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Post by X factor on Jan 25, 2019 20:25:32 GMT -5
The first night is always the hardestThe first night is always the hardest, sort of (not really, it's usually the second night or 3rd) But the first night is still very hard, in that it's easy to repent when still in 'Jail', per say, also it's easy to say 'never again', while still under the effects of your last drinking bout, as in 'hang over'. It's not until all signs of hang over are gone, will true test come about. Well for instance, I never eat healthy this time of the night, instead to busy drinking, either fast or slow, trying to get that one last 'whatever'. So tonight, instead of drinking (yuk) prepared and ate salad instead and I know stomach is like 'what the heck?. Without beer or booze, a have a hunch fridge will empty out fast until I find new balance. |
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Post by X factor on Jan 25, 2019 21:38:30 GMT -5
Journal
I also knew it was time to quit when the day meant absolutely nothing to me, when it didn't matter whether the sun shined or not, all that mattered was being drunk or buzzed, or getting there.
As scary as it may be at first, I do want my full range of emotions back, if scared want to feel scared, if happy, want to feel happy, if stressed want to feel stressed so can resolve that which is causing stress.
Also tired of saying over the phone, or emailing or texting, the most bizarre stuff to people that the next day doesn't really make sense, or out of natural character for self.
The thing about me is I've always been 'weird' or artistic enough outside of having to drink to get there, but alcohol just adds or added another element to it.
Looking back I feel ashamed of where alcohol led me at times, not to what I did to any other, but rather embarrassing moments or situations I put myself in.
I've been very lucky or something, that other than making fool out of self, nothing ever occurred that would effect health, or nothing every occurred that got me in trouble with the law.
I do believe social media, in odd type of way, helped with a lot of that in that was able to 'be weird' while online, rather than out there on the streets or in clubs.
I guess that's the one thing I can kind of thank social media for, is for kind of absorbing much of my drunk creative behavior.
But I often wonder will I be as artistic and fun to 'self', once I stop drinking?
I won't know until a few days, more like a week.
And will I like self more or less?
Funny how famous people are commended for admitting substance abuse issues, their commended and told how 'brave' they are to 'come out', but with average people, you're scorned, looked at as a freak, and no one wants to understand you.
But if a celebrity, you're applauded for admitting your weakness, and given an award.
I'm hoping being sober again (if this works) will help open my eyes once again, in that I use to be so keen, still am, but those keen moments more and more clouded with false drunken bravado.
Also, alcohol was my friend, I didn't need any real friends as long as drunk, what about now?
Will I start feeling lonely again?, and will that loneliness compel me to go out again, and do stuff?
Again, I do not know.
Only time will reveal any of the above
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Post by X factor on Jan 25, 2019 21:58:32 GMT -5
Also, when I don't drink, I tend to stay awake longer, which means I utilize more time allotted to me during 24 hour cycle.
Here's typical schedule when I drink
1. Get home around 5-5:30 pm
2. immediately open up can and start drinking or left over can of beer and start drinking, and then after 1 or two cans, start drinking beer with Jim Bean alcohol, and all while doing this just 'creating stuff', blogging, writing, cleaning ect
3. My drinking session seldom last over 3-4 hours, cause by that time it's 8-9 and combined with long exhaustive day, I'm usually done, so whatever I didn't get done in 3-4 hours of drinking has to wait (lost time, months, years, of lost time)
4. On weekends, would wake up, and immediately start drinking, in that learned I'm safer when go through drinking cycle early in day, rather than late, cause again, by noon I'm 'out', sleeping it off, and then rest of evening pretty much done, but that recoup period kills enthusiasm to want to go out, say on the weekends or Friday night.
For self, I just learned safer to cycle during the day or morning, than in the evening when clubs are open and people are at their craziest and cops are out and all other weird stuff going on.
And that's basically it, that was my awake and sleep cycle for months, maybe even years, and again I look back and realize I lost, gave up, a lot of time sleeping off effects of drinking.
Time I can't get back (yes, I know, that's a old tired cliche)
All the embarrassing classifieds I ran, adds, over the years, just to regret it the next day.
