You realize how alone you are when you look at your 'contact' section in phone, and no ones there, other than a few businesses, and a few misc numbers of people you use to work around, but not friends.
When I'm home alone, I find the rest of the world just doesn't matter to me, nor I to it. I'm perfectly happy being alone now in my own space, I've adapted to it, I suppose. Going out anywhere just seems foreign to me right now. I've seen all the people I need to see, all the moods, all the ugliness, it's not like if I go out tomorrow I'm going to encounter a alien from another planet, man is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow, there is nothing new, it's all the same.
And besides, those I want to meet and encounter I can't or don't, and those I don't want to meet or encounter seem to be all up on me, in that they're all I see.
So I stay home, inside, where I can control my own environment and reign as I see fit.
I was suppose to go to the medical clinic today, to get enrolled, but didn't.
I probably should have, but didn't.
When alone, I guess you just stop really caring what happens.
And when alone and not fulfilled, it's even more extreme.
I don't go out of my way to be unhealthy, but if go to Doctor and find out I'm sick, then what?
Bills? Medication? Hospital stay?
And how would all that get paid for?
Now one would have bills, know for definite your sick, and be even more broke...what's the point when alone?
How would living expenses get paid?
When alone, either everything has to work, so you can get by, or you just die I guess, or collapse while at work and just deal with it.
But when not alone, you're nudged by others, or the 'other' to do what's best, and you'd be embarrassed not to, but when alone there's no one to feel embarrassed or ashamed for not going to doctor, you just don't go.
And if they call, so what.
Who wants to go into a cold lab and be examined like a piece of meat, by another who'd rather not be there.
Sooner or later you get to a point in your life when you realize that ride, your ride, the ride you've been waiting upon, is never going to show up.
That ride of friendship, prosperity, joy and happiness, but you sit and wait anyways, out of habit I suppose.
And every now and then, while sitting, a friendly or not so friendly stranger may walk by and say hello or even take a seat next to you, for a minute.
Either way, it's fleeting and doesn't last long, and then once again you're waiting alone, waiting for that ride to show up and carry you away to your dreams and ambitions, but it never does, so you continue to sit and wait.
Not much to look forward to this week, if I don't win the lottery, it will just be 5 long days gone by.
Watching 'Interview with a Vampire' of all movies.
The living dead is what vampires are, and is what I feel like at times without any real purpose at the moment.
Just kind of drifting through time aimlessly as time changes around them.
Although had I been 'Louie', the character above, I probably would of had more fun with my role as a vampire.
In the movie they are kind of a wimp, they did not enjoy their vampire status at all and saw it more like a curse.
Where as Tom Cruises character seemed to enjoy every last minute of it.
Anyways it's a long movie, I doubt I'll watch it all.
Nothing else on TV I'm interested in, no real news, just political commentary.
CNN Fox don't cover regular none political news stories anymore, like wild fires, train wrecks, politics of other nations, in depth coverage of civil wars, nothing, all they do is cover the election and give their own personal opinions with stupid meaningless panels.
They know less about reality than most of us out here do, they're simply on TV and we're not so their opinions and thoughts are echoed to millions rather than dozens or hundreds.
Oh well, sun is setting, another moment in time locked into a post.
Tonight, am alone though, in many ways, not just one.
Was laying on couch, TV on, everything seemed like noise, the commercials seemed to 'mock', as I know for me, anyways, my life isn't what is reflected on commercials, and or TV.
Or maybe I'm the one who is different, and just not lucky enough to be mainstream.
Watched a segment of the 'Bill O'Reilly show', and his politics aside, he had a panel of two women to discuss whatever, but what got me is Bill didn't even give his panel a chance to speak, and what got me more is that they put up with that.
He'd ask them a question, and they'd get about 2 words into answering, and Bill would just bulldoze right over them, and again, they weren't bothered by that, I would have been, and would have finished my 'point' or sentence, no matter how long it took.
I notice that about a lot of radio and TV hosts, they love talking right over their callers and or guests, and this is normal?
Not for me, in real life that doesn't occur, at least not for me.
And is what I mean when I say there's such a disconnect between real life and TV.
What occurs on TV, how people relate, interact, is like fiction compared to real life, or at least mine.
But they present themselves as real, is what bugs me.
So off all the TV went tonight, and what just sitting in the dark, pitch black dark, on the couch, when I felt like writing this. I felt I at least wanted to squeeze out some kind of creativeness to remember the night long from now.
I like the dark, I use to be afraid of the dark when younger, but when older realize the dark is your friend, it hides you, light exposes you to those outside, or even inside.
No wonder many animals are nocturnal.
Weird evening, when during the day, I thought I'd have lots to do when I got in, but when got in, just kind of shut down.
I love when it's dark, peaceful and quiet, nothing like it in the world when you contrast it to the day.
I don't even need music playing, nothing, just silence, with fan blowing in background..
Last Edit: Sept 12, 2016 22:08:19 GMT -5 by X factor
I find the subtleties and quietness of the night, to be far more intriguing than anything that occurs during the day.
People were meant to have space, living up on, or around others, is not natural, at least not for me.
In nature, just look at the large swaths of territory animals claim for themselves, like the bear or wolverine, or coyotes.
Apartments, people living all up on one another just isn't natural, maybe in college it seems fun, when everyone seems sexy to you, but when people stop seeming sexy to you, you have no reason to want to be all up on others or them all up on you, if anything it becomes an annoyance.
Tonight, for whatever reason, I cherish my peace, quite and aloneness.