I feel broken right now on this Sunday evening, I just do.
Not that anyone else in real time would notice, but on the inside I really feel broken right now. Wasted another 3 days off accomplishing absolutely nothing.
It's like on the inside all I want anymore is to win the lottery so I can just retreat in a gigantic Mansion or palace and do absolutely nothing that has to do with earning money for the rest of healthy life.
I'm just tired, mentally tired, not really inspired anymore.
Not inspired by anything within my reach.
Just a lonely tired person is how I feel right now, yet have to get up tomorrow, regardless of how unfulfilled I am on the inside, and go to work, go through the motions.
Work, at least provides a temporary diversion from depressed life I suppose.
I told myself in the past that I'd never get trapped like this, and always knew a life where fiscally stuck would be the end of happiness.
Trapped living around people you have zero in common with is almost like being dead.
I don't know how to escape this, just not rich enough to, or strong enough anymore.
I think if just broke away, left everything, and homeless for a month, would get my hunger back, but then would have to face the consequences of my actions.
Just not very happy right now, at least not in this particulary hour, but it's more than a mood. I'm happy when I sleep and dream and lay still at night, then I'm happy, but as soon as I wake up, not so happy during the day, positive YES, happy, not really....there's a difference.
Just not sure who or what I'm hanging on for anymore, my own sanity I suppose, or maybe self respect...I don't know.
You've gotta understand, the 'mind' is my playground.
Minds, pinning people down to where they have to tell the truth about themselves, matters and issues, is my specialty.
But most people you can't hypothetically pin down, cause they hypothetically run, and keep running, hiding and avoiding and distracting, anything but face the truth their frail identity is based on, and most peoples frail identities are based on believable lies about self and the culture they're steeped in.