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Post by X factor on Jan 27, 2019 21:39:05 GMT -5
Now begins the true test
Now begins the true test, it's one thing to be sober in isolation and relative peace and calm when alone, but it's another thing to go out into the 'jungle', around others, job, work, traffic and more which all = Stress!
And then come home after that where use to guzzling or sipping down alcohol to calm the nerves.
So the true test will be tomorrow, in that just cause one stops drinking, doesn't mean the stress levels that could have drove one to want to drink, have diminished any.
It's why a left phone off all weekend, is cause people bring stress in so many ways, and no one cares about your health, no one.
No one ever asks (at least in my forced circles) 'How's your health?' or 'How are you coping?', nothing, nada.
One's personal hell does not matter to others, even those you think should care.
You can tell them 'Hey, I'm going sober', and their like ye sure, here's your next job assignment.
People are sick, and it surprises me how many lack the capacity to actually be concerned about those around them beyond job duties, or asking for a ride when need one...
Like the bible says, or Jesus was quoted as saying 'Anyone can already like and care for biological family or 'loved ones', but it's those who have the capacity to reach beyond that that indeed are so very rare these days.
I mean to think that tomorrow, have to get up and go work around those whom you matter not to, outside of work, just sickens me, the thought of it just sickens me.
Society, blue collar society, has been so programmed to be so uncaring.
Like programmed robots, no one has the capacity to love and or care anymore outside of expected roles.
And being 'noisy' isn't the same as caring, everyone wants to be noisy, or at least those who pretend to be close to you.
Me, once someone is out of my presence, I could care less what they do, as far as being noisy.
But others like to pry and peak, so they can spread rumors, instead of simply asking 'you' if somethings wrong or if you need help.
Well, people can find their own help here in the Zone which is like silent relatable medicine.
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Post by X factor on Jan 29, 2019 21:12:30 GMT -5
Quick update
It's Tuesday night and still haven't taken a drink, just been to busy to write about it.
Almost felt like it this evening, but then again not really.
It's just with alcohol you give yourself a place to 'hide', but when sober you really don't have a place to instantly hide, other than your own mood or perspective.
Anyways, still dry, more updates to follow as time allows.
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Post by X factor on Jan 31, 2019 4:10:26 GMT -5
I drank every single day, for pretty much a straight year, or more, then suddenly stopped, and I'm a bit amazed that the side effects of stopping suddenly aren't as bad as I thought they'd be.
No withdrawal or nothing, no negative physical side effects or nothing, I'm surprised, very much so.
I just have more energy, and that's about it.
And that's probably because even though I drank daily, when off work, I still kept in shape, and ate very very healthy, which tells me it's not so much what you drink, or how you drink, but rather what your diet is while drinking.
I do believe if I had not exercised, and ate a ton of sugar, greasy foods, a lot of meat, than the effects of alcohol would of been devastating on thy body.
Note:
Good eating, and daily exercise countered much of the negative effects of alcohol, physical effects but not fiscal or emotional effects.
