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Post by X factor on Apr 5, 2013 10:06:34 GMT -5
When you get off track...it can be very hard to find your way back...
And the older you get, the harder it gets to find your way back...
Back to what you know to be 'normal'...
Which, as you get older, you begin to realize 'normal' was just kind of an illusion created by friends and or family you had while younger...
A 'loving' enviornemtn...in a generic way...
I feel I'm way off track...and have no idea how to find my way back...
Not only that, but I just don't have the optimistic energy too...
Not sure if 'back' is even there anymore...
Like how you go back to visit old school and see it's been bulldozed down...
That's kind of how 'back' is...in that people have changed, moved, matured ect..
So it's like the only place 'back' exists anymore is in your mind...tucked away in a mental vault...
I'm not use to living around unprofessional people...and had no idea this whole 'gutter' class existed...
That's just not something I'll ever get use to...seeing adult males walking around dressed in hood, gutter attire, instead of suits, or sweaters, and the stuff adults would normally wear in the past...
In the hood areas, all the males cling to this gutter style of dress...and I find that very discouraging and depressing...
Everyone acts 'street'...it's like none of them ever 'mature'...
That's what high school is for, to live out adolescent identities...but once your graduate...it's time to grow up...only males in the hood don't seem to know that...and continue walking around with the pimp like street sway...
Which gets you absolutely no where in established society...
I look for inspiration around here and just can't find it...when every other males seems to have a record and no job or career...
And when people don't have jobs or careers, it makes them shady...turns them into 'husslers'...'scammers'....
And that seems to be all you find in certain areas these days...
People who have made bad decisions while younger, and now operate outside the system, or mooch off the system...
And when you live around people like that...it's very hard to find inspiration...
Knowing what I know now...I would have never moved or settled down in this area...I would have avoided the whole SE region...which is ok I suppose if your 'white'...but if your a person of color it can be down right depressing...expecially if you weren't raised with that colonial mindset.
Your lumped in with other 'blcks' that you have nothing at all in common with...
I was raised around professionals, who had goals, dreams and aspirations, who studied, went to school and so forth...
I'm not use to this perminant, generational, street culture or mentality that the people here never seem to mature out of...
As such there's no life...no innovation in the hood...just people living off the system never really aspiring for more...
I just hope I can endure long enough until I can make a healthy change...
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Post by X factor on Apr 5, 2013 13:52:42 GMT -5
I'm just going to stay home today...
I've been under the weather...
But was feeling better, and thinking about going out and buying some used DVD's...but changed my mind...
Just going to stay home...
As long as the internet has been out, and I have used it, it hasn't changed anything in my life...
Has earned me no new friends...(well 1)...
But of all the thousands of posts I've made on various sites...nothing has become of any of them....
I've reaped nothing from it...
I've made no friends or contacts...nothing...
So my life, looking back, was more socially constructive before I got online...cause then if you were lonely, you had no choice but to go out and interact with real people...
Unless your already famous...you'll pretty much remain obscure on the internet...no matter how bright or brilliant...if you're not already a TV personality or celebraty, all your posts will add up to a net sum of zero....
But, that's not why I write...if it was, I would have stopped long ago...
I kept a journal long before this online stuff...so I've always written...for my own benefit...
Only now, myself and others, do it on a format which allows others to read what you'd might normally write in a old style paper journal...
Where no one would ever see it until you died...
I kind of want people to read what I'm going through while I'm alive, not after I'm dead...
So I suppose that's why I write online...and see it as a benefit to self...
This is more of a blog forum...a forum just for myself...
Where I can write whatever I want, and own it, and not worry about it getting deleted by some witch like administrator...
Here I control the content...
Anyways time to lay back for a bit on this over cast day...
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Post by X factor on Apr 7, 2013 8:55:22 GMT -5
Hello...
Wild evening at 'home' last night...
Had way to much to drink...
This after I was suppose to give up drinking...
Cause I can't drink beer anymore...I'm allergic to beer...
If I drink beer, I start sneezing, get congested and get cold like symptoms...like pollen or something...
Sometimes moments can seem boring and deadening when you can't drink and have to face long evenings at home sober...
My health benefits though...as I continue to drop weight...I haven't been this thin in a long while...
You life goes on, even though others drop you from their life...
Other people ignoring you doesn't make you suddenly go away...you contimue to evolve and move forward...
