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Post by X factor on Apr 26, 2024 19:47:51 GMT -5
Not sure why I feel kind of sad right now, energetic, but kind of not as happy as I should.
I mean I haven't drank in a few days, I'm in a type of film course, learning, doing what I want, yet as I sit here on a Friday night, sober, I don't feel as happy as I'd like.
And still pretty much lonely and alone, even though have decent newer sports car now, yet my butt is right here at home...why?
(maybe cause I don't want to lose my parking spot, lol)
On Friday/Saturday nights, if you leave, your parking spot gets filled quick, and may have to park away from where normally do, but still, that's no reason to stay home.
Boy have I changed over the years, I mean 5 years ago or less, had I had that sports car, I'd be out, probably drinking to boot....but now, hmm....I have no one I really want to impress anymore, not around here anyways.
Just city thug types everywhere, and thug type women, thug type women that if they know you have a nice car, will get their 'real' boyfriend to steal it from you.
Sorry, just can't trust certain women in the hood areas, they're just no good, and see you as a tool in which to manipulate and get stuff from, and fight with.
Anyways, it's Friday night, I'm at home, plenty to do, as far as reading and homework type of stuff, but I'm just not all that happy right now...or maybe I've just forgotten what happiness is supposed to feel like when not drinking or drunk and acting a fool.
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Post by X factor on Apr 26, 2024 19:49:09 GMT -5
Continued from above.
Or maybe I just feel like there's just really never a good ending for anyone on this planet, including me.
When sober, I can't hide from myself...I guess that's good when busy and focused.
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Post by X factor on Apr 26, 2024 19:52:43 GMT -5
And most of the people I'm used to speaking with on the phone, ever the last 5 + years, I did so when drinking or drunk, but when sober, they don't particularly excite me.
When I'm sober, they're just less than average dull people to me, but when drunk, I have a heck of fun toying with them, messing with their minds.
Even a lot of times when spoke with my Mother, I was drinking or drunk, and would get verbally hyper on the phone, boast, make stupid promises, brag, act tough, ect...but when sober, not so much.
No wonder some think I'm odd, if the only time they correspond with me is over the phone when I'm drinking.
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Post by X factor on Apr 29, 2024 7:01:36 GMT -5
As far as drinking goes, I was right all along, in that the only way to really stop, lose the desire to drink, one needs something that means more to them than getting drunk.
One needs a goal, a life task, something more grand than wasting time.
One needs to have stake in something greater than booze.
For me, right now, that happens to be 'school'; or more like a course I'm taking, that I paid for, that now my future is tied into.
A course I need to understand and grasp if I want to be successful.
As such, now I see drinking for the ugly monster it really is.
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Post by X factor on May 1, 2024 16:32:12 GMT -5
Teaching myself to be sober again, is just weird, very weird, it's like being reborn or something.
Usually when drinking, my range of emotions throughout the day is are simple and base, and ends in me just eating a meal and going to sleep for a long time and waking up and not feeling like doing anything till morning, late morning at that.
When you drink heavily at once, the amount of time you waste just recovering is staggering.
And not just physically but mentally as well, for as the body goes, so does the mind. So, when recovering from drinking your mood changes, you don't feel like concentrating on anything, or anyone, you're just focused on not feeling bad.
Now that choosing to be sober more than drunk, that = lots of time on my hand, and way more energy, which means I tend to snack on food more.
Normally, I'd be guzzling down beer, but if not drinking, I guess I substitute that motion with eating, or snacking, which is OK for now, as long as the snacks are good.
Anyways, life is odd, I'm odd, sometimes I can't believe I'm even still here, and have no idea where it's all leading.
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Post by X factor on May 6, 2024 20:55:05 GMT -5
Booze will destroy your life, if trying to accomplish something
Booze will mess you up, if not where you want to be in life yet.
If in school, have to read a lot, have to focus, think, speak in public, communicate ideas clearly to others, booze will mess up your mind, it will make you lazy and cripple your ability to focus for long periods of time.
And booze will mess with your moods, usually in a bad way.
If I know all this why do I continue to drink at times?
Probably because logic doesn't always appeal to my emotions.
Like when you have sox, those lucky enough to, having sox isn't exactly a logical act, it's more of a self gratifying act.
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I don't know, was doing well, still am, but drank yesterday and into the night...and I feel OK, today, fit, healthy as can be, at my age, but I can tell it's still messing with my mood and moral.
When drunk, really drunk, I say things I shouldn't, type things I shouldn't, express things to others that I later regret.
