinking for that long, I mean I think I last drank on Sunday?
Or Saturday night after work?
I don't know, but over all my drinking is way way down, and health is starting to get the momentum.
Oh, all the years I've wasted by drinking, what a shame, if only I had had a straight mind 7 years ago.
If I did, I wouldn't even be here right now, in this spot, I'd of had the nerves and focus to move, to apply for better jobs, and so forth.
Drinking makes you lazy, drinking makes you plan your schedule, even jobs, around drinking, cause that's all that matters when you drink daily, as I use to years ago.
I don't now though.
Most people drink after they've become successful and rich, cause if you do so before hand, it's hard to get there unless just lucky, have an inheritance, or are surrounded by people who won't allow you to fail.
I have none of that, all I have is myself.
I'm the perfect person to feel sorry for actually.
I mean we all have our own hells I suppose.
But I'm one of the good people who suffers.
Who cares about bad people who suffer.
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Post by X factor on Jun 7, 2023 18:11:08 GMT -5
When trying to stop drinking, it's always that day before work that's your weakest point
Usually, I drink my hardest the day before having to return to work...why?
Cause it's the most depressing empty feeling on the planet, as if waiting around to be executed or something.
And the next day just looms over you like a dark cloud, and so here comes alcohol to the rescue.
Only those who drink will understand that, or maybe even those who smoke.
Now, I can't really speak for those in relationships, those who have a ton of friends, those who have families around them all the time...I mainly say this as a single person who has no one to confide in emotionally, before going back to work, thus booze becomes your friend.
But once you/I get past that day before work gloom, or at least learn to cope with it differently, than more than half the battle is won.
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I did however, have one can of beer, but then stopped, and already knew it wasn't going to take me anywhere good or that I haven't gone before.
Sobriety is great, you feel great, so why would I want to sabotage that by getting slammed tonight, then waking up with the usual regret, and physiological depression type of feelings.
-----------------------------
You have to literally be your own friend, and talk yourself down from the ledge, sometimes, or maybe most of the time.
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Post by X factor on Jun 7, 2023 18:31:48 GMT -5
When trying to stop drinking, it's always that day before work that's your weakest pointUsually, I drink my hardest the day before having to return to work...why? Cause it's the most depressing empty feeling on the planet, as if waiting around to be executed or something. And the next day just looms over you like a dark cloud, and so here comes alcohol to the rescue.
Only those who drink will understand that, or maybe even those who smoke. Now, I can't really speak for those in relationships, those who have a ton of friends, those who have families around them all the time...I mainly say this as a single person who has no one to confide in emotionally, before going back to work, thus booze becomes your friend. But once you/I get past that day before work gloom, or at least learn to cope with it differently, than more than half the battle is won. --------------------------- I did however, have one can of beer, but then stopped, and already knew it wasn't going to take me anywhere good or that I haven't gone before. Sobriety is great, you feel great, so why would I want to sabotage that by getting slammed tonight, then waking up with the usual regret, and physiological depression type of feelings. ----------------------------- You have to literally be your own friend, and talk yourself down from the ledge, sometimes, or maybe most of the time.
It's that up and down energy surge that creates the depressive feeling.
If go into the next day with mental and physical energy, and alcohol free, than the next day, work day or not, seems way less intimidating. |
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