And either prosper or fade...depends on what fate has in store...
Then years later they realize the things they ignored you for were trivial and meaningless, as they age, get older and possibly could use your help, then and only then do they realize the petty things they ignored you for were meaningless...trivial.
And some only bring bad energy to your life anyhow...nothing good ever...
Always suggesting odd, cruel thoughts and ideas...
Stay away from such folks who do that...
There are many sour minds out there that love conjuring up sour stuff about others...
Sour minds produce sour results...
back in a bit...
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Post by X factor on Apr 14, 2013 21:10:40 GMT -5
Hello... It's Sunday night...and I'm watching the 'Amytiville Horror' movie... The original and 1st one from 1979...  www.youtube.com/watch?v=NiWoF8tx6Zw(and theme song to go with it...what a beautiful song) And the scariest version...by far...the most organic... Yes...it's Sunday night...I've accomplished nothing this weekend... And doubt I'll accomplish anything this week... Enviornment is everthing...and even effects your health... Cause a bad environment makes you not want to go out and exercise like you should, if the people 'out there' aren't to your liking... Or scare you, do to rude behavior... This is my fate for now though...nothing I can do about it right now unless I make radical changes that will effect my finances and employment... I almost got pulled away from this life the other night through some kind of OBE/ sleep paralysis ordeal... I've written about it elsewhere...maybe I'll write about on here soon... The bright color of this forum just makes me only want to write about 'bright' things... Anyways...just thought I'd stop in to say hello, basically to myself... I'm not promoting this forum...I just need a place to write until I find a permanent home again... I don't need publicity anymore...I just need peace... |
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Post by X factor on Apr 15, 2013 12:31:03 GMT -5
Have been in a slumber today...and just couldn't muster enough enthusiasm to leave the place...so I stayed home and cleaned instead... I wish I was ignorant and carefree like I use to be... Life seemed much easier when I was that way... When I just thought everyone was good, and had good intentions and motives... When your ignorant and gleeful, nothing seems to touch you emotionally... Being ignorant and gleeful is almost like a weapon in that it protects you, shields you, from so much ugliness in the world.. I already know I'll be moving out of this environment first chance I get... Cause again, environment is key to your over all happiness... It's important to be around others who are 'going places'...who have their 'act together'...and that you're firmiluar with... Culture wise.. Sometimes though, I'm not sure if there is a place I can go anymore, and fit in too...other than the center of the forest or desert...  A place far away from industry, or anything that has a commercial value slapped on it... (would probably have to go back 800 years for that)... Most Africans or people of color, come from wild vast areas anyways...and were only urbanized post slavery...when people sought employment in the industrial cities... So it's actually in every ones nature to want to return to nature... Well, it's been bred out of some I suppose... Go back far enough though, and everyones ancestors come from wooded areas... But because that was the norm back then, they probably couldn't quite appreciate it the way someone stuck in todays industrial grid, could or does... Any how...time to get on with day... |
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Post by X factor on Apr 15, 2013 20:05:12 GMT -5
I'm cool with this new forum...I prefer this to sites like Facebook...you may say 'why?...cause I have complete total control, that's why...and I can write articles...and share them when I'm read...and delete them if I choose...
I write so much...and am so diverse in my interests and moods, that I do need a whole forum to myself...
Other forums, you write stuff...and then after like 15 minutes, you can't go back and edit it or delete it...
And they get 'hits' from your posts...from our brilliant writing...and you get no revenue or credit for it...
Here, I have all the room I want to write whatever I want...heck I could even write a book on here if I so choose....
Now...if I could only turn that grey outer space black...I'd be happy...
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Post by X factor on Apr 17, 2013 15:28:05 GMT -5
Talk radio hosts really annoy me...expecially after events that occurred in Boston...
All they do is blab, and tell millions how to 'make devices' by having 'experts' on to explain how certain devices are made...stupid...thanks Hannity for sharing this information with millions...duh...
Talk show hosts are way to reckless...anything for ratings...
They can suggest the most absurd things about others, and there's no accountability...they don't have to be right or correct...all they gotta do is generate an audience...
As I type this, Hannity has a 'expert' on explaining to everyone how to make one of these devices...
But like I said...they don't care...they just want ratings...and I doubt half of these talk show hosts are even 'conservative'...
They're entertainers...who use the blanket of 'conservatism' for cover...
