Today

Today, huh, what can I say, it's here and so am I.

Made a fool out of myself last night on the streets...told some street dude I wanted them to come to Hollywood with me, gave them my number, and when they didn't call I drove back in my hot rod looking car and acted all tough on the streets.
What a stupid thing for me to do.
Had a few inside of me, so what do you expect.
I expect better from myself, that's what...oh well, another sour memory.
Moments like that could really go south quickly, but it didn't...I wasn't mad, I was just having fun and trying to show off.

Wish there was like a 'air table' or chair, where currents of air kept your butt from touching the seat, like air hocky keeps puc afloat of the table.

What a weird feeling day for me.
Felt more like a dream, or dreamy.

Had a zoom meeting earlier...couldn't see them but they could see me. (for a school)

After that, I just don't know...got call from a man who's suppose to be my film school mentor...so I'll be going into their place tomorrow, as such i didn't drink today....cause when I drink, the next day I just don't feel like doing anything other than recovering.

I think my going in will help them more than it will help me...the course is pretty much over...and all they're going to do is go over stuff with me, that I'm done with....maybe out of guilt, cause they weren't the best mentor to have, practically ignored me the whole time I was there.

Anyways, I dread getting up, out, and driving across town if it's just going to waste my time.
Turns out I'm usually the one giving them emotional therapy, instead of them just staying focused and teaching me stuff I don't already know.

3 hours is the max, after that, the day will be mine...I don't like being up in that stuffy studio.

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After this, will lay down for a bit and just _____ with myself, why not, I have no one else to play with...

It's like my brain has taken the whole day off or something



It's like my brain has just decided to take the whole day off.
I haven't done a thing of significance today, nothing, other than workout a bit at a park.
And I spent first part of day in bed _____ with self...but other than that, nothing.

Maybe did 2 things on the 'to do list'...

I need to prepare a resume, finish reading/editing a script, write a synopsis, yet just not motivated to do any of it...it feels like work to my brain.
Thinking hard is work.

I wish there were like 2 or 3 of me to help me out at times.

It's Saturday



When life just starts coming at you hard from all directions, what do you do?
Hardship doesn't care if you surrender...nor does evil.

Evil never stops until you're dead, evil will never stop trying to drain you of your sanity until you're dead and gone.

So, what do ya do in the meantime, fight?

To fight, you have to have motivation...love, or even maybe a sense of revenge can help one fight back, I suppose.
But if just you, alone and isolated, alienated, then what?

Anyways, it's Saturday, laid in bed most of the morning, in and out of sleep tormenting myself with my 'mind monster'.
I think most monsters live in our minds, so does god, heaven, hell, demons, and just about everything else that constructs our own personal realities.

Anyways, it's Saturday, I have stuff to do.
Things could change drastically for me here soon, hopefully for the better.
I'd like to be settled before the full blunt of winter hits...meaning if I'm going to move, would rather do so soon while the weather is still somewhat moderate in most places.

Monday realities, my own



Monday realities, my own.
It's already 1 pm, wow, just been waddling around in the bed all morning and afternoon.

I fell off track last week...started drinking beer again, but have since stopped...(Hopefully)
I mean heck, I had some beer last night, but have since dumped remaining beer down the drain, it's time for me to get back on track.

Thankfully since I'm already in decent shape, I can recover a lot faster than if I weren't in shape....I even got in a short but decent workout this morning.

Anyways, I've got some work to do on my moral this morning.
I have no one to lift me up other than myself.

Anyways, it's Monday, all the corporate monsters are awake, calculators at work, repo people at work, bill collectors back at it, billing cycles restarted...everything ugly about society is awake and running again today on this Monday.

Surprisingly I feel better today than I probably should.
My mood is stable, physically I feel decent...gaining a few pounds again, but I feel healthy.

So what's my issue?
Motivation and laziness.
Mental laziness is setting in...I don't feel like reading or studying anymore...all I want to do is sit and mentally space off or out.

I should probably get dressed and go to the grocery store...to lazy or unmotivated to do that either.

None the less, that means I need to construct a 'to do list', as a way of nudging me to get some stuff done.

I wish I just lived in some large Mansion, alone, by myself, and didn't have to worry about income.

Having to worry about income is one of the worst things about modern society, it sucks so much life and energy out of you.

I've been out of work for over 6 months now, and loving every minute of it...and the idea of going back to some slavic 9-5 type of a job totally turns me off...did that for years and looking back it added absolutely nothing to my life, joy or happiness, other than generating a income.

Mindless work is so overrated, at least as you get older.
Yeah, I know, people need purpose...but sorry, I don't find my purpose working some meaningless labor job, I just don't.
I've got nothing to prove anymore.
Why can't I win the lottery, even a small one...heck, just 20 gran would buy me some more time.