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Post by X factor on Jan 31, 2019 17:51:53 GMT -5
Ready to give alcohol upI'm ready to give alcohol up 1. Tired of only utilizing 30-40% of my 'off time' do to drinking, cause when you drink to get drunk, you only care about what you're doing while peaking, and then peaked, but after that, sleep or bed as sickly feeling begins to set in, and not interested in anything else until feel 'whole' again just so can start process over again. 2. Drinking no longer serves me, in that I don't go out anymore, so whom or what am I getting 'lose' for? Myself? 3. Tired of post drinking feeling of feeling sickly, and unhealthy, that whole hang over feeling, I mean what's the point of that anymore at my age? 4. And just general health, cause sooner or later something is bound to give. 5. Economic savings, I mean even if just buy 4 pack a day, at minimum that's 28 x 4 = $112.00 a month, minimum in savings, but actually more like $150 or more in savings. And could give a few more reasons, but I'm just tired of being a hostage to alcohol. I was about to go buy some beer, and more, than paused on porch, sunny out, nice day, and I was like 'why?', I was like why am I eager to go make self or buy stuff that will simply make me feel sick again? What's the point?, I asked myself, and for whatever reason I finally kind of answered and said 'You know what, you're right, there is no point to this madness'. Will it last?, who knows, but either way we all need this juncture in order to kind of 'wake up'. Not saying being sober all the time is the cure to what ails my or our lives, but it's a start, a productive start. And if sober, don't have to worry about embarrassing self all the time when drunk, while talking to people over the phone and making stupid, outlandish claims about myself or abilities. Just tired of this whole circular process of sober, drunk, sober, drunk BS, it's not benefiting me anymore in any way shape or form. I'm simply destroying self. It's time this stops. We shall see. Today makes 5 days alcohol free, wow, it's been up and down, mostly up. When drinking, wonder how anyone wouldn't, but when stop, wonder why anyone does, like two extremes that dance. Energy level is crazy in the morning, as if on energy drink, but not. Most around you don't know the negative impact drinking has had on 'your' life, cause most functioning alcoholics are good at hiding it, so no one sees the negative impact, thus when you tell them you've stopped drinking it's like no big deal to them cause they've never seen you drunk, they just see you at work, or hear you on the phone. Gonna take a little nap, just got in and a bit wore out. |
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Post by X factor on Feb 1, 2019 7:38:05 GMT -5
Day 6 of sobriety
I haven't gone this long without alcohol in probably 3 years, wow.
I just figured there'd be violent physical withdrawal symptoms from what I've read about others who suddenly stop, well with me there's been none, no side effects at all what so ever, at least not major negative ones.
Funny though, last night I dreamed of 'cheating' by drinking 1 can of beer, in the dream I convinced self that just going out and having a few 4 packs in fridge would ease my tension.
But in dream I drank 1 can or so and felt I let myself down, so I guess now my sobriety is starting to get to my subconscious mind that's wondering why I'm not drinking.
Also energy level surges now in the morning, when at work, so what, all that good energy wasted doing mindless labor crap (what a waste of life energy), but when off work, on free time, able to utilize that energy in ways that benefit my own soul.
I look in the mirror daily also, and after 6 days I still look the same, (smirk out loud).
I don't look younger, nor do I look older, I look exactly the same.
Weight loss, I'm not sure, I should of weighed self on day one of sobriety, so can only go by visual.
Or I'll go see if I can fit into some jeans, I couldn't a few weeks ago.
Sorry, but this is a 'big deal' to me, I mean to engage in something for the previous 6 years, or longer, then to suddenly stop, that's a big deal, maybe not to others, but to me, myself and I, it's a very big deal worth noting.
And maybe leaving these thoughts behind for others to learn from in the future or present.
Most of us are functioning alcoholics thus no one ever knows the severity of our issues on the side, cause we drink, and function...and you can apply this to any kind of addiction be it alcohol or opiods, medications and more, different substances, but kind of the same addictive cycles.
Alcohol and tobacco are kind of mainstream acceptable addictions, they're legal, but over the long run can have very damaging effects on health and finances.
When all you want to do is 'drink', just think about all the opportunities you miss out on, all the job applications to lazy to fill out cause would rather drink than concentrate long enough to fill out forms.
Oh well, today's a new day, lets see what happens.
