Alone

I wake up alive, but not happy

To wake up happy you must have something you anticipate, or feel that your actions that day will actually improve your lot in life to some degree.

At current, there are no more 'markers' in me life or existence, as such I just wake up alive and not happy.

When home alone



When I'm home alone, I find the rest of the world just doesn't matter to me, nor I to it.
I'm perfectly happy being alone now in my own space, I've adapted to it, I suppose.
Going out anywhere just seems foreign to me right now.
I've seen all the people I need to see, all the moods, all the ugliness, it's not like if I go out tomorrow I'm going to encounter a alien from another planet, man is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow, there is nothing new, it's all the same.

And besides, those I want to meet and encounter I can't or don't, and those I don't want to meet or encounter seem to be all up on me, in that they're all I see.

So I stay home, inside, where I can control my own environment and reign as I see fit.

I was suppose to go to the medical clinic today, to get enrolled, but didn't.



I probably should have, but didn't.

When alone, I guess you just stop really caring what happens.

And when alone and not fulfilled, it's even more extreme.

I don't go out of my way to be unhealthy, but if go to Doctor and find out I'm sick, then what?

Bills? Medication? Hospital stay?

And how would all that get paid for?

Now one would have bills, know for definite your sick, and be even more broke...what's the point when alone?

How would living expenses get paid?

When alone, either everything has to work, so you can get by, or you just die I guess, or collapse while at work and just deal with it.


But when not alone, you're nudged by others, or the 'other' to do what's best, and you'd be embarrassed not to, but when alone there's no one to feel embarrassed or ashamed for not going to doctor, you just don't go.

And if they call, so what.

Who wants to go into a cold lab and be examined like a piece of meat, by another who'd rather not be there.

Don't want tomorrow to arrive



I don't want tomorrow to arrive, I'm fine where I'm at now, this moment.

Man has created hell on earth, Governments, societies, forced labor, forced interaction, forced registration, forced to deal with personalities you otherwise would not, if left alone.

Today on Earth, no place is immune from this, being bothered that is.

Markets are every where, Nations all economically based, therefore people born in them forced to labor, interact, contribute to larger good of the State.

No more roaming tribes or individuals, not allowed now, either forced to be Islamic, or forced to labor meaninglessly for a meager wages in the West.

At times it all smells to me, and wish I were invisible so that could roam wherever I choose without being owned or claimed by either a religion or nation.

The clock is being mean to me right now...



The clock won't let me be, won't allow me to enjoy calm moment. The clock just keeps ticking, trying to usher in tomorrow, usher in bills, deadlines, personalities, grouchy moods, egos, accidents.

Oh well, I can't fight it.

Time just keeps ticking away until your time is up...how cruel...

Alone in the dark



Alone in the dark, is the title of this piece.

Tonight, am alone though, in many ways, not just one.

Was laying on couch, TV on, everything seemed like noise, the commercials seemed to 'mock', as I know for me, anyways, my life isn't what is reflected on commercials, and or TV.

Or maybe I'm the one who is different, and just not lucky enough to be mainstream.

Watched a segment of the 'Bill O'Reilly show', and his politics aside, he had a panel of two women to discuss whatever, but what got me is Bill didn't even give his panel a chance to speak, and what got me more is that they put up with that.

He'd ask them a question, and they'd get about 2 words into answering, and Bill would just bulldoze right over them, and again, they weren't bothered by that, I would have been, and would have finished my 'point' or sentence, no matter how long it took.

I notice that about a lot of radio and TV hosts, they love talking right over their callers and or guests, and this is normal?

Not for me, in real life that doesn't occur, at least not for me.

And is what I mean when I say there's such a disconnect between real life and TV.

What occurs on TV, how people relate, interact, is like fiction compared to real life, or at least mine.

But they present themselves as real, is what bugs me.

So off all the TV went tonight, and what just sitting in the dark, pitch black dark, on the couch, when I felt like writing this.
I felt I at least wanted to squeeze out some kind of creativeness to remember the night long from now.

I like the dark, I use to be afraid of the dark when younger, but when older realize the dark is your friend, it hides you, light exposes you to those outside, or even inside.

No wonder many animals are nocturnal.

Weird evening, when during the day, I thought I'd have lots to do when I got in, but when got in, just kind of shut down.

I love when it's dark, peaceful and quiet, nothing like it in the world when you contrast it to the day.

I don't even need music playing, nothing, just silence, with fan blowing in background..

Alone on a Friday night.

Maybe this is as good as it gets for me.

No drama, just quietness and the dark.

Maybe this is my 'heaven'.