Death and dying

It's why probably will be taking some online classes real soon, cause I need to grow, I need to challenge my mind, I need to feel like there's still a future for me worth living.

This applies even to jobs we have. Some jobs tend to think you're OK with showing up and doing the same thing over and over and over again, with no upward mobility, other than performance bonuses, which is like tossing your dog or pet seal a treat...
Sorry, but dangling near impossible achieve performance bonuses in front of employees doesn't make up for lack of career path.

I'm alive, but feel so dead right now on the inside.
I need to get my act together if life is going to have meaning going forward, and that means making some big decisions.

I can't keep going in this circle to nowhere.

I drank way to much beer yesterday, and it really messed with my mood and outlook today.
I felt doomed, as if god hated me, and kept saying that phrase out loud to myself.

Then seems someone got into my vehicle, cause passenger door was abar, (some letters don't work on this keypad)

Anyways, home now, in a stupor...I guess I'll make a small 'to do list', just to at least get some little productivity out of this night before going to bed and getting up and living another utterly useless day at work.

Tomorrow's my day off, but instead of just laying around and doing whatever, I'm renting a car and driving to another city (I'll tell you when I get back), to go to a viewing, of a deceased relative that I haven't seen in over a decade.
As such, I'm really not all that sad, cause whatever bond we had, has long vanished, so mainly going there, renting vehicle, out of respect to my Mother, who can't attend do to living so far away.

I don't do funerals, and don't like open casket viewing, not sure why others do...I prefer to remember people as they were, not laying in some funeral home casket.

When I pass, I don't want that done to me....
I don't want a funeral, no one would show up, and if I did, I would not want casket at front of church or funeral home, what a morbid sight.

When I think of caskets I think of Vampires and Dracula and cobwebs, I don't want to be remembered like that.
I'll have to for sure put that in my will, but again, when i pass, no one will care anyways, my body will go straight to the city morgue and be disposed of city style, and no one will ever remember me, ever, I'll just be gone, as if never here.
Hell, no one remembers me now, and I'm still alive.

I just wish the next day I didn't have to work, normally on a day like that, the next day, or that night, is for drinking, to relieve the stress, but instead, like a ugly monster in waiting, I have to go to work the next day, that's just gross to me, so totally gross.

For the first time in years, I actually feel scared about my own future.
I'm comfortable only when things are stable, as you age, you need things to be quiet, clean and stable, at least I do.
As a thinker, I can't deal with distractions when home, or not working.
And I can't live in any ole nasty place.
But the future just keeps closing in on me, and I'm not happy about it, not at all.
Not sure what to do about it.

I don't have it in my to go work my butt off at any job, I had years to do that in the past, now I live a much more settled life, but do to high expenses, not sure how much longer that will last.

I have everything the way I want it in this place...it's quiet, tile floors, computer, fans, large screen projectors, it's my own little heaven that the future keeps trying to take from me.

Oh well, I can't solve it now, and the world is a mean place, when out of money/resources, no one gives a squat about you unless young and soxy, then people use you, but at least have a place to stay.
But when older, forget about it, you're just a pain to others, unless lucky enough to have a large extended family.
My own future scares me now, and I don't like feeling this way.

I feel like I'm dead right now, to everything around me.
I just don't feel connected to nothing right now.
I don't like the feeling.

Haven't worked in a while (do to trip), but now that back, I just don't feel right, somethings off, for sure.

I have energy, but there's no joy or passion to go with it.

My mood after and during work today, was the darkest it's been in a long while, for the length of time.

I felt dead, dead to god, dead to the world, but then I realized, in death, there is no struggle, no mental or physical pain, so actually what I was going through was worse than death (in my mind at the time)

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I felt like, starting to feel like 'god' has never been on my side, that it was all a fairytale...and that maybe really the only god I struggle with is the one in my own mind.

And if I'm my own 'god', than I haven't done so well for myself, but it hasn't all been my fault.

I measure how well I should of done in life based on the passion I used to have, not my fault no one ever signed on.
I've been cursed to always be around others who never saw, see, potential in me, yet these same muther whatever's ain't doing no better, coward azz whatevers.

What a waste of a life...just in a crabby mood right now.