Yet, with all that, I never got in trouble, or crossed any legal lines.
And lately drinking just makes me feel sick, not happy.
(not I've got that stupid Disney song stuck in head 'It's a brave new world)
If I post video of song, it'll be stuck in your head also, but I won't be that cruel.
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Post by X factor on Jan 25, 2019 22:08:20 GMT -5
And also, drinking has a way of throwing off my soxual orientation.
In that when drunk, to some, I could appear or sound 'gay' or gayish, and or if around or speaking with a female, I can attend to come on to strong.
(I'm never around males or females anymore, so most of this occurs or occurred online, email, texting or over the phone, but still, I'm sure it left impressions, in fact I know it did)
But here's the thing, I'm not 'gay', cause gay people despise me, I think, and I'm very particular about females, as such most females despise me, I think.
Here's the deal though, I'm not gay, but not afraid to act 'gay' when drunk, if that makes sense.
But a real gay person can sense if you're acting or are for real.
But when sober, I never feel the need to 'act' gay, or straight, or any other way, when sober I just behave as 'myself' which is nice, kind, reasonable and neutral towards most.
And I totally avoid conflict when sober, yet when drunk, or getting drunk, love conflict.
In other words I get theatrical when drunk or drinking, but is that really me?
When I stop drinking, will I become a one dimensional boring tweeb?
Only time will tell.
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Post by X factor on Jan 25, 2019 22:24:26 GMT -5
For instance, when drunk, I don't mind having a openly gay roommate or closeted one, but when sober I don't want no part of that, and that's what confuses people when in the past would run 'roommate adds', cause when writing adds, I'd be drunk, and seem all LGBTQ friendly, but next day when sober and people responded I'd freak out and panic.
But also the same way with women (even I confuse self at times)
In that when drunk, I could see having a female roommate, but when sober, I freak out.
To be honest with you, when I'm sober I don't want a male or female roommate, that I do know, I think, just not sure.
I really don't want anyone living within my same space unless someone I could fall in love with, otherwise I'd just become very annoyed with them, I think...I don't know.
It's been so long since had anyone around me I just don't know anymore.
I alcohol took me from one extreme to another, in that in the past I was so 'serious' all the time, serious like a Priest or Monk, and that serious behavior alienated me.
The alcohol made me overly theatrical, gave me false confidence to say and express things, that that to probably ultimately alienated myself from others.
Hetero males are very particular and very scared (I know, cause I use to be like that) in that one misplaced word, and they freak out on the inside, spread rumors, this, that.
In other words many, yes even today, many hetero males have yet to come face to face with their own soxuality, and or reactions, so if they think you're gay, they 'freak out'.
But here's the thing, why?
I'll tell you why, cause they're afraid of their own reaction, not 'yours' in that you can't make anyone do anything they don't already feel inclined to do.
And once I realized that for myself, I almost instantly stopped being concerned with anyone else's orientation or cross gender or whatever, no fear at all what so ever anymore, and that I do like, rather than always walking around like a identity coward afraid of own reaction to another or others.
Being attracted to a same person does not mean one is gay or lesbian, so many don't, and can't, get past that though, which causes them to behave irrational towards other peoples perceived, fake or real soxual identity.
(getting way of subject here)
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Post by X factor on Jan 25, 2019 22:25:34 GMT -5
I think what I really am is a scientist, or scientifically minded soul, who uses self as own 'lab'.
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Post by X factor on Jan 25, 2019 22:38:53 GMT -5
Also, another thing I do remember and that is when I stop drinking, I become very hyperactive, physically and mentally, so in a way I'd drink as a way of slowing self down.
This will be an interesting journey back to sobriety, if it lasts.
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Post by X factor on Jan 26, 2019 11:03:18 GMT -5
Normally, right now, I'd be 2-3 bears into the day, and a bit of booze to go with it, I'd be pushing self towards that artificial excited moment or 'buzz', then by 1-2 would sleep it off, you know eat, all blood rushes to gut then get that drowsy after booze effect.
