Sleep

Came home last night, after work, ate, then fell into like a deep (body speaking = 'We need you to sleep, so can get you out of the way, so we can try to heal') type of sleep.

My medical card expired for my job, and so can't go back to work till get it renewed, which means I'll have about 5 days off...good, if I had a lot of money, not so good when falling behind, but maybe it's happening for a reason?

So many illnesses floating around out there and ect.
Either fate is working on our side or against it.

Heck, just watched video of how many Nazis fled to Argentina after WW2, many went on to live better lives than I'm living now, so was fate looking out for Nazis? (or at least some)

The more you learn about the world, and how evil those in power really are, the more you begin to question the whole Western 'good vs evil' biblical narrative.

Heck, even learning how the Roman Catholic church helped shelter and hide many of the Nazi war criminals after the war ended...hmm

My life is so insignificant compared to the life of others...history has zero reasons to remember me.

Can't really sleep right now...I have energy, but feel terrible on the inside.
I think it's do to drinking.

I'm the most in shape drunk you'll ever meet...or so it seems.

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As I lay in bed, or one the air mattress, for the first time, kind of, I just felt 'done', done with it all.
Doesn't even matter to me if there's a heaven or hell, a god or a devil, just all feels so meaningless to me right now, at this moment.

I just sometimes feel, or was feeling 'right now', that my purpose in this world is none...like who am I hobbitding anymore.
Love and affection gives you purpose, when young, lust, soxual lust is what gives you purpose.
But what when you're no longer young and no longer have soxual lust, and lack love...then what?
Where does your purpose come from then?

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Obviously not in the most positive physiological mood right now.

Well, if I can't sleep, maybe I'll just force myself to do stuff, tasks, and see what happens....even though my mood is lousy at the moment.

Odd how when I'm asleep, or dreaming, my mood is always good, or decent.

Can't sleep or fall back to sleep at the moment.
Been just laying in bed for the last 30 minutes or so.
But it's more do to good health and a higher energy level, which is good actually.

You see, I've drastically cut back on drinking as of late, and I've been working out regularly, even twice a day.
Not hit the gym hard type of stuff, but walking, stretching, biking type of stuff.

When I drank, sleeping in late become the norm, but now that 'clean', I see why achievers tend to get up early, cause when healthy you don't need to sleep for half the day and late into the morning. When healthy, you recover a lot quicker.

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But aside from health, I have other things on my mind, like my immediate future, which just seems very uncertain to me right now.
I've been unemployed for about the last 5 months, attending a type of online school, and when this course ends, very soon, just uncertain about whether or not my efforts will pay off cause it's a competitive industry.

And the last thing I want to do is return to the mundane blue collar job I left, which kills my creative spirit.
I'm in shape now, and a lot of it has to do with the fact I don't work that depressing job anymore, and the idea of returning to something I dread, simply for income, just seems nightmarish to me.

But in this income driven world, society, your options are limited.
Not everyone is blessed to have a job or career they love...and working a job you don't like can and does, eventually effect both your physical and mental and even spiritual health.

Working a job where you come home to tired and mentally wore out to pursue you true passions can lead to drinking or even drugs, as a way to cope with your feeling of hopelessness.

So what am I going to do?
I have no idea right now, fate will decide that.
I realize now, have lived long enough to realize and see that fate often overides you own effort.
Who you're around, who you're either cursed or blessed to be around really does matter.

If around envious fkrs who always hold you back and hide you, it's harder to accomplish stuff, if around types who, for whatever reason, like you and have means, than well, it's easier to accomplish stuff.

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Anyways, I'm up now, still dark, and wow, just looked at the time, it's like will in the 4 am hour...wow.

I guess I'll hit the 'to do list', do a few things, and then probably hit the hey again in a hour or two.
And when wake up the second time, will probably go workout, first thing, which will consist of a brisk bike ride/walk/stretch combo.

I'm in to good of shape to sleep in long and late anymore, even if I drank the night before.
So if just lay there I just lay there, feeling like crap, but not being able to just sleep.
That's what I get for being in decent shape.