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Post by X factor on Mar 13, 2023 22:49:16 GMT -5
The back drop of this blog forum makes me feel relaxed. I kind of wish I was in that space station just floating around in space.  |
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Post by X factor on Mar 17, 2023 8:24:37 GMT -5
There's such a thin line between what keeps most of us sane, and insane, as far as environments we exist in.
It's like if one little thing is off, it can flip people.
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Post by X factor on May 9, 2023 15:58:26 GMT -5
I feel like my insides are being reconfigured right now, as if I'm changing.
I don't like the feeling though, cause as of late, I've like lost all motivation to do anything.
Its' like a feeling of nothingness on the inside, like today, I'm off, but I don't feel joyful, instead I feel unfulfilled on the inside, yet don't quite know what it is that's suppose to bring me fulfillment.
And no, it's not god or religion, been there done that, maybe it's something else.
Maybe I need to be in a meaningful relationship, but if go that route, how much of myself, my past, will I have to give up and forget about?
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Post by X factor on May 9, 2023 16:00:48 GMT -5
Wow, this post was made 10 years ago, in 2013, didn't even realize this section went back a full decade, wow.
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Post by X factor on Jun 4, 2023 16:51:34 GMT -5
I feel frozen right now.
I'm in a weird state of mine.
I so hate my day to day circumstances, but feel helpless to do anything about it.
I feel like I just need to leave, even if don't have a job waiting.
I feel I just need to up and leave, flea, even if mean living out of a hotel for a month or so.
Like something bad is coming, and the further away from any urban center, the better.
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Post by X factor on Jul 11, 2023 3:53:42 GMT -5
I've got like 6 fans now, including a tower fan.
Went to Home Depot and bought 3 more, the other day, so I'm plenty cool at night, even though it's summer.
I also am using a different browser, which is way more protective of your identity and stops or blocks a lot of 'trackers', ect.
But I wonder what's in it for them?
I'm a tech dummy, but didn't realize how much the type of browser you have, use, can effect many other things.
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Right now it's early morning, still dark out, and I'm awake.
I feel so detached from the rest of the world, at times, most of the time now, like not even part of the same species, type of detachment.
I guess that's what social isolation will do to you after a while.
I never planned or wanted my life to be like this, it ust happened that way.
And people and society aren't very nice when folks don't know you, or if of a certain 'make'.
Apartment life seems strange to me, I mean the idea of cramming totally strangers right next to one another, a wall away, that ust seems odd.
Anyways, about out of food in place, solid food that is, still got plenty of fruit though.
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Post by X factor on Jul 12, 2023 10:23:24 GMT -5
I've spent more time living in this place, than any place while growing up, yet it just never really has ever felt like home.
Maybe cause it lacks the relationships I had when I was younger and growing up in a house.
Without relationships and memories, where you live just always seems like a warehouse.
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Post by X factor on Jul 16, 2023 14:25:59 GMT -5
I'm going through some odd changes right now on the inside.
Not sure what to make of it.
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Post by X factor on Jul 16, 2023 14:32:59 GMT -5
I think we all want to initially feel normal and emotionally balanced, but if not given a steady diet of love and acceptance, then what?
What happens when you begin to starve emotionally, then what?
And then, how do you start to feel towards those who have deliberately starved you out, emotionally, over the years?
Those who have deprived you of love, affection, and attention, like everyone needs, and or that even your pet animals desire.
To me, when people starve you, that means they're trying to _____ you.
How should I feel about such types who have done that to me over the years?
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Post by X factor on Jul 23, 2023 10:40:50 GMT -5
I'm off, yet today totally feels useless to me, or maybe I feel useless today to myself.
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Post by X factor on Jul 23, 2023 23:02:04 GMT -5
This song reminds me of my Mother
My Mother is the only reason why I still am, why I still chose to live, why I still chose to be good.
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Post by X factor on Sept 21, 2023 21:16:01 GMT -5
I feel like I have failed
I come home today really feeling like I have failed at life, that I've failed God, myself, this person, that person, ect...but mainly myself, I have failed myself in so many ways, for whatever reason.
I may have to move soon, and the thought of moving is so disturbing to me, the place where I'm at now has provided me safety for the last decade or so, if, when I move, no telling what the new environment will be like.
But rent keeps going up, and the place I may move to is actually mine, 'Willed to me, and another'...so I'd be moving to a place, a house, that's mine, wouldn't have to pay rent, but it's a place I don't like.
So ye, in one way, I could save a ton of money, but still, personal space is personal space, and if it's not a place I'm comfortable in, I won't have peace of mind.
I don't like living in spaces where relatives used to live and then pass away, that's just creepy to me, at night my imagination might go wild, you hear noises, and think it's your deceased parent ghosting around or something.
Plus, the place, the interior, may need some work, stuff cleared out, all that takes energy and enthusiasm, and I'm just not sure I have it anymore, I'd rather just sell the place, take the cash, and start over somewhere else, but because I co-own the place, not much I can do about it.
Anyways, I have a few more months of peace here, to make up my mind.
Inflation just kills and destroys dreams, I mean if not for inflation and rent continuing to go up, I could stay at current place until I died, but life, or greed, just won't let you do that.
So much floating around my mind now, I don't like stress, the more simple your life the better, the less entangled you are with the government, properties, ect, the better off you are, in my opinion.
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Post by X factor on Sept 28, 2023 23:07:28 GMT -5
Rumble Fish  One of the coolest movies ever, to me, it's so abstract. It's done in black and white, and the way the movie uses shades, and contrasting dark and light, and not to mention Matt Dillan was at his stunning prime, or near it. Amazing how a movie can be so ahead of it's time, and that no other movie like it has really been produced since. Watching it on amazon. The love Matt (not character name) had for his older brother, and their Father was a drunk, talk about dysfunctional, but they all accepted each other, life 'as is'. It's a beautiful movie to me, very poetic movie. I feel like I'm going through that crap now, but in a different way of course, and with maybe the older brother in this movie actually being my past, or what I wish 'was', but isn't, and then in the movie his brother goes away, dies, which maybe represents all my dreams I had for this world...who knows, I just know I like the movie and can relate to it (I'm sure millions of others can as well, in their own ways)(I'm not so conceited as to think the movie only talks to me, lol) Anyways, it's late, but like the characters in this movie, I've been adrift as of late, not really knowing my place in this world anymore.
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Post by X factor on Oct 17, 2023 9:45:34 GMT -5
I've got a lot of growing up to do, over the next few days, weeks and months.
I'll be traveling soon, I've already scheduled the trip without notifying the company I work for (stress)..(I was drunk)...that and other things I need to get in order.
Gotta order tags for vehicles, and other end of year stuff...
I don't know, I've gotta grow up for myself, for sure, and still keep fit through it all.
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Post by X factor on Oct 17, 2023 9:52:30 GMT -5
It's getting cold enough now, where I no longer feel the need to walk around my place naked.
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