Or they bring a brand of 'conservatism' that is secular, totally detached from ethics or values...cause I see none in Rush...
In fact...everything about Rush Limbaugh's show is counter to what Jesus taught.
He lies, slanders others, creates hostility and resentment in his listeners...
There's nothing 'Conservative' about how Rush conducts himself on that show...unless 'rude' and 'snared' are now apart of the 'conservative identity...
I just miss good ole fashion news shows, without any ugly opinionated political commentary at all...just news without opinion...
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Post by X factor on Apr 19, 2013 22:03:51 GMT -5
 Sometimes I wonder if people are even born with souls anymore... Some, more so than others... What are humans, if not taught properly? What are youth, without parents to instill right and wrong principles in them? Sometimes it seems that having a conscious is something that has to be forged inside of you while young...if not I'm not sure what emerges... Monsters...creatures...just not sure... Violent Flash Mob occurances around the nationAll I know is something scary, dangerous and dark, is emerging in the hearts and minds of this latter generation...mainly those born in urban areas without Fathers or guidance... Evil is a choice though...just like good is a choice... I think the bible says you either serve him or the devil... And I don't think 'God'...at least the new testament God, would approve of people going around creating chaos, and robbing and beating others just for the fun of it, and not feeling any remorse. Only someone without a soul, could do such a thing...or people born without souls...or even a whole generation or segment of people born without souls... Born without an eternal destiny...to fall under the influence of whatever dark spirit or spirits put in peoples minds... Something odd is just going on in this world...earthquakes every where, explosions, Boston on lock down (or was)... Something is just really off... |
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Post by X factor on Apr 20, 2013 7:50:14 GMT -5
Glenn Beck has egg on his face, concerning Boston Marathon Beck has egg on his faceGlenn Beck, and a few other self serving, ratings driven talk radio hosting business, have egg all over their face in the after math of the Boston Marathon investigation... All Beck and Michael Savage and Rush, Hannity and all the rest...all they did was allow their thick, commercialized bias towards the President, to cloud their intelligence, in regards to hunting down the proper suspects in the Boston Marathon bombing... I'm just thankful these guys are in the studio, getting paid to rile up their listeners, and not actual police investigators or they all would have gone after the wrong person or persons...and the ones who actually did it would still be walking around freely today... That's what happens when you allow your own personal political or racial bias to get in the way of facts. Glenn Beck was totally 'off'...and even helped to humiliate other media sources by convincing them that him and his team of entertainers actually had breaking news on the identity of the true 'bomber' or 'bombers'...duh... I guess him, and other talk radio hosts, operating from behind their desks, thought they were better equipted to solve this crime than the FBI, CIA, Boston investigators, and others who train at this. Well they were wrong...they are not investigators...they are political entertainers, each with a show they must constantly feed with add revenue... During the whole 'man hunt'...all they could do was re-direct their audiences anger or curiosity back towards the Government and or President...it was shameful...utterly shameful. But this really high lighted how 'off' they are on other issues as well... There could not have been a better contrast between serious broadcasting and investigative work and the silly, rude, crude, insulting, brainless accusations of talk radio, than what occurred over the last few days. I'm glad their shows were interrupted by actual reporters reporting on the events during the hours leading up to the capture of the suspect. It was refreshing to just hear normal, non opinionated reporters report...instead of the usual bias hate driven commentary of these hosts... They totally cloud everything with their ugly opinions...they frame things in the ugliest manner...expecially Savage... And then in the end, instead of admitting how wrong they were...they simply cover up their error with more hostility and bias... Beck has egg on his face...and even embarraced other colleagues by getting them to run his story...good grief... Beck has egg on his face..so does Savage, they all do.
