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Post by X factor on Jun 7, 2023 23:22:35 GMT -5
I have a very lovely body, and I'm tired of abusing it, from here forth, I declare war on alcohol 
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Post by X factor on Jun 12, 2023 20:03:02 GMT -5
Sad, I gotta have a few beers inside of me, in order to have the guts/nerves, to read my email.
I think I may still owe a bit of money to a place, and it just crushes my heart to see that, so I drink, get drunk, then I check the email, cause when drunk I don't care.
If I had someone, in real life, to hold my hand, to hug me, to care about me, than I would'nt have to lean upon alcohol for support.
But I don't, so it is what it is jack.
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Post by X factor on Jun 14, 2023 17:18:58 GMT -5
If someone is bad for you, they're still bad for you, even when you're drunk
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Post by X factor on Jul 3, 2023 18:16:16 GMT -5
I've had a few beers, and will probably finish punishing self with some ramon noodles that will put me over the edge, as I fade out to some streaming movie I like.
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Post by X factor on Jul 3, 2023 19:07:52 GMT -5
I'm changing, I mean even when drunk, I've never felt so calm and mellow in all my life.
Is that just the natural process of aging??
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Post by X factor on Jul 17, 2023 13:06:40 GMT -5
 I had to much to drink yesterday, and now today I'm useless to self. I'm useless to the world, the world around me. I need to enroll in online school or something, get a certification or something. Cause right now I'm going nowhere fast. Lucky to still be healthy, but need to do something with my health. |
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Post by X factor on Jul 30, 2023 0:56:28 GMT -5
Haven't had a drink since last Tuesday night, and boy did I drink.
Then was in pain, point pain that is, in certain areas of my body, and other odd pain.
It got so bad it was hard to left my left leg, and I had to work 2 days like that, but felt the pain coming on prior.
Fast forward, with some rest (now that off), and some homemade antibiotics, the pain is subsiding.
Inflammation of the joints is due to infection, and infection is due to body's immune dipping, ever so slightly, and probably drinking beer so much last week gave an otherwise virus or bacteria body normally deals with, the upper hand.
What is the point?
Point is, alcohol was leading me down a weird track these last few weeks.
My pessonality was changing, and when drunk was calling places, texting, and expressing things that even for me seemed a bit errie.
But now that sober, it seems like a distant dream, who I was becoming on the inside, a few weeks ago, that is.
Scared, desperate and depressed, and ever more hiding behind drunkness, like a shield against all that I was frightened of....of losing people, or a person I care for, and the regret of not spending more time and moments communicating.
And then calling places and saying what I might do if such a person leaves...and so forth.
As if preparing to end things, while in that drunken state.
But now that sober, my reason has come back.
And now that sober, certain people I thought I needed in my life, don't seem so important to me at the moment.
I don't feel lonely, and nothing really seems pressing or important to me at the moment...the worrying about the future has subsided, for now.
I've gone back to old self of just dealing with things as they happen, and not worrying about the future.
Worrying about the future will drive you nots, drunk or not drunk.
Anyways, it's late or early, however you define time, so will lay back down, and slip back into the realm of sleep, as I'm still not 100$ recovered yet...but getting there, and it's like being reborn.
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Post by X factor on Aug 1, 2023 8:13:35 GMT -5
About a week now with no beer or booze.How do I feel? I feel blank on the inside, emotionally blank. I just woke up, pretty much, and as I lay there in bed, like I felt nothing, no emotion, no joy, nothing, it's like I was alive and beathing, but that's it. I felt as if I were castrated....like chemically castrated or something or neutered. No emotion at all whatsoever, but thoughts were, are active, there's just no real emotions behind the thoughts. Also, the weight loss has begun again. The weight loss seems effortless whenever stop drinking for more than a week...that part is fun, watching the numbers drop on the scale. I can only wonder the burdens that drinking adds to the body, especially as you age. -------------------------- Also, on a different note, I ordered a new keyboard for computer, one where hopefully all the characters work. cause if just one character or letter pad doesn't work, it just throws your typing off big time. 
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Post by X factor on Aug 2, 2023 10:48:32 GMT -5
I've stopped drinking, for now, 8 days so far, but today's one of those days where kind of actually do feel like having a drink, to help deal with the anxiety inside of me as I take care of important things.
But taking care of important things always means spending money.
And spending money, you yourself had to earn, is always stressful.
It's you, who has to spend long hours, days, weeks, earning that money, just to have big chunks of it taken away by whomever and whatever...what a freagen sham.
But if drinking or drunk right now, I wouldn't care...when drunk or drinking, I just don't care about the small stuff.
But, I need to learn to cope with life while sober.
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Post by X factor on Aug 2, 2023 22:34:11 GMT -5
I have to write this here, cause in a weird mental spot right now, lot's of energy, body and mind is healing, have been off for many days, but gotta work tomorrow.
I feel free right now.
I'm not 100% yet, considering last week the physical mess I was in.
And I don't know what tomorrow will bring.
