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Post by X factor on Dec 10, 2023 10:12:41 GMT -5
I just don't know if I'm strong enough to keep on adapting, growing and changing, just don't know if I have it in my anymore.
You get to a point where you just need things to be quiet and stable, but living around others, man, that's near impossible.
Especially _____ types.
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Post by X factor on May 19, 2024 10:14:19 GMT -5
Why am I typing these thoughts here?
Probably because I just lost a big chunk of my past life to an apartment fire, and well, it feels like I've died.
It happened about a week ago, and I've been cut off from the internet, lost passwords, this and that, and just now set up again.
Nothings the same, nothing is normal anymore to me, and maybe that's what I get for ever thinking life could ever be normal and sane for me.
If I died today, I don't even think I'd care, that's how low I feel right now.
Fighting, being strong, just for the sake of fighting and being strong, gets old after a while.
It's like you're just waiting around for the next big tragedy to occur again.
I just feel like I've long outlived my purpose on this earth, and that going forward it will just be heartache and torture.
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Post by X factor on Jun 25, 2024 18:48:24 GMT -5
Death sleep Death sleep...yep, I was in a sleep or sleep slump, so deep, that feels like I woke up out of a death sleep. Your body puts you to sleep like that when it needs you out of the way so it can heal or fix stuff that isn't right. Also, I bought some protein today, to help restore bodies health after I work out. When I say workout, don't think of a gym with weights, rather I workout by walking, biking, short sprints, stretching, I do what's appropriate for my body and age, I suppose. But my mistake is, even small workouts like that can take a lot out of you, and I've been neglecting my body by at times drinking beer after a workout...that's not good, cause it's that after time workout, up to 24 hours after, that your body is relinquishing itself, and well, if drinking during that time, and urinating out all nutrients, well you get the drift, it's not good, over time. I realize now that not working, I'm drinking more...as in every day...where as when I worked I never drank during working shift days...so if scheduled to work for 3 days, I didn't drink, which gave my body a break. But now that not working, I don't have that same discipline, but I'd better get it back if I want any kind of a meaningful future. I'd better start listening to my body, or else.Anyways, it's summer time...
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Post by X factor on Aug 4, 2024 15:09:58 GMT -5
Sometimes I feel like the devil, the world, and God are all trying to wind me down, and finish me.
I go on, but not sure why.
Just in one of those moods I suppose.
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Post by X factor on Aug 4, 2024 15:10:38 GMT -5
I think when your bodies to tired to care, is usually when 'you' stop caring.
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Post by X factor on Sept 21, 2024 9:01:35 GMT -5
I woke up this morning with a sense of light dread and death within me, not so much physical death but personal death, personal dread, a feeling of doom.
A feeling of grotesqueness, personal failure and more.
Hopefully just a fleeting feeling and moment.
That aside, at least my dreams were pretty decent.
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Post by X factor on Nov 19, 2024 8:53:33 GMT -5
For the first time, as best to my memory, this is the first time I feel that if I were to pass away soon, that there's nothing I'd be missing out on.
At the moment, when I look to my own future, all I see is misery, or me trying to make the best out of a miserable path.
I don't see any glory days ahead or anything, I just see me trying to make the best out of a miserable existence, constant struggle, constant regret, the constant feeling of knowing I could be more had I just been given the chance.
Constantly working for people who snuff you out, snuff out your potential, and minimize your value at work, or anywhere else.
Constantly wanting to be rich, not cause I love money, but so that I can be free and leave society and retreat to a large palace in the wood, and not being able to, and instead having to get up and go to some crummy job where the pay keeps me on the edge of poverty.
Yep, just not sure what the future has for me anymore.
People aren't going to suddenly become more loving and drop their biases.
Oh well, just some thoughts.
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