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Post by X factor on Jan 3, 2021 3:34:41 GMT -5
Sometimes I feel like I'm so 'dead' already that it's hard for me to grasp that I'm still even alive..cry and both laugh and smirk to self.
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Post by X factor on Apr 23, 2021 18:46:38 GMT -5
Every time I wake up before I die, all I can do is apologize
Every time I wake up before I die, all I can do is apologize for not being more while alive.
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Post by X factor on Apr 23, 2021 18:49:56 GMT -5
I sometimes wish scientist could transplant my brain into a 'body' that would be loved more by my immediate surroundings.
My 'brain' does all it can do to keep me, my body healthy, but brain has no idea world it exists in.
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Post by X factor on Apr 25, 2021 14:06:36 GMT -5
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Post by X factor on May 2, 2021 13:29:59 GMT -5
I think as I get older, plan should be to move to state where marawuana is legal and just spend my older sickly years at least pretending, through the help of marawuana, that life is still interesting
As I age, and then eventually get sick, sickly, cause eventually every ones body breaks down, don't care how much medicine one takes, eventually all bodies of flesh break down, whether human, animal, insect, germs, reptile, fish, dog or cat, if alive, and in a body that uses oxygen to live, body will break down later or sooner.
So with that noted, I sometimes think my only plan should be, as I age, is to move to a more Liberal policy state where 'weed' is legal, and just accept eventual death as my fate, but while alive and older, just do whatever I have to do to make life feel interesting again.
And that would be getting high on legal weed, and going into the forest, sitting in a open meadow, and just being left the hell alone by everyone and everything, and just allowed to drift, ponder, and let my mind make happiness out of nature...even 'shroons', I think are now legal in Oregon.
I mean cause if, when, get to that point when old, gonna die anyways, would rather spend last days feeling dillusional and free than cooped up in some hospital for the dead, waiting to die.
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Post by X factor on May 2, 2021 13:34:42 GMT -5
I think as I get older, plan should be to move to state where marawuana is legal and just spend my older sickly years at least pretending, through the help of marawuana, that life is still interesting As I age, and then eventually get sick, sickly, cause eventually every ones body breaks down, don't care how much medicine one takes, eventually all bodies of flesh break down, whether human, animal, insect, germs, reptile, fish, dog or cat, if alive, and in a body that uses oxygen to live, body will break down later or sooner. So with that noted, I sometimes think my only plan should be, as I age, is to move to a more Liberal policy state where 'weed' is legal, and just accept eventual death as my fate, but while alive and older, just do whatever I have to do to make life feel interesting again. And that would be getting high on legal weed, and going into the forest, sitting in a open meadow, and just being left the hell alone by everyone and everything, and just allowed to drift, ponder, and let my mind make happiness out of nature...even 'shroons', I think are now legal in Oregon. I mean cause if, when, get to that point when old, gonna die anyways, would rather spend last days feeling dillusional and free than cooped up in some hospital for the dead, waiting to die. I just wish they'd legalize 'weed' and other soft d---s in warm weather States, for if going to be homeless and stoned, when older, would rather do so in warm state than in Colorado where the winters are very brutal. |
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Post by X factor on May 2, 2021 13:40:25 GMT -5
I also wish stupid College educated goody tushoo's type Liberals had left mental institutions open, alive and well, so that people who need help, could 'check selves into' such places, and be monitored while all of life pressures taken away for a while, and be around others, in a sanitized place, with clean bedding, but no, thanks to snotty nosed upity liberal types, all such Government ran mental institutions deemed 'inhumane', so instead if mentally troubles, forced to roam the streets, the back alleys of life, wet, dirty, lost, and no help.
In my opinion Liberals, at least the college degreed kind, suck, and their policies always make life harder for the average person.