I can't control what others around me do, who they are, or how they reason.
But I do know I'm better able to cope with it all with a clear mind, at least I hope so.
Alcohol really does keep you in a fog, you don't realize that until clean.
Oh the years I wasted boozing.
The productivity I wasted, I can only imagine where I'd be now if instead of boozing, had been planning, or going to a school, or applying for better positions, and or whatever.
Oh well.
I'm still here, fate still has me here.
_________________________
And now that mind is clear, I just no longer care about social media, views, likes, any of it, it's all worthless, totally worthless.
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Post by X factor on Aug 4, 2023 7:18:40 GMT -5
haven't had a drink in over a week, yet still seem to wake up at times feeling like I did, that 'Oh, how many drinks did I have last night' type of feeling.
What that tells me is that there's other things in our diet, that we're eating, that give us that same feeling of being hung over.
Think about that.
That means there's a lot more to good health other than just not drinking.
To be continued.
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Post by X factor on Aug 6, 2023 11:19:46 GMT -5
It's Sunday Yep, it's Sunday all right, and I'm off from work, thank goodness. And I haven't had a drink in, let's see, 11 days, cool. But odd, when first stop drinking, you still wake up as if did, you still wake up with kind of that 'hey, how many beers did I drink last night' type of feeling. It's like your body, out of habit, makes you think you drank even when you didn't. But I had to stop, cause I was getting out of control with my drunk emotions, I was becoming like Mr Jekele and Hyde, two different personalities, a drunk one and a sober one, and the drunk one was dominating. ==================================== So anyways it's Sunday, I'm up, slept in late, and so now what? I 'to do list' I suppose. And we'll just see what happens from there.
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Post by X factor on Aug 8, 2023 20:19:44 GMT -5
The thing about drugs, why do so many think they can handle taking drugs?  I mean sure, I drink beer, now and then, when not working, but drugs, heck no. And most of those on drugs today, years ago scolding those who did drugs. Many on drugs today and homeless, were regular 9-5 types once upon a time, and then it just happens. I was homeless once also, but never did drugs, so always had wits about me. I mean boozing is bad enough, I can't imagine being addicted to street drugs where one bad dose could kill ya. I mean I have a place, and still get depressed at times after I drink, I can't imagine not having a place to at least recoupe, out of the elements, and still being depressed while sleeping in a alley. I hope I never get there, but then again, that's what they all said, now look at them. Anyways, maybe I'm just trying to give myself a pep talk that no one else will or can give me. What is our society coming to? And who's bright idea was to allow this to occur? And why is the justice system always going after Trump, instead of going after the drug dealers that are destroying the fabric of this nation?? |
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Post by X factor on Aug 14, 2023 20:21:42 GMT -5
It's Monday and I'm sober It's Monday, and I'm sober, but not 100% OK. I drank during my first night off, and well, it just hit me the wrong way...I was already feeling odd, and the beer just made it worse. That was Saturday night...it's now Monday night. I need to start taking my health much more seriously, cause as you age, you body becomes less forgiving when you veer off the path of health. Joy, happiness, and hope for the future is also a part of health, and as far as the future goes, with today's Alice and Wonderland administration, it can be hard to have hope in the future, cause I do believe, can see, that their policies are destroying this nation. To many foreignors are being allowed to flood in, unvetted ones, no other nation does that, not if want to survive anyways. Then you look at the crime wave occurring in all blue cities and states, and it's horrifying. People are losing their values, younger people are losing their values, so how are they going to be when they fully grow up? If they're committing crimes now, they'll be committing crimes the rest of their lives, and that's scary as they spread out into different communities. And this administration just doesn't seem to care, as they launder all our money overseas to Ukraine. Sorry black folks, all your reparations have gone to Ukraine.And rent keeps going up, sure the wealth class, they'll be OK, but what of the working poor class. There is a class below the middle class that people often forget, and that's the hourly working class.Actually now is the perfect time to drink, to shield self from the ugly reality we as a society are headed towards, but, but, I think I've done enough drinking over the last decade, and so need to stop, cause going forward I'm going to need my health, and a sound mind, to make it in this nation of ours. And our justice system is more interested in going after Trump than criminals on the streets and the cartel they now partner with. Yes, under Biden, the Drug Cartels now have a strong hold in America, and not just in cities, but in small towns all across this nation...thanks a lot Joe Biden and or those who voted for him, thanks for making our nation a sink hole. And most of these new immigrants can't stand the LGBTQ community, and so if gay or trans or lesbian, and voted for Biden, you've basically voted for your own demise, as these immigrants start getting into politics and begin to outlaw being gay, as is done in their home nations. How can black and LGBTQ voters be so dumb and short sighted?? Oh well, this is not the political section so let me stop. I'm off, it's calm, and I'm just trying to retool my life one day and event and task at a time.
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Post by X factor on Aug 20, 2023 20:10:04 GMT -5
I wonder if they're putting different ingredients in beer, or if my body just reacts differently to it now?
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