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Void
May 31, 2020 21:49:59 GMT -5
Post by X factor on May 31, 2020 21:49:59 GMT -5
My problem is is that I'm becoming healthy again, and am fit, and look decent.
You'd think that would be a positive, and would be in a sane world.
But what happens is people expect you to be 'bad' or 'rotten', they build their own identity around what they think or need you to be, but then, say if meet in person, and you're not, then what?
Say if you're actually, if a male, a stud with Hollywood type looks, then what?...how do they react?
I mean if they need you to be 'ugly' and 'bad', as a way of validating their own view of the world, and it ends up you're not, then what?
No one wants to believe they're a liar, at least no one noble does.
What scares others about me is that the more they honestly examine me, the more their own flaws come out.
And is why so few are honest, or chose to be....lies are way more comforting to some....maybe even to many.
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Void
May 31, 2020 22:04:59 GMT -5
Post by X factor on May 31, 2020 22:04:59 GMT -5
And is why I"m kind of in this 'void' right now, cause I'm healing.
And as such, certain things that kept me busy in the past, useless activity, now seems 'mute' to me.
I guess I've hidden myself socially for last few years, or longer, out of fear of being exploited by a truly evil world.
There's a lot of people who could of, and still could, use my support, but there's also a lot of rotten souls out there.
Not sure what direction to go in next, but do know a lot of things seem 'mute' to me right now, as I heal.
But look, when you step 'outside' you're not dealing with 'you', you're dealing with how others perceive you, you're dealing with their biases and prejudices.
So what is reality, 'you', or 'them'?
Is reality what you really are, or is reality how 10 people in course of the day may perceive you and then react to their own perceived reality of 'you'?
Everyone deals with this, I suppose, and not sure if there really is a solution.
People are scared, even the toughest looking fella on the street, on the inside is very scared.
And most behavior, surface behavior, how we treat others, is based on how well 'we' monitor our own fear of the world we live in.
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Void
May 31, 2020 22:45:04 GMT -5
Post by X factor on May 31, 2020 22:45:04 GMT -5
Must teach or condition self to 'focus'
Must teach or condition self to focus on stuff for more than 5 minutes.
After 10 minutes I'm bored, and that's my problem.
Guitar, 5 minutes, OK, can't play, bored, move on.
Piano, OK, I suck, can't play, bored, move on.
And so forth.
I need to make self stick to whatever task or chore or hobby or instrument I'm doing for a minimum of 15 minutes, before moving on.
And or if a task, stay at it until completed.
People who become good at stuff are so because they've spent hours, behind the scenes, studying or practicing, so that when in public it seems like second nature to them.
I need that same discipline
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Void
May 31, 2020 22:50:36 GMT -5
Post by X factor on May 31, 2020 22:50:36 GMT -5
Another problem I have is that I look to far ahead in the future, that can be bad in that if you look to far into the future, what occurs today doesn't really matter.
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Void
Jun 10, 2020 13:02:56 GMT -5
Post by X factor on Jun 10, 2020 13:02:56 GMT -5
I'm in lazy mode, so right now, I don't really mind being in a 'void'.
Sometimes being in a void, and alienated keeps you safe, and gives you longevity.
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Void
Jul 28, 2020 1:08:27 GMT -5
Post by X factor on Jul 28, 2020 1:08:27 GMT -5
Not a good night for me
It's not really bad, it's just not good.
Today lightening struck less than 15 feet from where I stay, it sounded like a bomb, it hit a dead tree, and I'm sure all the ants or termites inside that 6 feet tall rotted tree trunk got fried, fried alive, in an instant, that's the only good thing about that lightening bolt hitting that tree.
And the stump was simmering, smoking, as insides were, I'm sure, afire.
And all the ants, bugs, and whatever else inside that dead tree got instantly fried.
At least now I know what a bomb sounds like.
But why would lightening from the sky decide to strike a dead rotted out tree?
And what if I had been walking past that tree at that moment?
Then I'd be fried.
Maybe I should play the lottery soon, as in tomorrow, the whole odds thing.
If lightening could almost strike me, less than 15 feet away, than maybe I could finally win the lottery.
Don't need much, have learned to live cheap.
100 gran would do me just fine, enough to move away from hell.
Also, can't get into TV movies anymore, at least the new ones.
I can no longer seperate the actors from people I see in real life...they're all the same to me now...jerks.
Like I was saying, not the best of nights for me.
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Void
Jul 30, 2020 3:48:00 GMT -5
Post by X factor on Jul 30, 2020 3:48:00 GMT -5
Void  I feel 'void' right now. There's no 'hip hip hurray' type event going on in life right now. I wish something major and supernatural would occur, cause mans daily routing is getting pretty boring, dull and bland. And people are dangerous. When I observe how the members of the Congressional 'House' act, how embarrassing to think that they're adults making decisions for society. Society is way to big, the meaning of life gets lost in such a large society, at least for some. I feel 'void' right now.