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Post by X factor on Feb 1, 2019 15:16:17 GMT -5
Day 6 of sobrietyI haven't gone this long without alcohol in probably 3 years, wow. I just figured there'd be violent physical withdrawal symptoms from what I've read about others who suddenly stop, well with me there's been none, no side effects at all what so ever, at least not major negative ones. Funny though, last night I dreamed of 'cheating' by drinking 1 can of beer, in the dream I convinced self that just going out and having a few 4 packs in fridge would ease my tension. But in dream I drank 1 can or so and felt I let myself down, so I guess now my sobriety is starting to get to my subconscious mind that's wondering why I'm not drinking. Also energy level surges now in the morning, when at work, so what, all that good energy wasted doing mindless labor crap (what a waste of life energy), but when off work, on free time, able to utilize that energy in ways that benefit my own soul. I look in the mirror daily also, and after 6 days I still look the same, (smirk out loud). I don't look younger, nor do I look older, I look exactly the same. Weight loss, I'm not sure, I should of weighed self on day one of sobriety, so can only go by visual. Or I'll go see if I can fit into some jeans, I couldn't a few weeks ago. Sorry, but this is a 'big deal' to me, I mean to engage in something for the previous 6 years, or longer, then to suddenly stop, that's a big deal, maybe not to others, but to me, myself and I, it's a very big deal worth noting. And maybe leaving these thoughts behind for others to learn from in the future or present. Most of us are functioning alcoholics thus no one ever knows the severity of our issues on the side, cause we drink, and function...and you can apply this to any kind of addiction be it alcohol or opiods, medications and more, different substances, but kind of the same addictive cycles. Alcohol and tobacco are kind of mainstream acceptable addictions, they're legal, but over the long run can have very damaging effects on health and finances. When all you want to do is 'drink', just think about all the opportunities you miss out on, all the job applications to lazy to fill out cause would rather drink than concentrate long enough to fill out forms. Oh well, today's a new day, lets see what happens. And just like above dream stated, what's going to happen is I'm about to have a beer, oh ye Just cracked it open and about to take a drink. I'm done with this experiment, now experiment will take a different path. Being alone and sober just got to be a bit to much for me, I mean I felt like I was laying in a coffin just waiting to die. So here we go...3, 2, 1, yum... I just had first sip of beer after 6 days and a few hours...to be continued. |
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Post by X factor on Feb 1, 2019 16:25:18 GMT -5
You're bad, why did you 'cave'?, you're bad, you'll forever be owned by your inability to over come the flesh.  |
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Post by X factor on Feb 1, 2019 16:26:50 GMT -5
You're bad, why did you 'cave'?, you're bad, you'll forever be owned by your inability to over come the flesh. I don't know, I just felt so freagin lonely, like it just didn't matter anymore, like being in a stadium all alone, out on the field, with the stands empty, some things are worse than alcohol, I suppose, or at least what I felt at that moment. |
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Post by X factor on Feb 1, 2019 16:30:39 GMT -5
You're bad, why did you 'cave'?, you're bad, you'll forever be owned by your inability to over come the flesh. I don't know, I just felt so freagin lonely, like it just didn't matter anymore, like being in a stadium all alone, out on the field, with the stands empty, some things are worse than alcohol, I suppose, or at least what I felt at that moment. Your mischevious side will come out again, and you'll never leave this asylum, Oh why did you have to end your sobriety? |
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Post by X factor on Feb 1, 2019 18:46:46 GMT -5
I don't know, I just felt so freagin lonely, like it just didn't matter anymore, like being in a stadium all alone, out on the field, with the stands empty, some things are worse than alcohol, I suppose, or at least what I felt at that moment. Your mischevious side will come out again, and you'll never leave this asylum, Oh why did you have to end your sobriety? No it won't, cause now I have another kind of depending on me to be reliable. If drunk all the time, I can't be reliable, and if it makes you feel better, I had 1 1/2 cans of beer and was like 'yuk', that's it, gross, that's all I could handle...1 1/2 cans, if that and I was done. I have to be better now, this war isn't over...I just caved a bit this evening, until got call from dude connected to semi pro wrestlers. |
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Post by X factor on Feb 1, 2019 18:49:55 GMT -5
I think they have cancer, and now placing hope in me, oh, how can I let them down, this is turning into some kind of movie...oh gosh
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Post by X factor on Feb 1, 2019 22:46:21 GMT -5
Last 'beer' or alcohol update for the night.
