Void

In a void type of mood

In a void type of mood, condition, where everything inside just seems stationary.

No motivation, no nothing.

And I don't really know why, but kind of do.

I don't feel happy about anything right now, at least not the next 30 days or so.

I feel totally empty on the inside right now, there's no emotional push, like all emotions, enthusiasm has just stalled.

What does that mean?

I can theorize.

1. Occurs when one realizes from here on out just going through the motions, that if not apart of the billionaire or fiscally privileged class by now, it will never ever happen or occur.

For years you believe this lie that if you just work hard enough, are eager enough, work long enough, that one day you'll just wake up rich, super rich, while still young enough to enjoy it, and just be able to live life free of work anymore.

Not happening for most, nothing more than a pipe dream.

So what happens when you get to a point in life when you realize it's all a farse?
That tomorrow, regardless of effort, will be just like today.

So part of stalling out emotionally could just be a sign of reality finally coming home to roost.

Part of what drives most, either when younger or older or ect, is the since of progress, if there's no progress, than enthusiasm wanes, like those dark, cold, grizzly Soviet Union days of old, where communism ruled the day, everyone worked for the State, ate the same, worked the same, got paid the same. Where no one could rise above another.



Back like during the 80's when they had those huge housing complexes to store all 'labor' together, their ghettos rivaled that of Americas.

But think about it, oddly enough both the capital nation and communist nation housed people in similar ways.

And also, when poor, economically stuck in one spot, there is really no difference in what one can do.

In communism they simply take your money ahead of time, where as being poor in a capitalistic nation, what you earn is taken right after you earn it through expenses and all.

So that in the end you're still broke and left with nothing.

So one can still have that gloom 'soviet' effect even while living in a free nation, if not able to prosper after a while.

But being 'poor' in and of itself isn't reason to not be happy, for there are many happy people who are poor, even desolate, but still have 'spirit'.

So there's got to be more to it.

Continued later

Sometimes I feel like my personal history is over...that from here nothing to do but fade.

Earth has seemingly become my hell.

I'm around people I don't want to be around, and even those I thought I did in real life don't reflect those of my past.

Everyone is corrupt, people hurled into positions they have no reason to be occupying.

Either they lack skill, passion know how or combination of, yet end up telling you what to do.

Seems rent is always do, so always forced back into working situation before can figure things out or right course.

Seems I never attract positive light anymore, seems darkness feeds off of light in that no one prospers around me anymore, and those who do don't share how.

Seems all of life, including history, is built on covering up 'what really happened'.

I'm just tired...probably cause I'm alone, which makes it harder to endure cause there's no distraction, so you just think and think and think some more.

I don't enjoy going out anymore, I no longer see myself as cool, and or realized long ago that others certainly do not.

I'm bored with TV, am radio waves are weak now, music just depresses me, just oonjures of memories of the past when I thought by now I'd be something.

I just don't know where to go anymore based on strength to get there.

It's like I can no longer lie to self, and that's why drives most when younger...not deliberately lying to self, but convincing self 'things will get better'.

Or convincing self 'God loves you'...

I don't see nothing bright ahead, just tasks being performed in grim world.

There's no moral consistency, some sinners seem to flourish.

Yet if a saint does one bad thing, seems cursed for rest of life.

Bugs are always biting, microbes always tearing away at you.

My outlook is morbid right now, at this moment.

Unlike others, I have no one to rescue me from anything.

Seems people who fornicate are rewarded with family, those who try to live true, rewarded with nothing.

hobbits don't care if they're born from fornication or not, either way you treat them right they'll love you.

Nothing makes moral sense anymore other than how one feels on the inside about individual things.

I'm physically healthy, but seems my outlook is becoming more grim.

Cut off from all things that use to bring me joy.

Like being punished by some cosmic prankster.

I'm just tired.

Void



Why do males into politics have the most dull hair cuts imaginable?

Why are women allowed to have long elaborate hair cuts, styles, but males in public office, service, all have to have the same Ward Cleaver hair cut?

The Rubio hair cut, I find haircuts like that to be rather creepy actually.

Not really having much of a day

My dreams are thick, rich and full of metaphors, meaning, interaction and more, then I wake up to nothing.

I wake up to decay and lost dreams, and sometimes sadness and disappointment.

Often it's when I'm awake that I feel like I'm in the nightmare.

The people you thought you should look up to or like, don't like you, and turns out were mostly illusions themselves, stuck in their own personal hells too.

Even the 'person' of 'God' starts to seem hallow after a while, if not surrounded by 'Love' yourself.

The concept of 'God' or 'Love' comes from being around others who appreciate you, if no one appreciates you, never promotes you, than the concept of 'God' or even 'Love' tends to get lost.

You daily see things you've known about, written about, suddenly play out in the news, and people stupid enough to act 'shocked'.
Everything and everyone is jaded it seems.

Universal morality cannot and doesn't live within man.

Self serving interests lays within man, and changes from culture to culture, nation to nation, religion to religion.

And whomever or whatever is in power at the time, is what you will know as 'normal'.

The only difference between man and insects is that insects don't try to put morality behind their self serving interests, where as man does.

Ants just invade, take over other ant colony for food, and resources, and don't blame it on the 'Ant God'...

Like I said, not having much of a day so far.

Tired, just tired of feeling like anything will ever change for the better, that life will have a Hollywood theme to it, a fairytale type ending, cause it won't.

I won't suddenly win the lottery, I won't ever meet 'right' person, I won't ever find perfect job, perfect fit.

None of that will ever occur.

just tired of pretending it will.

Sometimes, you know, I just like to go out and interact with real live souls, people.

I probably shouldn't, but sorry, just get the need to at times.