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Post by X factor on May 2, 2021 13:46:17 GMT -5
I also wish stupid College educated goody tushoo's type Liberals had left mental institutions open, alive and well, so that people who need help, could 'check selves into' such places, and be monitored while all of life pressures taken away for a while, and be around others, in a sanitized place, with clean bedding, but no, thanks to snotty nosed upity liberal types, all such Government ran mental institutions deemed 'inhumane', so instead if mentally troubles, forced to roam the streets, the back alleys of life, wet, dirty, lost, and no help. In my opinion Liberals, at least the college degreed kind, suck, and their policies always make life harder for the average person. Ye, cause now if mentally ill, or just even troubled, one is forced to drift through life all alone, or pay ellaborate money for phycologist, so Liberal policies have made life easier for the very rich, who can afford such help, and terrible for the poor, who need such help but can't afford it, unless break the law, then just hurled into prison. Liberal policies suck to me, and to other average people on the street level, as more Cartel drugs flood over the boarder, look how lacks Biden and Harris are about solving any of it....people will start acting more 'nutty', you're going to see more violence, as these various smuggled drugs make their way into the lives of people you know,...yes you, the one reading this...eventually the insane policies of this administration will hit or touch you in one way form or another...just watch. |
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Post by X factor on May 12, 2021 1:11:12 GMT -5
I once hears some Indian (Over seas Indian) Professor on NPR say once
'If born to die, than maybe better to not be born at all'
Or something like that, and that comment has stuck with me all these years.
Were they right?
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Post by X factor on Jun 22, 2021 15:02:19 GMT -5
I think dealing with your own death easier for many, than dealing with the death of a close friend or loved one, cause if, when, they pass, it's as if you're 'gutted' from the inside out.
Especially if a parent or mild.
I mean when the persons or people who brought you into this world are no longer around, and if have no other support system, it can be a very tough time to get through indeed.
But if have friends, family and support, it's a bit easier.
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Post by X factor on Jun 22, 2021 15:04:06 GMT -5
But you can't allow self to just feel bad or gutted for to long, for if start convincing self that that's all that's left of life, is feeling 'gutted' and without purpose, than that's when suicidal thoughts could start creeping in or worse.
It's a very delicate time for those who lost, or could, lose someone soon who meant the world to them.
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Post by X factor on Jun 22, 2021 15:39:39 GMT -5
Sometimes you may even have to 'change who you are' on the inside to deal with certain things, even if it means becoming a bit more or a lot more selfish. As in if caring for someone is causing a lot of internal grief and pain, than stop caring for them, diminish the value of them in your life. I know that sounds mean and cruel, but to dwell on another that you cannot help, all that does is eat you up on the inside, with no solution other than cutting off emotions, that emotional valve until enough time passes. I don't know, there is never any easy solutions when it comes to death and dying, but it's the way of life. It's been occurring forever, even atomic particles come and go, have limited life spans. I guess that's what religion is for is to convince people that they will live on forever in another realm.  |
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Post by X factor on Dec 1, 2021 11:44:26 GMT -5
I fear going to the Doctor cause I figure if already dying, why do I need to know about it?
Why not live like I'm not dying than if dying.
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Then people say 'well a doctor can cure what's killing you?'
Can they?, or can we simply cure ourselves by eating right, exercising, herbs, ect.
Cancer, and a few other hardcore diseased probably being the only acception to that.
But for the most part, if already dying, all the medical industry does is drain you of your money so that you die broke and without dignity.
If I'm dying, going to die, and no ahead of time, leave the funeral arrangements to me, and I'll leave it at that.
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Post by X factor on Jan 25, 2022 7:34:27 GMT -5
There are times, as of late, where I do feel really 'mortal', or short term.
Not saying it's the best feeling to have, but it is a very realistic one.
I'll lay in bed, early morning, and just lay there feeling really mortal, really temporary, is why the older I get, the less I allow others around me to set the tone.
I try to set my own tone and not allow others to bury me before I'm dead.
People have various ways of burying your before you're dead, mainly by ignoring you, or shunning you, or any other manner that diminishes who you are, and your own family can be the worst at this.
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There's a lot of weak people in this world whom I use to think were strong.
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Post by X factor on Jan 28, 2022 21:32:11 GMT -5
I no longer fear dying or death anymore, at least not in the current mood I'm in Maybe it's because I just feel a bit sickly tired and overwhelmed, and realize my efforts will never pay off and that dreams don't always come true, and that life is hard. And I see people who once had dreams who are now homeless, on the streets, disqarded by society, abandoned. So I'm like, 'Ahh, what's the point?' I'm sure it's mood based, why I feel this way right now. But in a way I just don't care anymore. I think I realize by now that I'm just not on gods 'favorite list'. So it's like what's the point?
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