I had a can and 1/2 it tasted like sower water if anything, and had sower water effect on me, I guess, in that whatever little buzz i did get was followed by 4-5 hours of that after grogy effect, which in the past took2 4 packs and liquor to get, not just one and a half cans and I get to feeling that way.
I have a feeling that the momentum is favoring sobriety, regardless of what occurred today, I see alcohol as being less and less apart of future, if at all.
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Post by X factor on Feb 3, 2019 4:44:25 GMT -5
More observations about alcohol, drinking and it's effects
Its been over 7 days without liquor, beer no, I had a few yesterday, And maybe Friday, like less than 2 cans, so little that I can't even remember.
But for sure no liquor, like Jim Bean Bourbon.
I say that cause of the vast difference in effects, liquor hits you far harder than beer.
Where am I going with this?
I think what I'm trying to say is since I've laid down the liquor bottle (a clique) it seems that 3rd or even 4th person within me has all but evaporated.
In other words that sense of self adoration has gone away or is fading.
And I realize now it was probably the liquor that had that effect.
I mean think about it, a can of beer, what, 8-5% alcohol vs liquors 35% or higher.
So I think it was the liquor, and not the beer, that had biggest negative effect.
(I know many are probably saying 'duh'), but it's important I figure this out, for myself and others down the road.
Liquor vs beer.
I use to never drink liquor, but then wanted quicker effect, so would start drinking liquor and beer together to get to 'that spot' as quick as possible.
I think my drinking experience begin to slowly wane once I added liquor to the mix.
I don't know, I mean what am I doing trying to analyze beer vs liquor?
I realize now liquor or spirits, is something I should of only had rarely, if that, and that not meant for daily consumption, not for mental or physical health.
So am I trying to justify beer drinking by demonizing liquor?....I don't know.
I guess it would be like a tobacco user trying to compare cigarettes vs pipe smoking vs vaping vs chewing tobacco vs cigars.
Also, since laying down the bottle (liquor, but not beer) I may not be much happier, but nor am I depressed.
Drinking liquor, the after effects, always made me or started making me feel very depressed.
But now, I don't feel depressed, but nor do I feel super happy, I just feel normal I guess.
But when haven't experienced normal for years, not sure what 'normal' is anymore as far as how I'm suppose to feel.
More notes and observations ahead.
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Post by X factor on Feb 3, 2019 4:55:47 GMT -5
It's like I'm still landing
It's like I'm still landing, imagine approaching a planet like Jupiter, with many different layers of gas and atmospheres, well your composition is designed for a certain level, your density will settle you where you're suppose to be, but you don't know until you hit that layer or level.
That's how I feel right now as I descend or rise (however you want to see it) to level of normality, but who's normality?
Maybe only lower level creatures know normality, since insects and reptiles and birds ect, or hardwired to act and behave certain ways.
Animals do not think abstractly, so to lower creatures normal is simply how they're programmed to behave and function.
But with humans or higher designated life forms, since we all think abstractly, then what is normal?
The only thing that is really normal is to be born (act of nature), and then after being born, to eat, that's normal, sleep, that's normal, and to have 'sox' to recreate life.
That's the same level animals operate on. Animals really know nothing outside of sox, food and sleep, but man does.
Man has higher ambitions than to just be born, eat, and to have sox.
So outside of being born, eating and having sox, what is normal?
Who decides what normal is?
Does religion decide what normal is?
Then again even with religions there's different normal's.
No wonder I started drinking, I see now it was a way of oppressing my complex mind.
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Post by X factor on Feb 3, 2019 5:03:48 GMT -5
Nothing makes sense in that as long as head of sovereign State, allowed to brutalize as many as deem necisary to get 'your way', Putin of Russia for example.
Yet if do the same, as non head of State 'El Chapo', for example, you're deemed evil and bad by same Government that then does business with Arabia, and other States who's leaders have killed far more than El Chapo, and who push more illicit drugs, arms, chemicals, than El Chapo, yet these heads of State frequent the White House, and El Chapo is on trial.
Nothing really makes sense.
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