(accept when at work, cause when at work totally stimulated by activity, have no desire for booze when at work, it's just when get home, and activity ceases, does urge to drink apply)
That being said, I do no that when involved in physical activity, my desire to drink goes away, as long as stimulated with strong mind or physical activity.
Anyhow, days still young, I won't know how body reacts to not drinking on the weekend until after 12 noon sometime, when use to falling out, but today there's be no reason to nap that early, cause there's no booze in system.
I drank a bit of coffee earlier, not much effect, just maybe a bit more alert for a few minutes.
Other than that I feel fine, healthy, just not zesty.
Slept like a log though, very deep sleep, lots of dreams.
To be continued on this same post as day continues to note observed reaction to not drinking on day off.
1. first note 11:25 am
Notice a feeling of sadness coming over me, this is normally when I'd hide or mask that sadness by drinking, or not even notice it, but sense not drinking, I do notice it, sadness or drowsiness, or both, and maybe body is a bit sad, since not drinking, again I have to punch through this to see where it' leading
Continued from above
Just got back from shopping, what I noticed
It's now 12:30 Eastern time and I just got back from shopping, some notes to follow
1. I could tell haven't been working out like I use to, in that alcohol begin to interfere with workouts, as such legs didn't feel as 'bouncy' as did months ago
2. Mood was moderate
3. Spent around 81 dollars on healthy foods, mainly fruit, some coffee, and a six pack of....of mininature Mountain Dew, although did walk down beer isle, but wasn't tempted at all.
4. Don't feel mentally sharper or anymore or less sociable at the moment.
Concluding notes or thoughts.
I spent 81 on food stuffs, and other house hold items, paper towels, mouth wash ect.
I figure if I stay 'dry' all week I'll earn about half of that back....well lets see
I normally daily buy the following on the way home
4 pack $3.99
one single to go with it 1.29-2.49 depending on item
And use to spend 6 on split bourbens but then started buying larger bottle to keep me away from liquor store do to bums, traffic and other hassles.
so
4.00 + 2.00 + 3.00 (other items that tend to buy when in corner store) + Jim Bean (lets just round to $15.00 a a week in that either I buy larger 12 dollar bottle, or the small splits. With the larger bottles I noticed I drank less.
Average $12 dollars a day on alcohol (some of you may laugh and say 'Hey, that's pretty low) well not for me it isn't or impact it started having on body, and over all mental health.
So $12 x 7 = $84 dollars, give or take, cause mind you whether I work or not, I still would buy booze.
So as long as I stay clean all week long, I can make back what I spent today on groceries.
And if can stay clean for a whole month that would be, wow, around $336.00 dollars a month I could save which is equivalent of
1. A roommates pay
2. Car payment
3. Medical insurance
4. A raise at work
Just to name a few things, wow.
Now times 336 by 12 = $4000.00 a year people, I myself and others, have wasted on alcohol...wow!
That ='s paying off debt, all repairs on vehicles, down payment on whatever, and more.
So as can see, being addicted to alcohol is negative in more than one way, it also impacts the purse or wallet.
To be continued
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Post by X factor on Jan 26, 2019 15:17:58 GMT -5
Also where I do have a slight advantage is that
1. Work job that does require you to be in decent shape, so I never really fell out of shape, not in the best shape, but nor the worse shape either
2. Continued to eat health as in hardly any red meat at all, rarely ever add sugar to drinks, very few soft drinks (accept today to off set need to just drink something), I don't smoke, and still do or did manage a workout or two a week.
So a basically kept in moderate shape, so hoping recovery will be quicker than if just became all out slob.
Also, I bought Tea from store, but here's the thing, you can drink alcohol until just go to sleep, but I can't sit here and drink milk or tea or coffee all day, or even water, so this will require an adjustment in habit.
When you drink a lot, you're always use to having something land in stomach, when you stop drinking you have to cater that urge, and just learn to put appetite on the sideline for hours at a time.