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Void
Aug 11, 2020 16:20:14 GMT -5
Post by X factor on Aug 11, 2020 16:20:14 GMT -5
In a real calm mellow mood I'm in a real calm mellow mood right now, I mean really calm. At this moment I don't feel like anything matters. I don't feel concerned about nothing, that's just how calm it is right now for me. But I know calm is only a 'moment', but wow, this moment is stretching. I have fans on...their blowing, which kind of messages the subconscious mind with soothing hum and breeze.  And it's raining out, with the gentle growl of thunder in the distance. I'm just calm right now, this is what millionaires strive for, and even they often cannot get or arrive at, calmness. But this is where fate has me now, and I can't resist fate, I try, I've tried, I've tried to be the 'action' person, but fate just keeps saying 'no, you are to be calm'. Is it the calm before the storm? I've been through storms before as well, so no what that's like. But right now I'm just calm. Should I feel guilty for being so calm? Others out there struggling, others I always wanted to help in the past, but ignored, and now I'm calm, do to fate, I guess. And healthy to boot, calm and healthy when so many aren't.  The world is just spinning all around me, yet 'my world' at least at this extended moment, is so very calm.
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Void
Aug 29, 2020 19:03:09 GMT -5
Post by X factor on Aug 29, 2020 19:03:09 GMT -5
Void  Void I really feel void right now, trying to make the transition from soul destroying work to 'off time'.. It's like trying to resurrect self from the dead. Usually alcohol helps make that transition easier, but with no alcohol, it takes longer, there is not immediate dive into utopia, just a very slow gradual one, with reality slimed all over you. In the past I'd just go out to a peer or something, enlarge my environment by stepping out. But now, going out after dark can be very risky, all it takes is being in the wrong place at the wrong time. If I were drinking I wouldn't even care, if on drugs, I wouldn't even care, but I don't do drugs, and currently not drinking, so all I have is current mood of body soul and mind....which is 'void'....nothing. Not even writing about it seems to help right now, maybe I just need another nap, another lay down, then maybe life will start to surge back into my being.
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Void
Aug 29, 2020 19:12:25 GMT -5
Post by X factor on Aug 29, 2020 19:12:25 GMT -5
Decontamination  Ye, it's like decontamination period for some, that phase between work, job, and off time. It just takes a few hours for the grease and sludge of work environment to wear off, and to find yourself again. Just depends on your work environment I suppose...if you love your work environment great, if work around young, beautiful spunky people who inspire you, than great, if work at place that allows you to engineer and plan ideas, great, but if work at place where just labor, a mule, than not so great. If work at a place where all the males are 'dead', and have no personality or flair, than not so great. I think I'd rather work around males who were flamboyant cross dressers, or 'flair dressers', than to work around males that all look like they're a half an hour from the grave.
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Void
Nov 5, 2020 4:03:04 GMT -5
Post by X factor on Nov 5, 2020 4:03:04 GMT -5
My mind is totally blank right now  My mind is totally blank right now, there's no voltage, I mean after reading about meatballs and feet, my mind is just blank right now. Maybe that's good, that means there's no stress. Maybe I should just lay down and go to bed.
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Void
Nov 13, 2020 14:02:21 GMT -5
Post by X factor on Nov 13, 2020 14:02:21 GMT -5
Swallowed endlessly  Sometimes I wonder if some peoples lives, like my own, if we're just being endlessly swallowed and digested over and over again. And is that why people like me can never get any traction, I wonder.
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Void
Feb 10, 2021 8:20:40 GMT -5
Post by X factor on Feb 10, 2021 8:20:40 GMT -5
Seems everyone's assigned an 'event' in life, and before that event, not really much, then event happens, the event could last for days, weeks, months, even decades, then once event over in life, fade back into nothingness.
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Void
Mar 15, 2021 21:06:30 GMT -5
Post by X factor on Mar 15, 2021 21:06:30 GMT -5
Right now I am lost and without purpose.
Reality seems like a comic book to me right now.
Nothing I thought I believed in in the past seems real to me right now, like it was all a mirage.
People rushing to get 'shots' cause other geeky humans tell them to, who knows what will become of that a few years from now...and not even a vaccine, it's 'gene therapy', big difference, but average dunce to stupid to do research.
Is this leading to another great Dinosaur type extinction?
Are 'Aliens' behind this vaccine push?
Will it allow for mind control later?
Experts?
Are you hobbitding me, any one can be 'bought' to say anything.
Experts my azz.
But right now, that's least of my issues, my inner mood is just 'void' right now for other reasons.
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Void
Mar 16, 2021 22:54:58 GMT -5
Post by X factor on Mar 16, 2021 22:54:58 GMT -5
The podcast voice record side of my brain has stopped, I mean I just recently ordered around $600.00 dollars worth of voice record equipment, yet now I'm compelled to say absolutely nothing, and content to just write.
That's the thing about 'moods', if not in the mood to do something you just can't do it, unless have to, do to a job or something.
I just don't have anything to say write now and even if did, I don't feel it would matter, people much more influencial than me speak all the time, yet don't really change a thing...so what would I change?...nothing, I'd be doing it for my own entertainment...and I'm fine with that, but right now, nothing, It's like I turn the faucet of voice audio on and nothing.
There's gotta be a reason for that, I mean moods come and go, but there's gotta be some deeper underlying reason for that, and how my spirit to podcast/broadcast, just suddenly died as of about 1 week ago.
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