Void

Void



I can't sleep right now, I feel void on the inside.

When first woke up, I imagined myself in a different body, with a different look, trapped or sealed in that haunted house from the movie 'Bad Ben', all alone, but every night would get seduced by spirits, over and over and over again, seduced by spirits, romanticized by spirits.

But then when I played that scenerio out in my mind for about 30 minutes, I felt 'void' again, and just lay there in bed fearing and knowing that tomorrow will arrive soon, the sun will come up, and I so dread and fear that for tomorrow is like a big mouth to me, arriving just to gobble me up, to propel me ahead towards nothing, other than an eventual end.

I feel void right now on the inside, as I lay here in the dark.

I feel like I should of been hanging out in places like this, if I had had the right type of social circle



I mean I look at self in the mirror, I don't look the best, nor the worst, but am fit and all, and feel like this should of been my alternative Universe where I had normal friends who'd stick by you, you by them, as you all grow together.

But instead I'm in a 'void', that won't really seem to end, a life long void, it feels like at times.

I look at other peoples lives, regardless of their characters, and their lives always seem so full.

They can be evil, good, gay, straight, black, white, Asian, Hispanic, and other, Christian, Atheist, Muslim, Chinese, Japanese, Native American, and so forth, and everyone just seems to have such a full life, things just seem to fall into place for others, but not really ever for me.

My life is really pretty empty, but I make it seem full with my imagination and all, it's what your body does to survive I guess, in that nature always seeks a balance.

If don't have balance in real physical life, than your mind just kind of fabricates a invented balance, I suppose.

Is maybe also why my dreams are so vivid at times, my brains giving me that social interaction I so crave, yet lack, in the real world.

I just got home about a hour ago or so, thought I had to work tomorrow, I don't, and am just sitting here, it's like I should be thrilled to have all this time off, but right now, as I sit here, I just feel 'void'.

Today it's like I didn't even recognize who I was.
I mean I worked, but my mind and mood was so disingaged from the job, I just felt nothing...like my body was there, but my mind and soul were not.

Maybe cause had been drinking the days before, and maybe just booze just strips you of your mind and energy, and or even happiness.

Plus I had some other things on my mind, and body was acking...I just felt like I was in 'hell' basically, my own personal hell.

Just got back from the store, and from walking around the park a few times (4 times), roughly a mile, I needed the exercise; but now that back, my mind is blank and I feel void on the inside.

Earlier I felt 'OK', but now I just feel void, flat, no internal direction, and I don't feel tired, just void.
So not sure how to interprit that.

I'm not drinking or anything, that's probably why my mood is so stable, but I still feel void, not happy or sad, just void.

This is normally when I'd might drink, just to feel something, but not this time, this time if I feel void, than feeling void it shall be until something triggers a mood change.

I can't even remember what year it is?

I can't remember if it's 2023 or 2024

Lately I just feel directionally lost.
Without a real cause or purpose.

I thought I met someone the other week, but it's like I don't even have the umph or enthusiasm to put energy into trying to court them or develop the relationship, I'm just so used to being alone, and living a simple life, I suppose.

I don't know....I just feel void and lost on the inside right now.

Oddly enough, the only time I feel directional or have purpose is when I'm drinking or drunk, of all things...not good.