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Post by X factor on Jan 26, 2019 16:43:17 GMT -5
Ready to give alcohol upI'm ready to give alcohol up 1. Tired of only utilizing 30-40% of my 'off time' do to drinking, cause when you drink to get drunk, you only care about what you're doing while peaking, and then peaked, but after that, sleep or bed as sickly feeling begins to set in, and not interested in anything else until feel 'whole' again just so can start process over again. 2. Drinking no longer serves me, in that I don't go out anymore, so whom or what am I getting 'lose' for? Myself? 3. Tired of post drinking feeling of feeling sickly, and unhealthy, that whole hang over feeling, I mean what's the point of that anymore at my age? 4. And just general health, cause sooner or later something is bound to give. 5. Economic savings, I mean even if just buy 4 pack a day, at minimum that's 28 x 4 = $112.00 a month, minimum in savings, but actually more like $150 or more in savings. And could give a few more reasons, but I'm just tired of being a hostage to alcohol. I was about to go buy some beer, and more, than paused on porch, sunny out, nice day, and I was like 'why?', I was like why am I eager to go make self or buy stuff that will simply make me feel sick again? What's the point?, I asked myself, and for whatever reason I finally kind of answered and said 'You know what, you're right, there is no point to this madness'. Will it last?, who knows, but either way we all need this juncture in order to kind of 'wake up'. Not saying being sober all the time is the cure to what ails my or our lives, but it's a start, a productive start. And if sober, don't have to worry about embarrassing self all the time when drunk, while talking to people over the phone and making stupid, outlandish claims about myself or abilities. Just tired of this whole circular process of sober, drunk, sober, drunk BS, it's not benefiting me anymore in any way shape or form. I'm simply destroying self. It's time this stops. We shall see. The second weekend night is always the hardest, for it's when a bit of reality begins to set in and some of the things one struggles with 1. Just because I stopped drinking, nothing instantly feels better, life is not better, bills still not magically paid. Yes one begins to realize that just because one stops drinking doesn't suddenly make the world a shinier better, more fun place to be in. In fact you become a bit more annoyed, notice things you might over look if asleep or groggy or drinking. You start noticing how depressing all TV commercials are, how absurd and repetitive all radio commercials are. And your senses begin to become more acute, you hear better, notice small noises you might not notice are care about when drunk or asleep, it's as if can hear neigbor's talking through the walls, and you want to choke them. Every bump and ting you hear, that you didn't before. And also suddenly you have all this 'time', and don't know what to do with it, for now you're 'sober', when otherwise would be asleep or in some drunken creative rant or mood. Yes, the second night is very hard, not the hardest but hard. Is when the voice in head starts suggesting 'Just one, just one, it's not good to just stop cold turkey, just one pal/gal. The second night, or 48 hours into sobriety is also when body will start reacting to no alcohol, when mood will begin to change, senses begin coming back (depending on how addicted one was, there's variables here) You don't know what to do with self, with hands, with appetite, in that so use to guzzling down beer after beer, or sipping beer after beer, and harder liquor to compliment it. If you ate food, the way you drank, stomach would burst, in that alcohol has ability to be absorbed where as food, or non alcohol drinks do not. You can drink 5 beers, and not fill full, but one half glass of milk or water, and you're done. So what do you do on second night? You write about it, that's what you do. |
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Post by X factor on Jan 26, 2019 17:49:59 GMT -5
Art is one way I deal with anxiety Art, depicting self in art, symbolically going through whatever, is one way I deal with anxiety. If in a weakened situation, than in art depict self image as such, that's the flexibility of art. And even though image distorted, beneath the distorted image is always a piece of myself. I use self cause when I do it feels more authentic to me, cause I know I'm actually going through what's depicted in Art, to use a 'model' to me, would be faking it. Most models have very good lives, and fake it on camera, so why would I steal that moment from a real person going through real stuff?, and is why I don't. The Zone is a self contained Asylum with over 6 years worth of posts, it has out lived many forums in that it's self contained. The premise is 'just because people, others, stop caring about you doesn't mean you die, rather you're simply reborn elsewhere. Just because you stop mattering to others, well, then 'The Twylight Zone' was born.