Booze humiliates me.
And I always drink alone, but with social media, emails, texting, there's still always someone to bother and make a fool of yourself to.
Or fake like you like them when you really could care the less about them or their fate.
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I was doing well, I gotta stay the course, limit my drinking, or my life will never improve.
Either way, we're all still on a Titanic ship that's slowly sinking, that would be our own lives.
Maybe I need to find God again, but what does that really mean?
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Post by X factor on May 27, 2024 19:58:11 GMT -5
It would be easy for me to start drinking right now, but then I'd be letting myself and others down...I can't do that.
You learn a lot about yourself during moments, times, like these.
Drinking really serves me no purpose anymore.
To me, you drink after you've accomplished something or stuff, not before.
If you drink before accomplishing anything, you'll never accomplish anything.
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Post by X factor on Jun 8, 2024 21:31:39 GMT -5
Believe it or not, this song inspired me to stop drinking tonight and want to get sober
People who say rappers aren't talented are dishonest intellectual baffoons.
Listen to these guys, their lyrics, and how tight they are.
That's discipline, and you can't do that if drunk, stoned or high.
They're lyrical athletes...and just made me want to stop drinking tonight, and instead be sober and focus on my craft...and being the best I can be at whatever gift god gave me.
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Post by X factor on Jun 11, 2024 0:15:15 GMT -5
Drinking is like being in an abusive relationship..
I always swear off drinking, then when feel good again, I convince self that a few beers won't hurt me, then I drink more than a few, and the cycle repeats itself.
I need a perminant divorce from alcohol.
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Post by X factor on Jun 13, 2024 23:06:16 GMT -5
Alcohol totally robs you of your motivation.
When I drink, I drink alone, like that southern rock song.
I don't like drinking around others, when around others, believe it or not, that's when I want to be sober.
Although years ago, when used to go out, I did have fun drinking in bar/club settings.
But I always went out to a LGBTQ club....never met or dated anyone there, I just like the laid back atmosphere.
I don't think I'd ever go to a hetro booty shake type of club and drink, cause straight urban raised men love to fight...whenever women are around immature males love to fight.
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Post by X factor on Jun 13, 2024 23:07:01 GMT -5
I hope I feel better tomorrow, cause last nights booze sure did have me feeling down all day.
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Post by X factor on Jun 21, 2024 11:31:18 GMT -5
I drink beer, but I also exercise, so making it harder for bad health to catch me...lol...but it will eventually, regardless of whether I drink or not.
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Post by X factor on Jun 27, 2024 14:08:09 GMT -5
Sobriety high
If not used to being sober, being sober can be like being high, cause you're dealing with body changes, mental changes, reality changes that just seem awkward at first.
Being drunk, high or stoned, allows you to hide...hide, hide, and hide some more, but when sober there's really no place to hide, so everything is hitting you in the face at once, and that alone can seem like being high, in a way.
Dealing with reality can seem like a 'trip', to those not use to doing so.
And I think, know, I fall into that category to one degree or another.
Energy, or having energy instead of always being in a post drinking stupor, is like being reborn, you're suddenly not afraid of stuff anymore...maybe you should be, but you're not.
And your confidence goes up.
Anyways, we'll see how long this sobriety period lasts.
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Post by X factor on Jun 30, 2024 13:37:52 GMT -5
Right now, at this moment, is when I'd normally feel justified in having a drink
I'm emotionally primed to drink right now, here's why.
1. Haven't drank all week, so feeling way better than I did last week at this time.
2. Just got back from visiting some relatives, one, my niece, didn't even know we were related. It was fun, they're in like the 5th grade, and I gave them some money.
3. I'm at the pinnical of the or my week and I feel good.
This is normally when I'd drink, for sure, to cap off my emotions and take them to yet another level, that's just what I'm used to doing, I'm used to zoning out right about now by drinking...but again, it's been a week, I feel better than I have in a long while, so why would I ruin it?
I don't know, it's what drinkers do, we hi-jack our own swell moments by convincing ourselves that a few drinks won't hurt...but it never stops at one or two beers, to a drinker, that's absurd, and 1-2 beers turns into 4, than 6, than 8, if still awake..
So what will I do?
I don't know, I never like to pressure myself by saying what I'm going to or not going to do until moment or situation done...time will tell, and so will I, when this day is over.
Maybe I'll have some beer, maybe I won't, we shall see....and that's being realistic folks.
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Post by X factor on Jul 3, 2024 15:49:48 GMT -5
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