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Post by X factor on Apr 21, 2013 22:14:29 GMT -5
Hello... I'm watching the original 'Night of the Living Dead'...the 1969 version that was filmed in black and white...  What a classic... Why are we humans so fascinated with zombies? Anyways...not the best day for me...couldn't get on the net for most of the day... The net allows me to 'escape' from the mundane bland environment I'm normally forced to exist in... Mundane bland environment, mundane bland expectations others have of you... Narrow roles, narrow expectations... All people are cruel...but inner city folk are amongst some of the most cruel and close minded when it comes to diversity... You pretty much either gotta be a thug or deva to fit in...no middle ground...not in the inner city anyways... Without the net, and my creative writing...I would suffocate...or be forced to actually go out and meet folks...but I'd have to go way across town to do that... I so wish I could win the lottery...not cause I love money...but rather cause money, as in days of old, can buy you freedom... And who doesn't want to be free? Free from working, knowing that whatever you earn will never be enough to sustain you in older age...so it's all futile...at least for the non union labor class... Oh well...I've got a few more chores to do...and a few more moments of a quiet weekend to enjoy... |
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Post by X factor on Apr 22, 2013 21:24:17 GMT -5
The internet is basically a big waste of time... You basically have to lie, exaggerate, and be dumb, in order to be popular...and that kind of describes your average celebrity... I write...cause it's therapeutic... That's why I write... But I see dense, nothing to say, folks on twitter with like 100,000 followers...and they never even say anything... I just don't get it... That Russian guy, who said he had no American friends... Well I'm American, and don't have any friends...so he's not alone in that aspect... The world is basically corrupt..everyone has turned their backs on 'God'...and there seems to be many 'gods' that people serve... 'gods' of different interests...different goals, different objectives... The number 1 god just simply seems to be 'self'... People look in the mirror and see the 'god' that they worship...which is self...  That's why no one ever really changes... Cause 'god' to most is simply self...self interest... When people pray...they pray to self, and hear self responding to self... That's why to 'racist'...god is racist...and to 'gays'...god is gay...to 'whites'...god is white...and to blacks...god is black...and to muslims...god is muslim...and so forth... Most people simply worship 'self'...and call that or relate to that as 'god'.... With that being said...sometimes I'm just not sure what we're here for anymore... Cause if 'god' is nothing more than 'self'...than what hope is there... |
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Post by X factor on Apr 22, 2013 21:37:10 GMT -5
I'll tell you what I observe...
I observe that 'god' to most...is simply 'flesh' and 'culture'...
'god' is simply 'DNA' to most...
Again...'self'...or those who reflect self...
To those who see 'self' as 'god'...if you don't reflect them...than you're the devil...
Regardless of your behavior...you're the devil to them...and if you act good or behave in a good way..you're simply a 'good devil' to them...
There is no order in that kind of reasoning...but it seems to be how most reason...
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Post by X factor on Apr 23, 2013 21:00:40 GMT -5
I think my writings rival that of any paid blogger or correspondent out there...
I don't get credit for it though...cause I'm not 'connected'....
The 'connected' class are very perciluar about whom they choose to recognize as being 'gifted'...
If you don't have the right pedigree...you won't get acknowledged...but will mysteriously find your work and sentiment showing up on other shows..by people made of paste...who themselves have never experienced nothing but a text book life...
That's why most reporters ask suck stupid off the wall obvious to most, type of questions...cause they're dense...have never experienced hardship, never been in the military...nothing...
That's why they ask the dumb questions they do on TV...
But when you have the right pedigree...you're allowed to be dumb and dense and still excel...
I have no pedigree..just passion born of real life experiences...
That's why I'm so 'vast'...cause I listen and hear and have been...
I have another place I use to write...and kind of miss it...but like I promised my old readers...energy never goes away...it just finds another place to emerge...
Anyways...have a wonderful night...
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Post by X factor on Apr 24, 2013 17:21:22 GMT -5
It's sad when you come home, have all this time, and don't know what to do with it... Like a car sitting in a field with no gas. The car has potential...but has no fuel in it. Many people are like that...in that we have potential, but no fuel, no inspiration...so we just sit...and watch the grass grow up around us...  And soon forget how to move, and where we were going to begin with... There's nothing worse than watching wasted potential go by the way side. |
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Post by X factor on Apr 25, 2013 22:26:12 GMT -5
It's late...
Soon I will start writing about the dangers of alcohol, and how it will literally tear your body apart cell by cell, molecule by molecule and atom by atom...until you are dead...
I will write about it, the way only I can...
Alcohol, in and of itself is not 'evil'...it's just a substance...remember that.
Anyways...I'll devote a whole section to that here in the future...
I've been smacking down on fruit tonight...can't get enough fruit...and can feel body healing at celluar level...
Anyways...it's time for bed...my mental energy is gone...long day.
I'm still moving into this place...have dozens of more topic threads I want to open...
And this journal thread here, is the only one I don't share through links...
later...
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