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Post by X factor on Jan 26, 2019 19:33:41 GMT -5
I think what I really am is a scientist, or scientifically minded soul, who uses self as own 'lab'. Well, round two, so far not bad, around 7:30 PM eastern time, and still no drink. A few hours ago not sure I could make it, wasn't feeling so enthused or happy on the inside, but now, after watching a bit of YT video, I feel a bit better. Also energy level is constant, that's something I haven't had in months, a constant energy level in that not recovering from earlier 'booze' effects, so with constant energy level able to utilize 50-70% more of my 'off time', meaning time not working at a job. That's a lot of time when you think about, recovered time, creative time, time to get caught up on stuff. For when not drunk, or in a drunken stuper, you have no choice but to feel in that time. I really hope this works, I really do hope that this time I'm serious about staying dry. Realistically I no it's not the last time I'll ever drink in my life, would never even put that kind of pressure on self, but do need to prove I can make it a few days (start small as to not scare self) to clean body up, and if can go a few days, then can do a week, and so forth. I want my life back, what's left of it, in that tired of going from really 'booze' happy, to after booze depressed, I desire balance again. |
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Post by X factor on Jan 26, 2019 22:38:03 GMT -5
Last update for the day
It's around 10:30 pm, Sat night Eastern time, and I'm still awake and oddly full of energy, wow.
Tea, fruit, this that, no meat, just healthy stuff, and feel energized.
Not use to being up this late, and if so, after drinking, I don't want to be, and this is only the second day.
I'm sure body is freaking out wondering where the alcohol is.
I did have a brain freeze earlier while working on project, like brain just stalled, or 'spaced out', I guess a part of brain feels it should be alseep right now, yet since no alcohol I feel alert, I'm sure bodies a bit confused right now.
This is what I mean though about maximizing time off, getting 50-70% more out of my off time when don't drink.
Looking back, not sure why I ever started drinking, never thought I was the addictive type, I guess I thought could control it, did at first, but then wanted more, loved the feeling of being detached, and had so much inside that I needed to get out cause I use to be so 'stiff', colorful, always some what playful, but in a stiff way if that makes sense.
Anyways, live and learn, then get sick and die. (just reality stated, not reflective of current mood)
I've had cell phone off all day, just needed this 'time space' to cope with effects of not drinking.
I guess I must not have been as bad a drinker as I thought, cause I feared all those 'withdrawal' effects I read about, or maybe my withdrawal effects will come in a different form, like nightmares, or brain spacing out like earlier, who knows.
The only thing I really fear anymore is the nature of man....later and goodnight
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Post by X factor on Jan 27, 2019 10:57:56 GMT -5
Day 2 1/2 of sobriety test
Begin
OK, I've been alcohol sober since mid day Friday
Quick note updates
1. I sleep better, deeper, when not drunk or don't have alcohol in system
2. My energy level is constant throughout day, no peaks, or lows, just constant
3. Energy level is way more constant, surging, increasing since not always pissing out nutrients, cause when you drink, you urinate out all your bodies nutrients, I guess, I don't know.
4. My energetic creative side is coming out again, hard to explain, at least when drunk I could blame it on the alcohol, but when sober and act 'mild like', goofy and happy all the time, than what do I blame that on?
5. Humans still now, and I'm sure always will, be blotches on my mood, is why still enjoy being alone, haven't turned phone on since Friday night for what can anyone add to my blissful, non alcoholic state of mind right now?
6. You start off the day great, and every encounter you have with man, another, has corrosive effect on mood, a put down here, a less than enthusiastic greeting there, a snide remark to another about you, behind your back and more.
_______________________________________________________
Let me stay on topic
So far being sober is, not bad at all...more updates to follow
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Post by X factor on Jan 27, 2019 15:34:44 GMT -5
Another dangerous phase of going sober is when you've proven to yourself
'OK, I've gone a few days without a drink, so obviously I'm not a addict, so now I think it'll be alright to have a beer or two, ect, cause I want it, and not because I need it'
The above thought is a big trap for many, in that once you've convinced self not addicted (everyone has their own tests I suppose), then it's like 'OK, now I'll go buy some alcohol because I want to and not cause I have to'.
That's a trap, a big fat trap that most fall into.
First question I'd ask self is 'Why do I want it?'.
I mean to want and desire something that is 'bad' for you in and of itself should make one think.
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